Ritorno a Gor

No, not really. Possibly the most disturbing "buffalo shot" in cinematic history (the poor dwarf in the bearskin diaper bares all as he climbs down a building face.) Obviously I've only seen the MST version, but even that was hard going. It made for quite a funny episode, though. If it ever comes out on home video, check it out. Just avert your eyes when you see the dangling dwarf. ..

Ah, Gor. I really used to think Cave Dwellers was pretty crappy, but Outlaw of Gor makes me wish Ator could skewer Cabot while Thong pummels Watney Smith into submission. Having seen Outlaw several times, I must admit, it does tend to get better and you catch even more hilarity. The strange thing is that the humor is so unintentional since the actors really play their roles so seriously! Also, add to the fact that Outlaw is preceded by Gor which makes following the plot (what plot??) a difficult task indeed.

Jack Palance really looks annoyed in almost every scene he's in. Maybe it's those really goofy hats he wears and his facial expression which says "I have more talent in my pinky fingernail than all these scum actors combined." Urbano is less than mediocre as Cabot, but is less painful to watch than Russel Savadier's portrayal of sex starved Watney. Try not to regurgitate during his massages (EWW!). The barely clad nymphs in the film add a little (and I do stress little) enjoyment to the film especially the terrific acting of Donna Denton whose "Get out of here, you disgusting worm!" speech may be the highlight of the entire movie. That or any scene with Nigel "Kermit" Chipps.

There must've have been so many Seymour Butts jokes during the making of this film.

Let's see.... take one of the more infamous literary staples, namely the Gor books by John Norman, convert it to film and you'd think you'd be onto a winner. Why? Well, the Gor books, for those of you who haven't had the pleasure, or pain, can be summed up as follows: Conan with pornography. Each and every novel was chock full of porn, sado-masochism and bondage. In short, a "raging-hormone-male-teenager's" wet dream. Hidden amongst the sleaze and thinly-veiled attempts to make the reader think of women as nothing but objects, there are actually some pretty good action-adventure stories. So it would seem that converting them to celluloid would be a winner, even if only on the soft-porn circuit.

Sadly, Outlaw of Gor is nothing like the books. Given my description above, some might breathe a sigh of relief at that. Unfortunately, by taking away the sex, having a budget less than that of the average teenager's weekly pocket money and doing some awful re-inventing of the novels' original ideas (yes there were some!), the filmmakers literally killed the golden goose and replaced it with a prize turkey.

Outlaw is just horrendous throughout, from the acting, the sets, the laughable "costumes", the editing and dialogue right down to the fight scenes that appeared to have been choreographed by the Marx Bros. But the worst thing is seeing how little they used the original material. Nevermind the porn, they plucked names out of the books and didn't do a whole lot else. Tarl Cabot, the hero of the novels, is translated into a weedy vegetarian who is totally against slavery - a complete reversal from the novels. Likewise the Priest-Kings - In the books alien insectoids who ruled the planet. In the movie we get.....Jack Palance, who doesn't seem to be in command of his own lines, let alone the planet. And yes, Jack leers and mugs his way throughout the movie, at least having the grace to look embarrassed at several points.

The plot is feeble, centering around an evil Queen's attempts to take control of the city of Koroba by murdering her husband and blaming it on Cabot. There then follows interminable amounts of wandering about in the desert by Cabot and his midget henchman (I kid you not!). We're also treated to far too many shots of the midget's rear end during the film (I mentioned the costumes were rubbish, didn't I?) and awful moralising dialogue by Cabot about the evils of slavery.

There are no special effects to speak of - the budget was too miniscule for that, just the heady excitement of one lame swordfight after another. At the end, which really sums up the whole movie and had me in hysterics, Tarl Cabot makes as if to snap his sword over his knee - a symbolic gesture of peace. Would have been good too, except that the sword does not break - it bends into a U shape like it was made out of thin tin. Yep, that's Outlaw of Gor for ya - all bent out of shape.

Even on MST3K this is one of the lamest excuses for a movie. It really is best avoided.

Wow, is this flick ever a heaping mound of elephant dung. The terrible skimpy metallic costumes and lame dance routines done by the few women "acting" in this film can't have been made in 1989... who was lame enough to continue fads from 1983 at this point in their career? It's a good "bad movie" to watch MST3K-style, though... although seeing Jack Palance in this just made me cry. Was he forced to do it? Did he really need the money? Poor Jack. Must be pretty embarassing to be a supporting actor with top billing. Rent it and weep, my friends!

My theory: The producers of this film first made the movie "Gor". It only took them four days. Then someone noticed that they still had three days left on their equipment rentals, so they decided to film a second movie. Someone put together a script while on a potty break. They used the same sets, the same props, and much the same cast. The end result was "Outlaw of Gor".

Jack Palance must have been hard-up for money to do this. It ranks up there with the biggest wastes of talent in movie history, right next to Max von Sydow in "Strange Brew" and Sir Lawrence Olivier in "Clash of the Titans".