Mai troppo giovane per morire

This movie is bad. But it's the laughable, entertaining kind of bad you find in movies like Grease II. You see great and crummy actors and actresses cast together that you would have never imagined, EVER. Gene Simmons of KISS fame plays the villainess gal with 'something extra'. You camp it up, Gene! You gotta love Gene Simmons, who has been playing in drag longer than Dame Edna. John Stamos plays himself basicly, no change in hair or motivation. He's handsome enough I suppose, but there is no acting range for this man. George Lazenby (one time James Bond) even makes an appearance!! Vanity made her career on those flawless cheekbones/exotic beauty, matched with dazzling clothes and sexy prancing, works her formula to the hilt. But she's convincing, because she seems like the type who really could beat the stuffing out of someone. She's a tough gal, secret agent with a heart of gold. The flirtation scene between John Stamos, Vanity and the garden hose will make heterosexual men lose sleep over her. (And make transvestites pine for Vanity's jungle bikini) The breast and nipple biting in this movie will truly surprise and titillate you! See it to laugh, to mock, and to marvel at the feminine charms of Gene Simmons. Nothing beats a great pair of legs!

"Stargrove, Lance Stargrove." John Stamos plays the son of super spy George Lazenby (you know, the guy who played James Bond in one movie) in this 80s teen oriented Son-of-Bond type of story. When his super spy dad is murdered, high school gymnast Stamos teams up with his dad's former partner, 80s sexpot Vanity, to stop evil hermaphrodite Velvet Von Ragner (Gene Simmons). Generally speaking, this film is a mess, but it's a glorious unintentionally hilarious mess. Try to imagine if Tim Curry's Dr. Frank-N-Furter from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" was suddenly a James Bond villain, which admittedly would be pretty funny, except this film couldn't seem to make up it's mind if it wanted to be an straight James Bond action film or a spoof. Simmons many "disguises" wouldn't fool anyone outside of Scooby Doo and it's completely baffling why Simmons' army of henchmen are dresses like refugees from a Max Max film. Why would the creators of this film have thought the world wanted another gymnast action hero after 1985's rousing flop "Gymkata"? I suppose this film was directed by Gil Bettman, the man behind "Knight Rider" and "BJ and the Bear," so he is someone who thought the world needed a crime solving car and road stories of a trucker and his pet monkey. Oh, you also get Robert Englund in a hammy role as one of Simmons' henchmen. I'm pretty sure both England and Simmons realized this movie was a mess, but I'm not sure anyone else did. Only worth watching as a so-bad-it's-good viewing experience.

Many films fall into that 'so-bad-they're-good' category. The guys at Troma have even made it a revered art form. But Troma has yet to match "Never Too Young to Die." Without realising it, the filmmakers have achieved the ultimate tacky 80's action movie. It has just a perfect balance of tacky 80's acting (with "Jessie" from "Full House," Gene Simmons from KISS, and Vanity--what ever happened to her?), tacky 80's action, tacky 80's music, and tacky 80's production design. The plot is the most convoluted mess I've ever seen. That is to say that there really is a plot, but you find yourself smacking your forehead repeatedly in disbelief as the writers juggle tacky 80's clichés, predictable plot turns, and convenient situations that no one would ever buy. And sometimes, it just doesn't make any sense at all. But when all is said and done, the final product is a movie that is just delightfully crappy. My suggestion: rent this movie with some friends and some booze, and have a rollicking good time bashing this movie. I give it a 0 for its poor quality and a 10 for its "entertainment" value. Total score: 5

Are ya feeling like breaking out? Looking for danger Feeling adventurous Then you must Put your trust Not in a stranger

Playin' your own game Do it your own way Keepin' your own sound That you found Goin' down Playin' like you play

Who knows what you'll find You might like it, or not But all that you find, boy Is all that you got

(Stargrove!) Flying like you've never flown (Stargrove!) Runnin' through a danger zone (Stargrove!) Are you gonna stand alone? Stargrove! Stargrove!

You feel like takin' The world on your shoulders You're just a Robin Hood Makin' good Where you could You're one of the soldiers

Faster than lightning Nothing can strike you You got the good stuff Tough enough Stayin' rough There's no one like you

Who knows what you'll find You might like it, or not But all that you find, boy Is all that you got

(Stargrove!) Flying like you've never flown (Stargrove!) Runnin' through a danger zone (Stargrove!) Are you gonna stand alone? Stargrove! Stargrove!

This should have been released as a single. It should have been #1 on Billboard's charts for months! Absolute perfection.

And Gene L. Simmons should have won the Oscar for best performance in '86. Absolute genius.

I haven't seen this movie in over ten years but it still sticks in my mind. Gene sticking his middle finger on Vanity's chest and maniacally shouting out, "STARGROVE!!!!" The gay dance sequences. The unrequieted love of poor Cliff for his mondo studdly friend and hero, Lance. Gene's performance of "It takes a man like me to be a woman like me" (some of the lyrics of which were so good, incidentally, that Gene recycled and used in the song 'Spit' on the album 'Revenge') This whole movie rocks. I can't believe it is out of print, and I can't believe it isn't available in digital format yet. You can't go wrong with this movie.

This movie is so horrifying, stultifyingly bad that it's total lack of anything that could remotely be termed "quality filmmaking" deserves some sort of Nobel Prize. (After which anyone involved in this project, down to the caterers, should be bundled up and sent to The Hague to stand trial for crimes against humanity.) It's one of those very rare projects that leaves your jaw dropped in sheer aghastness from beginning to end. They say "Plan 9 From Outer Space" was the worst movie ever made. No. I've seen "Plan 9" and this makes it look like "2001: A Space Odyssey."