- Heather Chandler: Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Teresa? If I did, I probably wouldn't mind talking to the geek squad!
- Kurt's Dad: My son's a homosexual, and I love him. I love my dead gay son.
- J.D.: Wonder how he'd react if his son had a limp wrist with a pulse.
- Veronica Sawyer: If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being. You'd be a game-show host.
- Heather McNamara: Let's knock off early. Buy some shoes. Something lame like that.
- Veronica Sawyer: All we want is to be treated like human beings, not to be experimented on like guinea pigs or patronized like bunny rabbits.
- Veronica's Dad: I don't patronize bunny rabbits.
- J.D.: Football season is over, Veronica. Kurt and Ram had nothing left to offer the school except date rapes and AIDS jokes.
- Veronica Sawyer: I just killed my best friend.
- J.D.: And your worst enemy.
- Veronica Sawyer: Same difference.
- Veronica Sawyer: Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, and Ram a brain. I don't know what it's given me, but I have no control over myself when I'm with J.D. Are we going to prom or to hell?
- Heather Duke: I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times and I felt bad everytime I did it but I kept doing it anyway. Now I know you understood everything. Praise Jesus, Hallelujah.
- Ram Sweeney: [after watching J.D. flirt with Veronica] Let's kick his ass!
- Kurt Kelly: Shit, Ram - we're seniors, man. We're too old for that kind of crap. Let's give 'im a good scare, though.
- [They walk to where J.D. is sitting]
- Ram Sweeney: [Sticking his fingers into J.D.'s lunch] You gonna eat this?
- Kurt Kelly: What did your boyfriend say when you told 'im you were movin' to Sherwood, Ohio?
- Ram Sweeney: Answer him, dick!
- Kurt Kelly: Hey Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a "No Fags Allowed" rule?
- J.D.: Well they, uh, seem to have an open door policy for assholes though, don't they?
- Kurt Kelly: What did you say, dickhead?
- J.D.: [He sighs, stands, and pulls out a gun] I'll repeat myself.
- [He shoots Kurt and Ram]
- J.D.: I can't believe you did it. I was teasing. I loved you. Course, I was coming up here to kill ya...
- Veronica Sawyer: You know what I want, babe?
- J.D.: What?
- Veronica Sawyer: Cool guys like you out of my life.
- Pauline Fleming: Whether to kill yourself or not is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make.
- Heather McNamara: It's your turn, Heather.
- Heather Chandler: No, Heather, it's Heather's turn. Heather?
- Heather Duke: Sorry, Heather.
- Veronica Sawyer: Dear Diary: Heather told me she teaches people "real life." She said, real life sucks losers dry. You want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. I said, so, you teach people how to spread their wings and fly? She said, yes. I said, you're beautiful.
- Veronica Sawyer: This may seem like a really stupid question...
- J.D.: There *are* no stupid questions.
- Veronica Sawyer: You inherit 5 million dollars the same day aliens land on the earth and say they're going to blow it up in 2 days. What do you do?
- J.D.: That's the stupidest question I've ever heard.
- Veronica Sawyer: You're a rebel? You think you're a rebel? You're not a rebel you're fucking psychotic!
- J.D.: You say 'toh-may-toe', I say 'toe-mah-toh.
- Veronica's Mom: When teenagers complain that they want to be treated like human beings, it's usually because they are being treated like human beings.
- J.D.: People will look at the ashes of Westerburg and say; "now there's a school that self-destructed, not because society didn't care, but because the school was society." Now that's deep.
- Heather Chandler: You stupid fuck.
- Veronica Sawyer: You goddamn bitch.
- Heather Chandler: I brought you to a Remington party and what's my thanks? It's on a hallway carpet. I got paid in puke.
- Veronica Sawyer: Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up.
- Veronica Sawyer: You know, I have a little prepared speech I tell my suitor when he wants more than I'd like to give him. Gee, blank, I had a really nice...
- Brad: Save the speeches for Malcolm X, I just want to get laid.
- Veronica Sawyer: You don't deserve my fucking speech.
- Heather McNamara: Suicide is a private thing.
- Veronica Sawyer: You're throwing your life away to become a statistic on U. S. fucking A. Today; that's about the least private thing I can think of.
