Miami Golem

Miami Golem aka Miami Horror is a saucy little mish mash of adventure. It's not horror, action or sci-fi; it's really a tacky combo of Hollywood elements &cliches sort of strung together logically. Stars David Warbeck and Laura Trotter put together solid performances. And the rest of the cast is up to task as well. At the end of his career, Albert DeMartino directs what is essentially a cornball script quite well. Some great photography of Miami is exploited by the filmmakers, in order to hammer home the concept that, this is indeed Miami. Which brings us to the issue of the other word in the title; golem/horror. Now, this little fella is ridiculously silly in appearance, yes. But so was Miami in the 80's and did I mention the script? Hilarious. As for the music, other reviewers have noted the obvious borrowing of Beverly Hills Cop motifs. But this happens only during the opening credits montage. The rest of the score works very well for helping to propel the corny script. Why the composer Detto Mariano so blatantly "borrowed" Axel's Theme is anybody's guess, but again, this is only during the very beginning of the freaking movie, so its not as big a deal as other reviewers have noted. Other musical passages are very dramatic and/or intense. Miami Golem is worth a look if you enjoyed such films as Devil Fish, Pod People or Puma Man. It is a charming little action movie that has ambitions which are reached for with endearing failure. Also I think it is interesting to note that Warbeck & Trotter each appeared in perhaps the 2 most special of all the Italian Horror films released in 1981, The Beyond & Nightmare City, respectively. In my mind these films represent the pinnacle of Italian Horror during the final part of its most amazing era. Although Miami Golem does not come near the level of visceral engagement those films create, it is nonetheless solid, this may almost be top notch entertainment.

This budget-starved Italian action/sci-fi hybrid features David Warbeck as a Miami reporter who is chosen by the ghosts of the people of Atlantis (!) to stop an evil businessman (Academy Award nominee John Ireland) from using a telepathic fetus grown using spores from an asteroid to rule the world. You got all that? Despite such a loopy plot, this is actually quite a bore and the RAIDERS OF ATLANTIS sneers at it with contempt. Honestly, the most (intentionally) creative thing about this flick is the slight reworking of Herbie Hancock's BEVERLY HILLS COP theme for the opening titles. The most unintentionally creative bit involves a scene in a lab that is inexplicably shown twice back-to-back. Perhaps director Alberto De Martino wanted to get all avant garde on us in the twilight of his career? I was going to declare this Ireland's worst film on his resume but then I saw SATAN'S CHEERLEADERS was listed on there. I would also like to safely declare that I am probably the only person in the history of the world to do a double feature of this and Hitchcock's VERTIGO.

A reporter, Craig Milford, who works for The James Keller Public Telecommunication Center, has an interview with a German professor of a Floridian university, who made an unknown creature based upon some substance of meteor(s). But then a man named Anderson, who is trying to control the whole planet with the creature, and his man kill the professor and his assistants and plunder the creature. So Craig and his new female psychic partner, Joanna Fitzgerald, who can communicate not only with human being but also with alien friend(s) of the creature, begin to find the creature and try to send it to an alien spaceship... This film has some great casts and staffs. For instance, it has the actor, David Warbeck of THE BEYOND, the actress, Laura Trotter of NIGHTMARE CITY, the special visual effects creator, Sergio Stivaletti of Dario Argento's masterpieces, and the director (and also the story- writer), Alberto De Martino of THE MAN WITH ICY EYES and THE KILLER IS ON THE PHONE. And these talented people make an incredibly bad film, named, nothing but this MIAMI GOLEM which is essentially a confusedly combined film of CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND with E.T.THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL. And this not-only-confused-but-also-crammed film has something worth; genetic engineering with psychical research. Consequently the film has at least one scientific and/or technical flaw; genetic engineering and psychical research are never compatible. (Strangely enough, regarding this strangely childish combination of genetic engineering and psychical research, the leading character, Craig, himself says THERE MUST BE A BETTER EXPLANATION to the short-haired psychic, Joanna. But, after all, the whole story of the film doesn't and can't present any kind of BETTER EXPLANATION.) In addition, this film has something more laughable; its problematic music. What the composer, who is credited as Robert Marry, provides is nothing but the strangely insistent BEVERLY-HILLS-COP-tasted music. I don't want to say this Italianised theme of BEVERLY HILLS COP per se is particularly bad music, but I have to say it seems to be manifestly clear the music does not have the fitness for this film per se at all. Indeed just who can think BEVERLY HILLS COP has the compatibility with genetic engineering and/or psychical research?

