Frosty Returns

A lot of people say this is complete crap. I don't think it is but the first Frosty the Snowman is way better. This story isn't as good and it wasn't very memorable.

I usually don't comment on material like this, but come ON. This has to be the worst holiday special ever, and I've seen "A Louie Anderson Christmas" which at least had a couple of subtle laughs in it. This one has nothing to offer except a twisted study of, yes, Liberal Hollywood pet issues on display masquerading as entertainment. And no, I don't listen to Rush Limbaugh, reached these conclusions on my own, and am appalled by how utterly vapid this is as a family entertainment. Pardon me if I take it seriously, but kids aren't stupid and deserve better than this.

First off, Christmas is gone, which is odd considering that Frosty is supposed to be a children's Christmas character. They even took his pipe away since we all know that smoking snowmen will be a bad influence on kids. Instead of a holiday, the focus of the retards in this special's town is a non-denominational "Winter Carnival" that is featured so prominently in the dialog that you get the feeling at the screenplay stage somebody literally crossed out the word "Christmas" whenever it was used and wrote "Winter Carnival" over it instead in an effort to make the cartoon more audience-inclusive for those who don't celebrate Christmas. Gee. Also, the whole "miracle" of Frosty's creation is utterly ignored (which makes sense, since we're working any kind of spiritual angle out of this to make way for more consumerism), making the choice of Frosty as the focal character arbitrary & meaningless. Why didn't they just create their own non-denominational Winter Carnival character? The answer is to cash in on the public's fondness for the popular Rankin/Bass cartoons that came before. It's just crass commercialism.

Next, the bad guy in the plot is a mean wicked Capitalist who drives around in a stretch limousine polluting the environment with aerosol spray can chemicals that eliminate snow, with his flunky brainwashed nature backstabbing rabbit doing the dirty work. It's not magic spray or anything either, just chemistry, and the mean rich Capitalist threatens to disrupt the non-denominational Winter Carnival by making the snow disappear without even asking for anyone's permission first. He just goes ahead and does it to impose his own will upon nature, just like certain pinheads would have you believe that the world's industry does in a deliberate effort to ruin the planet. Even more telling is that the meanie Capitalist isn't even allowed to learn or grow or be changed by the events, he's simply a two dimensional bastard for everyone to hate and go right on hating even after the show is over.

Which brings us to the issue of environmentalism, clumsily imposed on the story in the cartoon's big moment of revelation where the mean Capitalist is exposed as the threat to everyone's communal happiness as he is lectured to by an 8 year old girl about how snow is as important as sunlight and rain and, yes, clean air for everyone to breathe. This isn't holiday entertainment, it's a subtle form of indoctrination aimed at school kids. And I'd like to invite whomever came up with the idea about grumpy fun-wrecking adults not enjoying shoveling to come to Syracuse and deal with my sidewalk after a healthy dose of lake effect snow. Just once.

That leaves us with the songs, which are execrable. Why didn't they bother to get Joan Baez or someone with some actual talent to work these political messages into some songs worth listening to? The answer is because it didn't matter, and that the whole special is a contrivance. I'm one of those people who think that entertainment for children should be even more meaningful and worthwhile than entertainment for adults and something about this special doesn't pass the smell test. It comes across as a filmed deal with a bunch of celebrities providing the voices because their agents thought it would be a good career move to be involved with a non- denominational seasonal family special that has an environmental message to it.

2/10: Skip it.

This is a story about some greedy bad guys who seek to exploit Frosty and ruin his good name with a terrible product and shoddy politics. The worst part is that they succeeded by releasing "Frosty Returns."

An incomplete list of the problems with one reads like: - The "jokes" are weak and just not funny - The songs are dreadfully flat - The animation is cheaply done and poorly drawn - It doesn't even look like Frosty - The bad guy is a corparate type who doesn't care if his product is bad for the environment - c'mon guys, this is a children's special. - Frosty is now fashion-conscious. - There's no Christmas and no Santa.

All this in sequel to an all-time classic. It's sickening.

I think the biggest issue I have with this holiday perennial, is that it was obvious that the writers were trying to put together a script that appealed to kids on one level, and adults on another, not unlike Willy Wonka. While this is certainly admirable to shoot for, it's very difficult to pull off and when it misses it can be quite painful to watch. This was no exception; it not only missed, but missed badly; consequently, much of this is completely unwatchable.

Additionally, the animation is poor. One of the producers is Bill Melendez, famous for his work on the Peanuts cartoons. Not coincidentally, the animation and the characters at times look like something out of a Peanuts cartoons. Unfortunately, it captured none of the charm of even the least inspiring of the Peanuts cartoons.

Not least of all, the music was tuneless and uninspiring. It wasn't hummable, it wasn't memorable, it was just embarrassing.

Why this continues to be shown every year opposite the original Frosty - in my mind one of the three best Christmas specials of all time - escapes me. If it were my call, I'd just run the original Frosty, twice. In the meantime, on this I'll pass.

0 out of 10.

This is bad. I mean, it's just BAD. There is no reason at all to watch this.

The animation is poor and the characters look like cheap, Charlie Brown knockoffs. Specifically, the nerdy science kid looks like Marcie's illegitimate little brother with a bad wig. The writers, desperately trying to channel the spirit of Willy Wonka, tried to make a script that appealed to kids on one level, and adults on another, and failed, miserably, at both.

The music (by Mark Mothersbaugh, late of DEVO) was tuneless and boring and completely unmemorable - which, considering it came from someone who had given us inspired music like "That's Pep", "Peek-a-Boo" and the cover of "Satisfaction", you expected far better.

Shall I go on? In an attempt to relate to kids from broken homes, they have Holly's mother, Lil, with a father who is unaccounted for. My best guess is that he was at Moe's Place with Homer Simpson because he was too embarrassed to be associated with this.

As I watched this with my daughter (who, wisely, was more concerned with playing with junk mail and my dog's chew toy) I cringed at the songs, winced at the "jokes", shook my head at the awful animation. Then came four words that explained everything: "Executive Producer - Lorne Michaels".

And suddenly, it all made sense.

The shame of this is that I like John Goodman, I like Jan Hooks and I even like Jonathan Winters. I sense they were trying their best to make chicken salad out of this. But their talents, were completely wasted here.

It is incredible to me that CBS insists on showing this garbage, every year, back-to-back with the original Frosty - a sublime classic. I get that CBS owns it, and consequently can make more cheddar by cramming this down our throats annually; but, then again, I own a pair of orange plaid bell bottoms and a 45 of Andy Gibb's "Shadow Dancing" and I'm not going to break them out for public consumption any time soon.

I spent 30 minutes watching this, and I'm never going to get those 30 minutes back. Watching replays of Game 6 of the 1986 World Series, would have been more rewarding.

Avoid, avoid, AVOID!!!

-748/10