- Eddie Mazda: [spying on a man who's cheating on his wife] Eh, Thompson, you got steak at home and you're out getting a chili dog.
- Arky: Katrina wants you to date her cousin.
- Eddie Mazda: Forget it! Taking out your food is risky enough.
- Eddie Mazda: [carrying a fish bowl] Mrs Karwacky, I know you like animals, please take Stan & Ollie into your home.
- John Hollander: You know anything about my partners' death?
- Eddie Mazda: I read the papers. Even the big words.
- Mona Williams: What's the matter? You just landed the biggest case on the island.
- Eddie Mazda: I wanted a burger, I got a stampede.
- John Hollander: If it was murder, do you suspect that it might have been somebody in my company that killed him?
- Eddie Mazda: Caesar wasn't stabbed by strangers.
- Carmen Nunzo, Jr.: Whoa, it's late. What'd you do all day?
- Eddie Mazda: Lets see, eh, bought a car, bought a business. Hired some help, signed a client, worded with his wife. Got the hots for his ward, but, eh, she dates Popeye the druggist. And I started looking for a killer. Also, I had a Danish.
- Carmen Nunzo, Jr.: I had the same kinda day.
- Eddie Mazda: Yeah?
- Carmen Nunzo, Jr.: Yeah. I had a Danish.
- Mona Williams: You just missed our first real client: a surfer who lost his board.
- Eddie Mazda: What's he gonna pay with, sand?
- Eddie Mazda: So far I've talked to four people, including the client. And they're all like lake fall squirrels, hiding everything. Or do the squirrels out here just lie on the beach and rent jet-skis?
- Landlord: Hey, just, eh, promise you'll take me on a case some day?
- Eddie Mazda: As soon as we get a little more steady work.
- Landlord: Hey, maybe I could, eh, carry a rod?
- [indicating a gun with his fingers]
- Eddie Mazda: Only if you're expecting lightning.
- Mona Williams: I gotta go see a man about a surfboard. I'll get those personal files right after.
- Eddie Mazda: Sooner better than later, later better than not at all.
- Mona Williams: Chinese fortune cookie?
- Eddie Mazda: A men's room in Newark.
- Mona Williams: Are you prone to seasickness?
- Eddie Mazda: I wouldn't know. I just don't like water that isn't in a container.
- Eddie Mazda: I got a plan. Here. You be the stick, I'll be the stone.
- Mona Williams: I wanna be the stone. It's cuter.
- Eddie Mazda: Is there an ancient Hawaiian proverb about how sometimes the bear bites you, sometimes you bite the bear?
- Mona Williams: Doubt it: no bears.