- Beldar Conehead: If, for some reason your life functions ceased, my most precious one, I would collapse, I would draw the shades and I would live in the dark. I would never get out of my slar pad or clean myself. My fluids would coagulate, my cone would shrivel, and I would die, miserable and lonely. The stench would be great.
- Beldar Conehead: [to Connie after they return to Earth] Your positive perception of me is vital to my existence. Besides, it is not everyday a father can give the world to his child.
- Beldar Conehead: [Spotting a tattoo on Connie's head] What have you done to your cone?
- Connie: Nothing?
- Beldar Conehead: No? Turn around!
- [turns her head]
- Beldar Conehead: NYAAAHH!
- Connie: Ehhhh! It's not a real tattoo.
- Beldar Conehead: Mibs! Mibs! Unacceptable!
- Connie: It's just a decal; everyone's wearing them.
- Beldar Conehead: If everyone jumped into a bituminous cauldron, would you jump in too?
- Connie: I am not a little cone anymore, Dad!
- Beldar Conehead: Maintain low tones with me! Maintain low tones! Now, you are to go to the hygenic chamber and remove it! Also, you are wearing far too much lip and cheek enhancement.
- Connie: Mom - ! My makeup looks okay, doesn't it?
- Beldar Conehead: Do not involve the approval of your other parental unit. Now, if you wish to accompany me to the enclosed retail compound, you will go to the hygenic chamber upstairs immediately, and REMOVE THE DECAL!
- Ronnie: H... hi, Mr. Conehead.
- Beldar Conehead: [Peels back the roof of Ronnie's car] I find you unacceptable!
- Ronnie: Yes, sir!
- Beldar Conehead: If I did not fear incarceration from human authority figures, I would terminate your life functions by applying sufficient pressure to your blunt skull so as to force its collapse!
- Ronnie: [Beldar replaces the roof in its original position and walks away] Th... thank you.
- Otto: Are you telling me you don't have a social security number?
- Beldar Conehead: Correct.
- Otto: Why not?
- Beldar Conehead: I am an illegal alien.
- Lisa Farber: All men are pigs.
- Prymatt Conehead: Ah, pigs. An omnivorous domesticated cloven-hooved vertebrate that defecates in the same place it consumes.
- Lisa Farber: Exactly.
- Beldar Conehead: An owner's manual to a Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable.
- Highmaster: Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable?
- Beldar Conehead: A personal conveyance named after its inventor, an assassinated ruler, a character from Greco-Roman myth and a small fur-covered mammal.
- Highmaster: Ah.
- Athletic Cone: I have learned much from watching the Garthok battle. It has weaknesses. I believe I can take it.
- Beldar Conehead: Uh-huh. And let me know when Elvis gets here.
- Prymatt Conehead: Perhaps you and Larry will join us for consumption of mass quantities this weekend. We will ignite our new flame pit and char mammal flesh for you.
- Lisa Farber: That sounds like fun. I'll make some coleslaw.
- Prymatt Conehead: Ah, coleslaw. We will enjoy it.
- Connie: I think I'll have some Tang.
- Prymatt Conehead: Ah Tang, the drink astronauts took to the moon.
- Beldar Conehead: Astronauts to the moon?
- [Beldar and Prymatt laugh]
- Eli Turnbull, INS Agent: If they are in fact aliens from another planet, sir, doesn't that make them Airforce jurisdiction?
- Gorman Seedling, INS Deputy Commissioner: If they're just visiting, sure. But the minute they try to work here, they're mine.
- Otto: Hey Beldar, got any more of that gum?
- Beldar Conehead: Certainly.
- [hands him a wrapped condom]
- Otto: On second thought, I better not chew and drive.
- Beldar Conehead: [Furious to be kept waiting over his car repair] What choice do I have? It is as if you have grabbed me by the base of my snarglies!
- Prymatt Conehead: He was behaving like a flarndip?
- Connie: [Confused] Flarndip?
- Prymatt Conehead: A masher, a hustler, an uninvited grasper of cone.
- Beldar Conehead: [Overhears this and is irate] FLARNDIP?
- Prymatt Conehead: I was a young cone myself once. Before I met Beldar, I was very attracted to a young Thorasian forger. And I far as I was concerned there was no other life force in the universe that mattered. But then he got a job working at a volcano complex on some moon in the Petulaus Cluster. I never saw him again. And it broke my blood valve chamber.
- Beldar Conehead: Ah, the morning consumption of mass quantities. Grid-like breakfast slabs... seared strips of swine flesh and flattened chicken embryos. I will enjoy it.
- Beldar Conehead: Take my car, its re-enforced alloy superstructure is far superior to that of your broken down, rusted out shit box.
- Otto: Beldar, do you know the key to success in this country is?
