- Skipper Jonas Grumby: We've got to shove off, little buddy.
- Willy Gilligan: Oh no, not you! Not now!
- Skipper Jonas Grumby: I'm sorry. It's time to go. We'll be back real soon; it's only a three-hour tour.
- Willy Gilligan: It's *NEVER* a three-hour tour!
- Frankie, the Big Kahuna: [at the bar] Gimme another one, Little Buddy.
- Bartender: Don't call me that. I *hate* that!
- Frankie, the Big Kahuna: What does that mean, "we're not in?"
- Annette: Wild guess? I think it means they're not in.
- Bobby: Boy, it's quite a piece of dialogue when you intellectual masterminds get together! I should be writing this down!
- Frankie, the Big Kahuna: But what does "we" mean?
- Bobby: [impossibly sarcastic] I think it's the plural form, meaning "more than one." Would you like me to conjugate that for you, Pop? Do you know what "conjugate" means, Dad?
- Michael: We tried to figure where to take you last night, but you kept saying, "Why, oh, why, oh, why, oh did I ever leave Ohio?"
- Frankie, the Big Kahuna: That's a damn good question.
- Dick Dale: You're asking me if I, Dick Dale, can play Venus?
- Frankie, the Big Kahuna: Yes.
- Dick Dale: No.
- Bobby: [after his dad's overdone sentimentality has induced mass vomiting throughout the plane] This is why we don't travel.
- Frankie, the Big Kahuna: You look familiar. Have we met?
- Willy Gilligan: I don't think so. I've been away for a long time.
- Frankie, the Big Kahuna: Where? Prison?
- Willy Gilligan: No, worse then that. A tropical island in the Pacific. There were chicks there, but you couldn't touch them. Wanna hear about it?
- Frankie, the Big Kahuna: No!
- Bobby: Where's the movie stars? I thought L.A. was supposed to have movie stars, rock and rollers, celebrities.
- Annette: Oh honey, that's what all midwesterners think. L.A. is just like any other place.
- [Annette goes to pick up her suitcase from the luggage rack when O.J. Simpson appears and takes the suitcase first]
- Man at Airport: Excuse me, ma'am but I do believe this is my bag.
- Annette: Oh, I'm sorry. Of course it is. My is leatherette and this seems to be...
- Man at Airport: Pigskin. Thank you very much.
- [runs off]
- Bobby: Hey, Mom! Do you know who that was?
- Annette: No, honey. Who?
- Bobby: What was...
- [in the distance Simpson trips and falls into a pile of suitcases]
- Bobby: Nah. I guess I was wrong.
- Frankie, the Big Kahuna: [Sandi throws her boyfriend's surfboard out the window] What was that?
- Sandi: What was what?
- Frankie, the Big Kahuna: That thing!
- Sandi: What thing?
- Frankie, the Big Kahuna: I saw you throw a thing!
- Frankie, the Big Kahuna: [to Annette] Did you see that thing?
- Annette: I think I saw a thing but I don't know what thing I thought I saw.
- Bobby: God I'm proud. It's like a conversation at the Kissingers, isn't it?
- [first lines]
- Bobby: 45 years ago, my parents were the most popular teenagers in America. It's true. My dad was a teen idol. Girls threw themselves at him. Unfortunately, this was 1962 and he had to throw them back. When Dad wasn't singing he spent his time on a surfboard. They called him The Big Kahuna. When I was born, Dad wanted to call me Little Kahuna. Luckily, he settled for Bobby. As for Mom, she joined that stupid cult club called the Mouseketeers. She became the first pin-up queen for boys under 12. Anyhow, they got married and moved to Ohio right after the accident. Don't get him started on the surf accident. We have this nightly ritual called dinner and the accident story. Let me spare you this... 20 years ago while surfing this huge wave knocked the Kahuna right off his board and he's never been the same since.
- Willy Gilligan: You know, I lived with a guy for years. A real genius. He could take a couple of these pineapples or a couple of coconuts with some strings and wire and make a nuclear reactor. But he couldn't fix a two-foot hole in a boat. Wanna hear the rest?
- Frankie, the Big Kahuna: No!
- Willy Gilligan: Maybe the Midwest is for me.