- Arnold: There's one more thing you better understand. I have taught myself to sew, cook, fix plumbing, build furniture - I can even pat myself on the back when necessary - all so I don't have to ask anyone for anything. There's nothing I need from anyone except for love and respect and anyone who can't give me those two things has no place in my life.
- Arnold: Ma... I miss him.
- Ma: Give yourself time, Arnold. It gets better... But, Arnold, it never goes away. You can work longer hours, adopt a son, fight with me, whatever... it'll still be there. But that's all right, it becomes a part of you, like learning to wear a ring or a pair of eyeglasses. You get used to it. And that's good. It's good, because it makes sure you don't forget. You don't want to forget him, do you?
- Arnold: Let's get one thing straight first. A: I want children and B: if anyone asks: I'm the pretty one.
- Arnold: [about his parents] It kills me to know that they look at me and all they can think is, "Where did we go wrong?"
- Arnold: [Ed's trying to make a case to get back together] Ed, do you remember why we broke up in the first place? Do you really think you can bring your friends here? Do you think you could introduce me to your parents as your lover, and David as our son? Ed, Angel, I just threw my mother, my mother! Out of the house, all she wanted was to not talk about it. Do you really think I'm gonna ask less from you?
- Arnold: A ugly person who goes after a pretty person gets nothing but trouble. But a pretty person who goes after a ugly person gets at least cab fare.
- Bertha Vanation: Just wait until you see my act: Bertha Vanation and her Dance of the Virgin.
- Murray: Which she does *completely* from memory.
- Bertha Vanation: Bitch!
- Arnold: I don't want to hear what you have to say, because believe me, you don't want to hear what I have to say.
- Arnold: I think my biggest problem is being young and beautiful. It's my biggest problem because I've never been young and beautiful. Oh, I've been beautiful, and God knows I've been young, but never the twain have met.
- Laurel: Just because I said that's what I wanted doesn't mean that's what I wanted. I mean, it may be what I wanted, but that doesn't mean I'm necessarily ready for it.
- Bar Patron: Can I buy you a drink?
- Arnold: Oh, fuck off!
- Arnold: [later, after coming out of the back room] At least I don't have to cook him breakfast.
- Murray: Now if only that idiot Ed will settle down.
- Arnold: You must be begging for a slap, Ed's the last thing I need right now.
- Murray: Exactly my point. Ed is the last thing you need. You have everything else: looks, a career, money enough to keep your figure, and someone who depends on you. Now all you need is someone on whom you can depend.
- Arnold: There's another group you need to watch your food stamps around: the hopeless. They break down into three major categories. Married, *just in for the weekend*, terminally straight. Those affairs are the worst! You go into a relationship with someone who's hopeless, knowing the limitations, and accepting them maturely. Then wham-bam you're burning black candles at midnight and writing letters to Dear Abby. And you ask yourself *what happened*?
- Arnold: Try and imagine the world the other way around. Imagine every book, every magazine, every TV show, every movie was telling you you should be homosexual. You know you're not, but...
- Ma: Stop already, you're talking crazy.
- Arnold: You wanna know what's crazy? After all these years I'm still sitting here trying to justify my life. THIS is crazy!
- Ma: You haven't heard one word I've said!
- Arnold: [yelling] I know you would rather I was straight, I'm not! Would you also rather I lie to you? My friend Ed, who'd never dream of telling his parents, instead he cut his parents out of his life. And they wonder 'why? Why is my child so distant?' Is that what you'd rather?
- Ma: No. But it doesn't have to be on every conversation, either.
- Arnold: You want to be a part of my life, I'm not editing out the things you don't like!
- Murray: [to Arnold, who has shut himself off from any intimate contact after the death of his lover] Alan died, honey - not you.
- Arnold: You can't expect me to sit around all the time waiting for you to call.
- Ed: Oh, I never asked you to. I told you to go out, have a good time, meet other people.
- Arnold: I can't. I'm not built that way.
- Ed: Well, I'm just not ready to make that kind of commitment.
- Arnold: I'm not asking you to. But if I have to accept you going out, then you have to accept that I'm not.
- Murray: Don't look now, but pretty boy has tracked you down again.
- Arnold: Oh my God, will you stop?
- Murray: 'Tis love, 'tis love. Him looking at you like a three-year-old at his first ice cream cake. And you runnin' from him for your life. Now, my calculus might not be up to snuff, but I can still put two and two together, and what I get is love.