Embrace of the Vampire

Let's face it, this is one of the most famous B-movies ever because of a few nude scenes, not because of a terrific plot. Yes, Alyssa Milano looks great, but that doesn't mean that this was a good movie. Really, the film is watchable at best, and the writers clearly were more concerned with getting Alyssa naked than making an interesting story about vampires. I can't call it a disappointment, since I got what I expected, but it's nothing but a forgettable film that just happens to have some legendary soft-porn scenes.

...I found this quite dull. First, there's barely a story - much of the movie is devoted to sex scenes that stop the story completely, and have no real significance in altering the "evolving" plot.

So if there's a lot of sex, there must be some merit, right? Actually, I found the sex and nude scenes flatly directed - despite the flesh and activity shown, surprisingly a lot of these scenes have nothing erotic to them.

We don't learn a lot about the characters. For instance, why does the vampire character only have a certain time to live? How did he get to where he is in the movie? How did he find the heroine? And so on. None of this is explained. And speaking of the characters, none aroused any sympathy - in fact, all of them seemed annoying.

And though the movie is supposed to be about vampires, there's hardly any vampire action!

Yes, You-Know-Who gets naked enough, but that's not enough to save this movie, or even make it worth fast-forwarding.

Embrace of The Vampire stars Allysa Milano, who grew from a cute little girl on "Who's The Boss?" into a stunning young woman with apparently surgically enhanced boobs. She is sexy and always fun to watch whether she's in something good (Charmed) or not so good (Hugo Pool). This movie falls somewhere in the middle. It's not great, but still entertaining.

Martin Kemp, former pop star, has built a respectable acting career with his role in The Krays and several British TV shows. He plays a cursed vampire who must seduce an 18 year-old virgin or he will die. Milano is the virgin, whose boyfriend is pressuring for sex. Charlotte Lewis and Jennifer Tilly, the most talented performers in this film, are the ones with the smallest roles.

This is one of the better bad movies I've seen. If you've ever wanted to see Allysa's boobs and butt, you will love this movie. She would be worth watching even if she'd kept her clothes on.

I place this film along side "Showgirls" as a truly indispensable guilty pleasure, this film is an absolute riot, you just can't keep a straight face. If you're looking for a plot, good acting, thrilling action sequences, characters that you can care about, a good script, or a memorable movie experience, then you're looking at the wrong movie. However, if you're looking for a soft-core porn movie starring Alyssa Milano's bare breasts, you're looking at the right movie.

Alyssa Milano gets naked. You see her nipples with amazing frequency. She lets guys touch her in dream sequences. She lets a female photographer touch her, remove most of her clothing, and then kiss her. But beware, Lesbian Sex Scene seekers - Alyssa does not go further than kissing. Yes, that's right - she loses her nerve and runs out of the room. Taking the time to get dressed again, unfortunately. So, if you're a fan of Alyssa Milano's breasts, then by all means rent this movie!

Overall rating: 6 out of 10.

This movie is pretty lame, honestly. If you're a fan of Alyssa Milano, the rather constant nudity will be a big plus, but there's nothing else to recommend it. It's not creepy. It's not tense. The plot is confused and wandering. There's no air of suspense. The writing is awful.

Vamp movies for some reason seem to have erotic tinges. That's fine. But it can't be the whole purpose of the movie. Of course, if all you want to do is ogle Alyssa, that's fine. Then it's a great movie. But for no other purpose.