- Beldar Conehead: I do not.
- Otto: Well, I'm gonna tell you. Look good. Be your own boss. Never get chained to a desk. When it comes to business, take cash only.
- Beldar Conehead: Look good, be own boss, no desk, cash only.
- Otto: You got it.
- Prymatt Conehead: It is good to hone in places other than our guz chamber before slar phase.
- Beldar Conehead: Who said?
- Prymatt Conehead: Good Housekeeping.
- Beldar Conehead: [Catching Ronnie and Connie together] NYAAAAHHH! Senso-rings? Where did you get those?
- Connie: Under your bed?
- Beldar Conehead: Unacceptable! Your cone is too young!
- Beldar Conehead: When my people come to colonize this planet, your name will be on the protected rolls, and you will come to no harm.
- Gladys Johnson, Driving Student: You are wise. But there's a sadness to your wisdom.
- Prymatt Conehead: When the High Master hears of the destruction of our ship, he will be most displeased.
- Beldar Conehead: Affirmative. He will surely cut off my plargh and hand it to me.
- Prymatt Conehead: Uuuugh!
- Prymatt Conehead: Beldar, there is something we should discuss that is far more important than planetary conquest.
- Beldar Conehead: What? What could be more important than - planetary conquest?
- Prymatt Conehead: Beldar, I am with Cone.
- Beldar Conehead: You? I? A young one?
- Prymatt Conehead: Affirmative.
- Connie Conehead: I love you, Mom.
- Prymatt Conehead: The currents of chromo-bonding between you and your parental units are infinite.
- Beldar Conehead: Our currency stock is insufficient.
- Prymatt Conehead: Incorrect. You have been working nights. I have been saving.
- Beldar Conehead: Ah, I praise you, Earthwoman.
- Beldar Conehead: This dwelling is no longer acceptable. Even by Earth standards it is not good enough for you and our young one. We must try to settle in a safer neighborhood. One with better schools and a stronger local economic matrix which will not tax us to death.
- Beldar Conehead: Do not despair. We will be rescued. Until then, we must adapt. When the hydrogen droplets have ceased, we will go forth and live undetected on Earth amongst the blunt skulls.
- Prymatt Conehead: Beldar, how can we live among the blunt skulls?
- Beldar Conehead: We will blend in.
- Beldar Conehead: Greetings, Earthwoman. Time for the midday consumption of mass quantities.
- Prymatt Conehead: I have re-radiated leftover starch disc.
- Beldar Conehead: Ah, pizza! I will enjoy it.
- Customer: Hey, Otto, this dude's almost as fast as you are.
- Otto: Nah, man, this boy is the best. Shows up on time, gives me an honest day's work. You can't find people like this anymore.
- Customer: You know, that's right.
- Otto: These other dudes, these white boys and the brothers show up late, they loaf around. All they want is a check.
- Customer: I heard that.
- Beldar Conehead: Excuse me, Otto, I am feeling it is time for midday cessation of activities for protein-carbo intake.
- Otto: Yeah, sure. Take your lunch break.
- Beldar Conehead: Lunch. Lunch. Lunch. Lunch.
- Otto: The boy loves to eat.
- Beldar Conehead: Lunch-lunch. Lunch. Lunch. Lunch-lunch-lunch. Lunch. Lunch! Lunch-lunch! Lunch! Lunch!
- Prymatt Conehead: Greetings, my geneto-mate. How was your day ferrying humans across the grid?
- Beldar Conehead: Acceptable. Tips could have been better.
- Otto: Beldar, If you're gonna live here and have kids, you're going to have to get yourself together. Buy yourself a car, maybe get a hat for that head. And *got* to do something about those teeth.
- Ronnie the Mechanic: I don't know who you are or where you're from...
- Beldar Conehead: France. We come from France.
- Lisa Farber: You should be very careful with Beldar. He's got that Continental accent that some women find irresistible.
- Ronnie the Mechanic: Hi, Mr Conehead.
- Beldar Conehead: I find you unacceptable!
- Ronnie the Mechanic: Yes, sir.
- Beldar Conehead: If I did not fear incarceration by human authority figures, I would terminate your life functions by applying sufficient pressure to your blunt skull so as to cause its collapse!
- Carmine: Where are you from?
- Beldar Conehead: Brockton, Massachusetts.
- Carmine: Hey! My mother's from their!
- Carmine: Alright, here's the deal, your name is Donald R. DeCicco. Got that?
- Beldar Conehead: Donald R. DeCicco?
- Carmine: Yeah, that's you. D-E capital C-I-C-C-O. You were born August 11th, 1951, in Brockton, Massachusetts.
- Beldar Conehead: Brockton, Massachusetts?
- Carmine: Oh, it's a lovely town there!
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