Troll 2

Imagine....some really bored media students who have rented a motor-home and have loads of popcorn to be used. Then imagine a film where those are the most expensive things in it. This is that film. Troll 2 - yet has no troll. Just goblins. But hey. The first time I saw this, I wished I had been wearing a nappy or sitting on a very big sponge, it is that funny. Personally, I could not get up from rolling around on the floor, nor the people I was with, although they had it worse, as they kept falling off the bed. Unfortunately, it is funny without meaning to be, simply because it is that bad. It seems to just have people dragged in from the street in the leading roles, which could well be true. Maybe somebody was very drunk when they decided to make this film. Or when they made it. Or when they went ahead with all the stages of production. Just possibly. Anyway, it is hilarious. I got my DVD copy for £2. That says it all really I would say. Watch this film if you want to see: neon-coloured food, children in masks and dressed in sacks charging around a forest set to a dodgy 1990-theme, awful make up, worse acting, even worse dialogue, the funniest yokels ever (including Sheriff Freak - 'nuff said) and the mightiest weapon ever seen in any film ever. Go on, watch it. Best laugh of my life, could be yours too.

This here is a treasure for bad movie buffs like myself. Absolutely unbelievable.

Perhaps my favorite scene is when the family is greeted by complete strangers holding a welcome party in the FAMILY's house. Well... their temporary house that they, uh... well, you'd have to see the movie. Anyways, they are in the house and some old lady is playing country music on the piano. Everyone goes "La la laaa la la la la la la laaaa" and there is this fantastic breathtaking shot of a person carrying a cake towards the family.

Well maybe my real favorite scene is where little Joshua is snooping during a town meeting. They are all discussing the evils of meat, sausages, and clusters of hemorrhoids.

I have never seen a more delightful piece of absolute trash in my entire life. Everything here couldn't be more laugh inducing. It's made on such a technically inept level it's unimaginable. Some of the most memorable (not in a good way) lines of dialog are presented here:

"Joshua is not a little s***, he's just very sensitive."

"If my father discovers you here, he'd cut off your little nuts and eat them."

For a film that's titled "Troll 2" didn't it seem kind of strange that there were goblins and no trolls in the film? And don't let this fool you into thinking the original Troll film is terrible. It hasn't anything to do with that film.

Yes, my friends, if you want bad film-making, look no farther!

"Eggs! BLEH!"

This IS the best movie ever made. Nothing I have experienced has displayed the degree of perfection attained by the geniuses (yes geniuses and nothing less) behind Troll II.

The story-line is gripping, believable, and damn scary. The Waits family is on a month long vacation in the country town of Nilbog, as part of the family exchange program. They leave the modern conveniences of their home to "rough it" in Nilbog's rural setting. I'm on the edge of my seat already, but wait, there's more. Young Joshua's deceased Grampa Seth comes back from the grave to warn the family of Nilbog's dangers. The beautiful Holly Waites's boyfriend tags along with his blatantly homo-erotic chums. There's something strange about the curiously unrefrigerated "Nilbog Milk." Oh, and did I forget to mention that the town is full of GOBLINS?!!!

The acting in this film can be summed up in one word and one word only: superfine. Every member of the Waites family was portrayed realistically and intriguingly. The chemistry between Elliot and Holly was so intense that I would be surprised to hear that there was not something going on off camera. The town matriarch has full command of the screen whenever she graces it with her presence. One actor takes the cake, however. Scene stealer Draco Floyd as the Store Owner is a sight to behold. He truly takes this movie that extra step into masterpiece. Watch for him. He'll give you chills.

The special effects are top of the line for 1992, and some of these techniques are still used today. Watch for the spear throwing, the regeneration of Creedence's hand, Grampa Seth in the mirror, "the shirt buttoning scene," the vegetable transformations, "the popcorn scene," and of course, the goblin costumes.

The underlying social commentary of Troll II was truly ahead of it's time. Homosexuality is dealt with on many different levels. Elliot and his boys are obviously repressed closet homosexuals. Their's is a constant struggle for acceptance into the Waites family. The town of Nilbog is in fact run by a lesbian who lusts after Holly Waits and takes great pleasure in the demasculinization of Arnold. Vegetarianism is approached more directly. The goblins turn their human victims into vegetables before devouring them. This says in no uncertain terms that everything you eat (plant or animal) was alive once, and killing is still killing. Troll II takes a chilling look at organized religion in the sermon scene. The Preacher (played by my father, I'm pretty sure of it) has his congregation in the palms of his hands and easily turns them against the lovable, freckled Joshua. Power like that belongs in no one man's hands.

