Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe

OK. Nobody in their right mind could have expected much from this movie. But even though I knew Jesse Ventura was the headliner and that the budget was low, I didn't expect this film to be as bad as it was. The most glaring problem, surprisingly, isn't the acting. It's the sound. Ventura enunciates so poorly that it is easy to miss half of his lines (not that it matters in terms of moving the "plot" forward), and the sound itself is reminiscent of 16mm home movies. Expanding on the awfulness of the recording quality is one of the worst background soundtracks I have ever been forced to endure. Improvisational jazz, a U2-clone new wave band, and what sounds like a 12 year old with a Casio keyboard are randomly applied to the scenes in a manner reminiscent of the classically awful soundtrack of Manos: Hands of Fate. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060666/usercomments?start=10

Ventura and his arch-enemy (Sven Thorsen playing a cross between Grizzly Adams and Arnold Schwarzeneggar) don't bother with facial expressions, changes in pitch or intonation, This is probably a good thing, because the rest of the cast is actually passable. James Belushi's cameo is the highlight of the film. His scene is really quite funny, and placed well in the film, since it is likely to bring some viewers back from the brink of suicide. Damian Lee has a remarkable repertoire of poorly made extremely low budget films, and Abraxas is, amazingly, one of his better efforts.

The "plot" consists of two super-beings, one a rogue and the other a kind of intergalactic super-cop, who have arrived on earth. The rogue immaculately conceives with a human in order to spawn "the com leader" (At least I think that's what they call it - the sound is so bad that even after hearing this about 50 times in various accents, I still don't know what was being said). The com leader is a little boy who has the ability, when upset, to light fires and "spontaneously combust". Remarkably, the writers do not seem to have been aware that this phrase connotes self-immolation, not destructive potential. Abraxas' job is to stop the rogue, and to kill the 'com leader'. The Com Leader's mother is played by Marjorie Bransfield (the class of the acting talent here), and she appeals to Abraxas' super-humanity in an effort to save her son.

Predictable is too subtle. This film is frankly obvious from beginning to end. I can't recommend it to any but the most disciplined bad movie watcher.

Pitifully bad direction and a story that borrows liberally from "The Terminator" and "Firestarter", producing a hybrid that is strictly second-rate. Ventura and Throsen do make a fun pairing, though, but there are too many anticlimactic fight scenes between them; Ventura is a galaxy cop and Thrsen is his renegade ex-partner out to figure out the secret to "anti-life", whatever that is.

A forgettable film that poses as science fiction but is really about big sweaty guys fighting in poorly staged battle royales (in Sam Peckinpah-style slow motion, no less). To be avoided by even the B-movie fan in search of derisive laughter.

Anything starring ex-wrestler / former Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura gotta be worth your weight in gold. After appearing as support in such films 'Predator', 'The Running Man and 'Ricochet', his first leading role happens to be in something rather lesser; 'Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe'. It's a low-rent, corny b-grade sci-fi chase get-up in the form of those efforts done in the late 80s / early 90s ('The Hidden', 'The Peacekeeper' and 'Dark Angel') with certain elements of 'The Terminator' (1984) obviously featuring.

Abraxas, an alien officer comes to earth to track down a renegade who plans to impregnate a woman with a child, which would be an actual ticking time bomb waiting to explode if caught in the wrong hands. He captures the renegade, but is too late to stop the pregnancy. Instead of destroying the threat, he spares the mother and baby's life. Times passes and the renegade escapes and heads back to earth to find the child, but Abraxas is soon on his trail by trying to get to the child first.

It's best that you just go with the flow. Don't look too hard into it, as it won't be impossible to get some sort enjoyment out of it with its unintentional mocking and bizarre nature (like the birth scene). Ventura rocks, but something about his burly physic not matching up to his well-mannered delivery of the material raises some chuckles with his almost-like second-rate Terminator impression. At times the chewy dialogues (honestly it was Shakespeare stuff) seemed too much of a mouth-fall for the two outer-space guests. A robotic Sven-Ole Thorsen forcefully played the evil foe, but Ventura has an sincerely likable air to him that makes him rather appealing in the role. Marjorie Bransfield is decent in her part. Also appearing in very minor support is James Belushi (who has a ridiculous conversation with Bransfield's character) and the dependable Michael Copeman.

Damien Lee (b-grade actor/writer/director) manages to make the production look better technically than its budget would allow. Sure the minimal special effects and (out of place slow-motion) action set-pieces are low-scale, but modestly crafted. It's well-photographed and the soundtrack is a flavoured sample of swiftly soothing jazz (odd I know) and electrifying rock. The flabby script is constantly stiff drivel and the screenplay while focused is still quite pedestrian (with a meandering midsection), but whenever Ventura's narrative voice-over pops up it amuses. The supposed humour on the other hand, (which the script tries for in parts) is dumb and falls flat, because they're not the moments you'll laugh at. Talk about a dud of an ending.

Undistinguishable, but better than expected camp that has some heart.

There's a hilarious scene in this film where a topless Jesse Ventura invites a young boy to join him on his bed for a story about two men who were once partners; it's just one of many unintentionally funny scenes in this utterly dreadful (but still moderately entertaining) sci-fi adventure in which Mr. Ventura plays Abraxas, an 11,862 year-old intergalactic policeman trying to prevent renegade cop Secundus (Sven-Ole Thorsen, channelling Arnold Schwarzeneggar for his performance) from finding the 'Comater', (the aforementioned young boy), who might possibly have the 'Anti-life equation'— the secret to eternal life—locked in his mind.

A prime example of totally nonsensical 90s straight-to-video sci-fi, Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe repeatedly boggles the mind with its pitiful direction, dire performances, shockingly nasty sax/widdly guitar soundtrack, and nonsensical script which delivers more unfathomable sci-fi claptrap than the current season of Dr. Who (which is saying something). However, as awful as some of the action gets (in one ridiculous scene, a small-town cop under fire produces an Uzi from nowhere!), nothing is quite as bad as Ventura's hair (or what's left of it): partially balding with a rat's tail, Abraxas should have spent less time hunting for Secunda and put a bit more effort into trying to find a decent stylist.

This film is so awful - anyone with a good sense of humor MUST see it. I laughed more in this movie than any intentional comedy I've seen in years. Atrocious dialogue. Strange, creepy scenarios featuring Jesse Ventura and a mute little boy that were supposed to be emotional and touching but seemed to accidentally imply some kind of molestation. Random lines about the "comater" and the "anti-life equation," which are never explained. Attempted humor that is so not funny it's hilarious. Extremely painful soundtrack. A desperate Jim Belushi cameo with a progression of dialogue that ends up making no sense.

Everyone must see this movie. Show your friends. Besides Joseph Merhi's "Mayhem," this is the funniest terrible movie I've ever seen.