- [at the end of the episode where Doug plays a game of "Bag the Nematoad", Porkchop runs around the room after the windup nematoad with a mallet and breaks it to smithereens]
- Doug: Porkchop!Hahahaha!You're supposed to bag the nematoad,not cream it!
- Doug: [Doug ordering from the Honker Burger for the first time] Hi, I'd like three hamburgers, one no pickles, one no onions, one fish sandwich, four fries, and four grape sodas.
- Honker Burger Cashier: [pause] I can't understand a word you say.
- Doug: Huh?
- [Doug tries again to no avail]
- Skeeter: Hey, man, let me take care of it. The new kid wants three moo cows, one no cucs, one no sneakers, one wet one, four cubers, and four from the vine. Do you want anything else?
- Doug: [dumbstruck] How do you order a salad from the salad bar?
- Skeeter: [Skeeter turns to the cashier] One salad from the salad bar!
- Doug: [voice-over] She never said anything about the pimple. Matter of fact, no one did. I guess it just goes to show you: sometimes things don't turn out as bad as you think they will. But sometimes they turn out a lot worse. But, then again, sometimes they turn out sorta OK, but kinda bad. Well, anyways, the point is, it's not what's on your nose that counts... it's what's inside. N-no, wait. I didn't mean that.
- [Roger and his gang are preparing for a new student]
- Roger Klotz: Extra-large spitwads?
- Willie White: Check.
- Roger Klotz: Burping lunch tray?
- Boomer Bledsoe: Uh, check.
- Roger Klotz: Disentegrated homework?
- Willie White: [laughs] Check.
- [Willie crumples up the paper, which turns to dust]
- Willie White: Truth or dare, Larry?
- Larry the A.V. Nerd: Truth.
- Willie White: OK. Have you ever watched a filmstrip at school without permission?
- Larry the A.V. Nerd: Well, there was this one time...
- Roger Klotz: Hold it! You can do better than that, Willie.
- [whisers in Willie's ear]
- Willie White: OK. Who do you have a crush on?
- Larry the A.V. Nerd: Uh, well, I guess I like... Beebe.
- Beebe Bluff: AAAH!
- [Larry faints]
- Roger Klotz: [laughs] Hey, he's out cold. Give me that punch.
- [Roger pours punch on Larry]
- Doug: [Doug is mad at Porkchop] Quit clowning around, Porkchop! This is serious. You go in your Igloo and think about what you did.
- Doug: [Entering into Roger's trailer home] Boy it's dark in here Roger.
- Roger Klotz: Scared of the dark Funnie? Here let me turn on the light
- Bud Dink: Dear remember the first time I asked you to dance?
- Mrs. Dink: Yes dear.
- Bud Dink: And do you remember what you said?
- Mrs. Dink: Yes, go away and leave me alone.
- Bud Dink: Oh you do remember, but still you eventually said yes, and I swept you off your feet.
- Mrs. Dink: And into the refreshment table dear.
- Bud Dink: Still wasn't that hospital state room nice?
- Bud Dink: I'm Dink, Bud Dink. You can call me Mister Dink! And this it my wife, Tippy. Most people call her Mrs. Dink, but I usually call her on a telephone!
- [laughs]
- Assistant Principal Lamarr Bone: Young man, I want you in my office P.D.Q... whatever that stands for.