On the whole, realism sells Troll II. It's scary because it COULD happen. Don't watch this one alone or at night, but DO watch it. You won't forget it.

This is it, folks: the worst movie ever made.

I know, I know, there are many who argue that "Plan 9 from Outer Space" and "Manos: The Hands of Fate" are worse "films" than this one. Well, I'd advise those people to give "Troll 2" another viewing, this time with an open mind. As something of a self-made authority on the worst of the worst in modern cinematic torture, I feel qualified to make the bold assertion that "Troll 2" is the cream of that particular crop.

From its laugh-inducing soundtrack (apparently recorded using only a vintage 1980s Casio keyboard) to its unilaterally awful acting, "Troll 2" is a life-changing experience, similar to the Middle Ages' trials by fire. If you succeed at ingesting this festering piece of cinematic detritus in one sitting, you will emerge a new person, like a phoenix rising from its own ashes. The watching itself may be painful, but it is ultimately worth the pain to be able to say, with conviction, "I survived 'Troll 2,' and I'm still technically alive."

The special effects in this movie are, indeed, special -- like a one-legged blind woman with Alzheimer's. Trivia: one of the various Emmanuelles from the infamous "Emmanuelle" series of soft-core porno movies designed this movie's pitiful costumes. That should give you some indication of their quality.

The acting -- my God, where do I start? Suffice it to say that, if you set any cast member on fire, I would lay down even money that he or she would have a hard time convincing onlookers that it hurt. They're really that bad. More trivia: One of Elliot's "boys" in this movie would later go on to reprise his role (Disposable Character in Bad Movie) in the Lou Diamond Phillips classic "Bats." Even more trivia: The father in this movie was a local dentist, and most of the extras were bona fide Utah residents, as well. Talk about low-budget.

Back to the soundtrack -- There's not a single scene in the movie where the music is appropriate to the on-screen action. I get the impression that the "composer" employed for this stinker was, in fact, a failed auditioner for Def Leppard's still-vacant keytarist position. Seriously, it's rare, even in straight-to-video dogs like this one, to hear music of this woeful caliber.

What more can I say that hasn't already been set forth in previous reviews? This is the worst movie I have ever seen, and that's saying something. It's physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting to watch this film -- I recommend doing it alone, at least the first time you see it...that way, you can concentrate on its truly majestic badness -- and on feeling your brain cells die off, one by one, until you are no longer able to speak.

Good luck to you, if you decide to watch this one. It doesn't get any worse than "Troll 2."

ADDENDUM (October 2007): This is still the worst movie of all time. Its status as such will never change. "Troll 2" is simply the perfect storm of bad writing, casting, direction, cinematography, costuming, score, makeup, effects, acting, editing, and inspiration.

UPDATE (June 2010): I just watched it again. Alone. In one sitting. God help me, some component of my brain must be fundamentally defective.

POSTSCRIPT (September 2013): This film continues to alter the life of each man, woman, and child with the good fortune/taste to bathe in its glory. I could not recommend it more strongly.

CODA (February 2021): This magnum opus infests my soul still. Daily, I am haunted by its indelible essence. I will never escape.

My sister made me watch this. She insisted it was a contagion, a disease she was compelled to spread. After seeing it, I truly understand, relate, and recommend.

It's awful! But a transcendent awfulness...you want to pass it around like milk that might be spoiled, but everyone needs to test it anyway.

I've never laughed so much at something that isn't even trying to be remotely comedic; it's a travesty.

I'm not surprised there are drinking games built around it, but you'll be more than amused watching it sober.Yes, it's that bad! But fun - you want to see it over and over again, and force other people to watch it too. Rent it on a particularly bad day: you'll forget everything irritating in your life, and be weirdly involved in a world of badly-clad midgets; suddenly wondering if baloney sandwiches or urine could possibly be the solution... If you vote, give it a one - it truly deserves the recognition of being one of the worst movies ever.