Greetings And Salutations, and welcome to my review of Miami Golem; here's the breakdown of my ratings:

Story: 1.00 Direction: 1.00 Pace: 1.00 Acting: 0.75 Enjoyment: 0.75

TOTAL: 4.50 out of 10.00

So along comes another David Warbeck movie. Boy, this guy had the bad luck to end up in third-rate flicks. Unfortunately, that also goes for Miami Golem.

The story that Gianfranco Clerici, Vincenzo Mannino, and Alberto De Martino delivered to the audience had plenty of scope to be intriguing and engaging. And though they provide a few of those elements, they missed out on opportunities and fluffed a few of the ones they included. The concept of growing an alien from an unknown substance found in a meteorite is magnificent and completely human. Unleash the monster, then stand there stupified as you ask yourself, what have I done? But the trouble with the story rears its ugly head early in the narrative. Why is there only a tycoon after the living alien goo? If it's that important, where are all the guards? Why aren't any governments involved? It's illogical, even when it's explained. Sadly, the irrationality doesn't stop there. The writers introduce us to Joanna Fitzgerald, who can decrypt ancient Atlantian and may not be fully human. Though, it doesn't stop reporter Craig Milford from frigging in her rigging. There's also a mysterious bloke who may be an alien mobile phone as he receives messages from the final frontier. It would have strengthed the story along with the characters had the writers fleshed them out more. In fact, most of the characters needed extra pizazz, but none more than Milford. For a lead character, he's pretty uninteresting - but that could be down to David Warbeck's portrayal.

Martino also directed the movie and, in some ways, did a worse job than with the writing. With the story, he tried to make things fascinating and provocative. Regrettably, he sticks to the tried and tested point-and-shoot style. There's little in the way of inventiveness. His style is the epitome of averageness. However, he attempts to vary the film's flow, especially when we get to the action sequences, but they marginally miss their mark.

The performances are a mix of passable and woeful. Sadly, Warbeck's impassive performance as Milford hinders the movie most. I felt sorry for Laura Trotter because it must have been like playacting a love scene with a 2x4 plank. Martino must have noted his apathy because in the segment where he talks to himself - sorry, an alien caricature of himself - Martino removed the camera from the false Milford. This way, the viewers couldn't mistake one for the other.

Miami Golem isn't a movie I'd quickly recommend to either the Horror or Sc-Fi fans. It's so average and carelessly written that it renders it a leave-your-brain-at-the-door film that is better watched with your sarcastic mates after you've supped a bevvy or three.

Listen! No good will come of growing that alien organism in that test tube, so come here and study my IMDb lists - Absolute Horror and The Final Frontier to see where I ranked Miami Golem - or to find a better movie to watch.

Take Care & Stay Well.

Unimpressive import in the action/horror subgenre. Take note that the "action" is of the exploding car and airboat variety typical of 80s testosteroni and cheese flicks. As for the "horror"...that would be a fetal baby with heavy mascara in a pickling jar, supposedly a reality-bending alien who's extracted DNA sample is of great interest to the criminal underworld. The blink of of nudity we're offered is of the leading lady...her rack is pretty smokin', but she's otherwise at the ass-end of average, with a butch lesbian haircut.

In one especially hilarious and unbelievable drop-of-the-ball, there's a lengthy scene which twice-consecutively repeats itself for absolutely no reason at all. The most easily-detectable flub imaginable actually made it through the post-production stage of this floundering hunk-o'-junk, unless it happens to be a blooper specific to the particular video release I endured...in any case, it's a mind-blowing gaffe.

Another impotent selection from the late David Warbeck's woefully disconsonant filmography. He was a fine actor sadly choked in weak material, and his presence signifies the sole point of distinction in this torpid little bootless errand.

3.5/10. Awesome title, at any rate.