Breeders

Review By Kamal K

In an instant the biggest issue with Breeders becomes apparent. It has some of the worst acting ever. Not in a 'so good it's bad' kind of way, it's just bad. Dialogue delivered as if most have only just learned how to speak, a total lack of emotion, no facial expressions...it's near unwatchable with Teresa Farley being the worst culprit.

Then you have the effects. The monster is extremely disappointing, it looks like a man in a suit and doesn't excite or intrigue.

After directing one of the most acting bereft movies of the 1980's, Robot Holocaust, gay porn director Tim Kincaid must have thought that all he needed to do was add more boobs in his next foray into mainstream film-making resulting in this straight to video T&A abomination.

Breeders begins with the rape of one of the sluttiest virgins I have ever seen by a "German" man who transforms into a bug-eyed alien. It goes downhill from here. At this point the rape victim is subjected to the worst bedside manner ever as Det. Dale Andriotti (Lance Lewman) and Dr. Gamble Pace (Teresa Farley) discuss her mutilation in all it's gory details about one foot from where she is recovering. Nice. Sadly, these two numbnuts are the main characters of this film. Dr. Pace tells Det. Andriotti, who would be more convincing cast as a paperboy, that a series of these rapes targeting virgins in New York City have become too numerous to be a coincidence. They begin to investigate the rapes together as Det. Andriotti seems to be the only police officer in the greater Manhattan area. These scenes are interspersed between supposed women of sexual purity in various forms of undress. These "virgins" engage in snorting cocaine, nude aerobics, nude cooking, and the sexually arresting nude phone conversation with their mother. Whatever the opposite of a hard-on is I've got it. Eventually all of the victims are summoned in the nude to an underground bath in, well, use your imagination. Thankfully Dr. Pace and Det. Andriotti battle the alien in an abandoned subway that is stocked full of supplies for dispatching the fiend. Perhaps they were really resourceful rats.

Everything about this movie screams amateur hour. To say that the performances are community college level would be an insult to those actors who couldn't afford money for a good school. Teresa Farley is particularly awful as she delivers her lines in the same monotone way while glancing offscreen, presumably to look at the cue cards. I have no problem with copious amounts of nudity but some of the women are more of the Bloodsucking Freaks nude for the sake of being nude variety. Little surprise from someone who's directing history consists of male locker rooms and public toilets. An eye for female beauty Mr. Kincaid has not. This movie was made for those that wanted to see naked women but didn't want to get caught coming out of that back room of the video store by one of his neighbors. "Oh, hi Mrs. Smith. What did I rent? Oh, it's just a sci-fi monster movie. See the scary alien on the box." Keep lying to yourself pervert!

This almost makes it into that truly rare category of a movie that's so bad it's actually entertaining--but not quite. Aliens are looking for virgins to impregnate. Why do they need virgins?--who knows. But New York City in the 1980's is definitely the wrong place to look for them. Of course, if there was anything virginal about the actresses they cast in this movie they probably wouldn't have been cast in this movie, but even the pristine credentials of the characters they play seem pretty suspect. One girl is a coke-snorting model (a group well known for their chastity). Another does her aerobics in the nude (obviously her extreme shyness would explain her intact maidenhood). You get the idea--this is the unlikeliest group of "virgins" to ever appear outside a porno film. But besides the "virgins" you have the "detective" who doesn't look like he's old enough to shave and the "aliens" who usually disguise themselves as random human males, probably because their rubbery suits are totally unconvincing. The dialogue is absolutely atrocious, especially the hilarious way everybody makes a long, dramatic pause before uttering the word. . . "virgin".

Many professional reviewers have pointed out how tasteless the climactic scene is where all these naked women writhe around in some kind of viscous alien fluid. Well, if you have any taste to begin with you wouldn't watch this movie long enough to get to that scene. If this movie was just a little more sleazy it would be a porno flick and this scene would be a great big . . . well, you get the idea. This movie isn't as good as the similar "Humanoids from the Deep", but at least the director didn't try to claim that Roger Corman or somebody went back and added all the gratuitous sex and nudity. (This would have been a 5-minute short without it). I'd only recommend this movie to sick perverts who enjoy completely tasteless, morally indefensible trash (not that that's necessarily a BAD thing. . .)

Definitely the worst film I have seen in YEARS! Maybe the worst I have ever seen. Absolutely no plot, story or a thread of acting ability in this film. CHEAP on all levels of production. These people have had very little work since the film between them all, and thank god for that. It was probably hard finding this many people-whom lacked any talent at all-to put in a single film. My only question is, "How did this film get a 2.7 rating out of 10. I wish the rating scale had negatives. Maybe it got some votes for the constant naked breast shown in every other shot. Even that was done so badly it got boring. Do not waste your time or money, learn where I have failed.

*SPOILER ALERT* * SPOILER ALERT*

You might think this movie is about aliens. You'd be wrong. Sure there are aliens, and they do attack. But what the movie is really about is breasts. Female breasts. Naked female breasts.

Naked woman are attacked by aroused aliens. Yes. That's right. It looked cheap and tacky. It was cheap and tacky. Still a good time for an aliens on the hunt movie.

Near the end, all the naked women jump into a pot of alien goo. I'm not saying what's in that goo, but the title is "Breeders". A high point in B-movie moments.

It was sleaze to please. I was pleased.