- Trish: So I don't get it, who made those teepees and painted that weird bus?
- Fein: Back in the 60's, some hippies came here and turned the place into a commune. You know, sex, and drugs, and debauchery.
- Dennis Van Welker: Knew I'd been here before.
- Gaby: You mean you did that stuff here?
- Dennis Van Welker: No... not *here*.
- [Takes a step to the right and nods]
- "Mud": Who's this?
- Dennis Van Welker: Winston Churchill. Jimi Hendrix of the spoken word.
- "Mud": Who's Jimi Hendrix?
- Dennis Van Welker: Michael Jordan of the electric guitar.
- "Mud": You sure you don't want to come in? We're all gonna watch Beavis and Butthead.
- Dennis Van Welker: You know, back in the '60s when we said we wanted to change society, maybe we should've been more specific.
- Gaby: Okay troops, line up.
- [begins handing out omelets]
- Gaby: Ashley, mushroom. Amber, onion. Lenny, plain.
- Lenny: Cheese.
- Gaby: You said plain.
- Lenny: Cheese.
- Gaby: Plain.
- Lenny: Cheese.
- Gaby: Plain.
- Lenny: Cheese.
- Gaby: Plain.
- Lenny: Cheese.
- Gaby: Plain.
- Lenny: Cheese.
- Gaby: Cheese.
- Lenny: Plain.
- Gaby: Okay fine, you win. Plain.
- [Lenny walks away looking confused]
- Gaby: Who says you can't learn anything from cartoons?
- Dennis Van Welker: Don't forget your pills. 4 every hour.
- "Mud": Uh Dennis? that's 1 every 4 hours.
- Dennis Van Welker: No way, let me see that.
- [reads bottle]
- Dennis Van Welker: Oh... not the first time THAT mistake's gotten me in trouble.
- Grocery Checker: Can I see your ID? You gotta be 19 to buy this stuff.
- Zach: No problem.
- Grocery Checker: You were born in 1963?
- Zach: Yeah.
- Grocery Checker: And that would make you?
- Zach: 21.
- Grocery Checker: Wrong. It's 1994. That would make you 31.
- Trish: Wrong! If he was born in 1963, and he's 21, then it's 1984! Uh!
- Dennis Van Welker: [some advice to Mud] Here's what you do: get lost! Disappear into the woods for five or six hours. When you show up they'll be so glad you haven't been eaten by bears, they'll forget the other stuff!
- Gaby: Guys can be geeks, but it's different for girls. I'm gonna wind up wearing a hairnet and serving Jell-o in the cafeteria!
- "Mud": That won't happen, because a lot of girls start out... lumpy. But you'll lose a few pounds, and then you'll start to grow... chests, and then you'll be going out with guys who hang me up by my underwear.
- Gaby: [dryly] Oh yeah, I can hardly wait.
- [the twins are arguing over what city to "bomb"]
- Ashley, Twin: Minneapolis!
- Amber, Twin: Milwaukee!
- Ashley, Twin: Minneapolis!
- Amber, Twin: Milwaukee!
- Ashley, Twin: But Grandma lives in Milwaukee.
- Ashley, Twin, Amber, Twin: [beat] Milwaukee!
- [they hit a key; Milwaukee explodes]
- Dennis Van Welker: Do you know what the first rule of the theater is, Mud?
- "Mud": No...
- Dennis Van Welker: [shouts] Talk loud enough for people to hear you!
- "Mud": OK... so...
- "Mud": [shouts] Are you gonna help me?
- Dennis Van Welker: Much better... No.
- "Mud": How could you invite her over?! She's going to find out!
- Dennis Van Welker: Mud, in a couple of years, two things will happen. One, you'll grow a ridiculous mustache that looks fruit mold on your upper lip. Two, you'll suddenly understand why men invite charming, attractive women to dinner.
- Dennis Van Welker: [quietly] Do you know what the first law of the theater is, Mud?
- Morris 'Mud' Himmel: What?
- Dennis Van Welker: TALK LOUD ENOUGH FOR PEOPLE TO HEAR YOU!
- Morris 'Mud' Himmel: Oh, okay, so uh... ARE YA GONNA HELP ME?
- Dennis Van Welker: Much better... no!
- Dennis Van Welker: [explaining Mud's firework burn] The stove's really ancient.
- Dr. Celeste Dunbar: Maybe you should consider getting a microwave.
- Dennis Van Welker: Oh I couldn't do that, the cat's got a pacemaker.
- Zach: We're not 'delinquent friends'.
- Trish: Oh really? Then how come you go to military camps every summer, because you like the haircuts?
- Zach: You know my Dad. 'Military camp builds character'
- Gaby: [about Camp Slenderella] 'It's for your own good, Gabs'.
- Trish: [about Broadway Camp] 'But Trish, all the OTHER kids are going!'
- "Mud": Hey, how about this one? 'It'll be fun'.
- Trish: Wig-n-Wam? What're we doing at a car wash?
- Gaby: This will never work.
- Dennis Van Welker: Haven't you ever heard of a clean getaway?
- Gaby: Look, whatever stupid diet you use, they won't work.
- Gwen Nowicki: Shh.
- Dennis Van Welker: She's right, diets don't work. Chocolate cake *works*!
- Gaby: [eating diet chocolate cake] This is delicious.
- Gwen Nowicki: [with a mouthful of cake and a disgusted look on her face] It's very unusual, excuse me.
- [leaves the room]
- Gaby: My God, what did you do?
- Dennis Van Welker: Yours is Betty Crocker, hers is raw liver paste.
- Gaby: So if it tastes like poison, it *must* be diet food.
- Dennis Van Welker: my mama dident raise no fools expect my brother todd. burned hair out of his nose with fireplace matches.
- Trish: So why are you wasting all your time fixing up an old car when you're too young to drive?
- Zach: In Tijuana you can drive at 14.
- Trish: Yeah, like they're going to let you cut class to go take driver's ed in Mexico?
- Zach: Who says I'm going back?
- Trish: You mean you're dropping out?
- Zach: Maybe... would you miss me?
- Trish: ...No.
- Zach: No?
- Trish: ...Maybe.
- Zach: Maybe?
- [smiles at her]
- Trish: No.
- Donald Himmel: [reading Mud's letter home] It's the 4th of July, but don't worry, Mom, we won't be playing with Roman candles or anything like that.
- "Mud": We'll probably just sing some patriotic songs and watch a film strip about the Declaration of Independence.
- [shows the kids running around camp with smoke flares and Roman candles in hand]
- Dennis Van Welker: I've been planning this camp idea for 5 or 6 years get them away from there parents get them junk food it was perfect