Space Mutiny - Duello nel cosmo

Yeah, the film industry is not what is was when Ed Wood was directing, and B-movies don't get released in theaters anymore; but they do get released on video. And we should be glad that they do, at least in the case of Space Mutiny, 'cause it may be the single most unintentionally hilarious movie ever made. Don't believe me? Just take a look at these numbers:

# of times our ostensible "hero" screams in panic: 17

# of jumpsuited extras flung into the air with pneumatic catapults: 14

# of insertions of "Battlestar Galactica" footage: lost count around 40

# of previously seen shots edited in:15

# of times the Enforcers refer to each other as "idiots": 7

# of off-the-shelf glowing balls in the Bellarian scenes: 8

# of times Ryder or Kalgon yells at someone to "MOVE!" or "GO!": 26

# of occasions Kalgon starts laughing for no apparent reason: 18

# of minutes you get to watch grown men trying to kill each other with golf carts: 5

# of railing kills: 24 (may have missed a couple)

Don't pass up a chance to see this; one of these days, someone involved with it is going to get embarrassed enough about it to try and have all the copies destroyed.

Flint IronStag, Bulk VanderHuge, Thick McRunFast...

How bad does a movie have to be when it can't even afford special FX, so it has to borrow visuals from a TV series like "Battlestar: Galactica"?

As bad as "Space Mutiny".

Blast HardCheese, Punch RockGroin, Buck PlankChest...

And this one is really bad. Scratch that: really really really REALLY bad. Bad like a room full of dirty socks. Bad like listening to Yanni music for the rest of your life. Bad like a prison haircut. Bad like that tux you wore to the prom.

Stump JunkMan, Dirk HardPec, Rip SteakFace...

The story might have worked (members of expedition to new planet revolt against captain, crew), but they blew it from the moment they used old Commodore graphics for the starting credits and an old Casio keyboard for the theme music.

Slate SlabRock, Crud BoneMeal, Brick HardMeat...

The cast helps nothing by containing the likes of such once-respected actors as Cameron Mitchell, James Ryan and John Phillip Law (yes, he was respected once) in the cast. The sight of Mitchell in his bushy white beard makes it look like he should be handing out toys to the cast and inviting them to sit on his lap.

Rip SlagCheek, Punch SideIron, Gristle McThornBody...

Has anyone seen Cisse Cameron in anything other than this movie? No? Probably a good thing, especially after watching her "seduction" scene with that bald guy and trying to dance seductively with a hula hoop. It's like watching your grandma in a strip club. Ewww....

Slate FistCrunch, Buff HardBack, Blast ThickNeck...

But the worst offenses are committed by "hero" Reb Brown, all beefed-up and steroid-enhanced as a space jock who screams, shouts, whines and will make no one forget Sam Jones when he played "Flash Gordon" so many years back.

Crunch ButtSteak, Slab SquatThrust, Lump BeefBroth...

And has anyone ever seen a spaceship with brick walls, warehouse windows and cement floors? Me neither. Jeez, even the old Roger Corman sci-fi flicks had better set design than this.

Touch Rustrod, Brief Blastbody, Big McLargeHuge...

And as if you haven't guessed, the only (and I mean ONLY) way you'll ever get any enjoyment out of this mess is by watching the MST3K version with Mike and the Robots throwing every last bit of pretension this flick had over one of its innumerable rails to the floor far below.

Smoke ManMuscle, Feet PunchBeef...

Two stars for "Space Mutiny", ten stars for the MST3K version (plus five special stars for all the superlatives for Brown).

...Bob Johnson?

I must agree with that quote. This movie royally sucked. The plot and acting are terrible. The special effects are somewhat good, but they are ripped off from Battle star Galactica. The MST version of course rocked. That's where I got that quote which was just hilarious. I will say one good thing about this movie: It was awfully nice of them to give that dead woman a second chance.

Anyway, this movie was terrible and deserves to be on the bottom 100. Never watch it without Mike, Tom Servo and Crow.

Watching "Space Mutiny" is the metaphorical equivalent of drinking cat urine...there's no way it can be any good for you, so why even try?

The special effects in this film are, I'm not kidding now, stock footage from Battlestar Galactica (played backwards, in some cases), or shot on what appears to be low-resolution video using models probably built from discarded "He-Man" toys. Unfortunately, that's about the best thing in the movie.

The acting...my God, the acting...I have NO idea who came up with this dialogue. Reb Brown is ridiculous, John Philip Law is absolutely NOT to be believed, and the rest of the cast, as well as the costumes, look like outtakes from an episode of Buck Rogers! (The second season...the really STINKY one!) The whole damned thing looks vaguely like a fever dream I had as a child after drinking sixteen cans of "Jolt"...and it's equally incomprehensible. My God, they actually announce the arrival of a pirate fleet by having some dope on a microphone say, "This is the pirate fleet...surrender or be turned into astro-dust." I think they shot the whole thing in a brewery with Go-Karts and used the same shot of a hops bin blowing up no less than four times. This movie has to be seen to be believed. I actually bought a copy for three dollars, just so I could show my friends that I was NOT making it up. Run, don't walk, away from this film.

0.0 stars out of a possible five.

OK, folks! Don't worry, I won't be giving away anything important, although I don't think I could spoil this movie if I tried. So off we go...

As what sounds like Kintaro's arrangement of 'O Fortuna' wafts our way, we are subjected to the film's opening credits. They look like they were produced by a Commodore 64 and they freeze up more than once because there are too darned many moving objects on the screen.

Welcome to Battlestar Galactica-- I mean, the Southern Sun! This ship is home to an entire civilization, despite the fact that 90% of it appears to be a brewery. In charge of this magnificent flying basement is Captain Santa Claus, assisted by his Billy-Idol-wannabe sidekick. I've seen this movie at least a dozen times and still am not really sure what the plot is, but it has something to do with a greasy-haired guy named Kalgan trying to disrupt the transportation of a bunch of magical -- and (of course) extremely horny -- women. Santa puts our seemingly brain-damaged hero Ryder in charge of defeating Kalgan. Meanwhile Captain Santa's daughter Leah, who somehow doesn't seem much younger than the Captain himself, gets pretty chummy with Ryder. In the words of Crow T. Robot: "If you pretend you know what's going on, it's actually kind of exciting."

Watch and enjoy the following: Vacu-formed unitards, ridiculously small weapons, Santa's incredibly fake beard, tinfoil muu-muus, Kalgan's giggling fits, Ryder's bizarre reaction shots, a woman who punches in at work despite the fact that she was just murdered, Leah's sensual Dance of the Hoola Hoop, the most '80s bar scene EVER, women who reeeeeally like Van DeGraf Generators, countless shots of computer screens (graphics by Kenner), Ryder's attempt to say 'auxiliary', and numerous molasses-fast chase scenes involving golf carts... or floor waxers or something.

This movie is not campy; it's just that everything is wrong in all the right ways. Acting, sets, lighting, costumes, dialogue... they're all just plain goofy. These folks tried to make an exciting space-drama -- and maybe it would've been if they had dared to take ANYTHING up a notch -- but every aspect of it just says, "space movie" and nothing more.

If this movie was just plain bad, you might have to feel sad for the people that made it, thinking it would work. However, it makes such a leap into the ridiculous that you just have to laugh. A must-see for fans of so-bad-it's-good movies. And whether you love or hate sci-fi, this is a very funny movie.

I give it a 4 -- it may not affect you the way it's supposed to, but it's great entertainment.