- Veronica Sawyer: Heather, why can't you just be a friend? Why do you have to be such a mega-bitch?
- Heather Duke: Because I can be.
- Veronica Sawyer: That knife is filthy.
- J.D.: What do you think I'm going to do with it, take out her tonsils?
- Veronica Sawyer: Excuse me, I think I know Heather a little bit better than you do. If she were going to slit her wrists, the knife would be spotless.
- Veronica Sawyer: [writing in diary] Betty Finn was a true friend and I sold her out for a bunch of Swatch dogs and Diet Coke heads. Killing Heather would be like offing the wicked witch of the west... wait east. West! God! I sound like a fucking psycho.
- Veronica's Dad: Will someone tell me why I smoke these damn things?
- Veronica Sawyer: Because you're an idiot.
- Veronica's Dad: Oh yeah, that's it.
- Student: Did you hear? School's canceled today cause Kurt & Ram killed themselves in a repressed, homosexual, suicide pact.
- Heather Duke: No Way!
- Veronica Sawyer: Hey, Martha. My date for the prom kinda flaked out on me. I was wondering, If you weren't doing anything that night, maybe we could rent some new releases and pop some popcorn.
- Martha 'Dumptruck' Dunnstock: I'd like that.
- Veronica Sawyer: Yeah. Me too.
- Veronica Sawyer: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?
- Heather McNamara the Cheerleader: Probably.
- Heather Chandler: They all want me as a friend or a fuck. I'm worshiped at Westerburg and I'm only a junior.
- Officer Milner: [arriving on crime scene] So, what's the deal?
- Officer McCord: Suicide. Double suicide. They shot each other!
- Officer Milner: Hey, that's Kurt Kelly!
- Officer McCord: And the line backer, Ram Sweeney.
- Officer Milner: My God, suicide. Why?
- Officer McCord: [holds up bottle of mineral water found next to one of the bodies] Does *this* answer your question?
- Officer Milner: [appalled] Oh man! They were fags?
- Officer McCord: [grimly] Listen up:
- [reading from forged suicide letter]
- Officer McCord: "We realized we could never reveal our forbidden love to an uncaring and un-understanding world."
- Officer Milner: [disgusted] Jesus H. Christ!
- Officer McCord: The quarterback, buggering the linebacker...
- [shaking head]
- Officer McCord: What a waste!
- Officer Milner: Oh, the humanity!
- J.D.: Is your life perfect?
- Veronica Sawyer: I'm on my way to a party at Remington University... No, my life's not perfect. I don't really like my friends.
- J.D.: I... I don't really like your friends either.
- Veronica Sawyer: Well, it's just like - they're people I work with, and our job is being popular and shit.
- J.D.: Maybe it's time to take a vacation.
- Heather Duke: [playing croquet] So what are you gonna do, Heather? Take two shots or send me out?
- Heather Chandler: Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? First you ask if you can be red, knowing that I'm always red.
- [puts her croquet ball against Heather's and sends it flying]
- Heather Duke: Shit.
- Heather Chandler: It's your turn, Heather.
- J.D.: Um... 'to me, though, suicide is the natural answer to the myriad of problems life has given me'.
- Veronica Sawyer: That's good but Heather would never use the word myriad.
- J.D.: This is the last thing she'll ever write; she'll want to use as many 50-cent words as possible.
- Veronica Sawyer: She missed 'myriad' on the vocab test two weeks ago.
- J.D.: That only proves my point more. The word is a badge for her failures at school.
- J.D.: Well, ah... Let's take a look at some of the homosexual artifacts I dug up to plant at the scene.
- [He picks up a shopping bag and pulls items out of it]
- J.D.: All right. Got an issue of "Stud Puppy."
- Veronica Sawyer: Great!
- [She laughs]
- J.D.: Candy dish. Joan Crawford postcard. Let's see, some mascara. All right. And here's the one perfecto thing I picked up. Mineral water.
- Veronica Sawyer: Oh, come on, a lot of people drink mineral water, it's come a long way.
- J.D.: Yeah, but this is Ohio. I mean, if you don't have a brewski in your hand you might as well be wearing a dress.
- Veronica Sawyer: Oh, you're so smart.