- Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: And in the end, I realized that I took more than I gave, I was trusted more than I trusted, and I was loved more than I loved. And what I was looking for was not to be found but to be made.
- [Jake's job interview]
- Howard: How do you feel about slave wages?
- Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: Slave wages are okay.
- Bill: How do you feel about alcoholics?
- Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: Um, I like alcoholics?
- Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: [getting ready for bed] Oh, come on. Am I supposed to make my best friend stay in a hotel?
- Kristen "Kristy" Briggs: Best friend, my ass. You haven't seen him in two years and in that time he has turned into a complete jerk.
- Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: Excuse me?
- Kristen "Kristy" Briggs: You heard me and his girlfriend is nauseating.
- Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: Nauseating?
- Kristen "Kristy" Briggs: [shouting] Her mother died last night, but she didn't want to come! She models nude in videos!
- Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: She wasn't nude though. She was wearing one of those G-things.
- Kristen "Kristy" Briggs: It probably wasn't a video.
- Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: Well, m-maybe her mother wasn't a very nice person.
- Kristen "Kristy" Briggs: I don't care if she was or if she wasn't! That bitch has no feelings! And it makes me sick she's sleeping in our house! I'll have to burn the sheets!
- Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: What if it was one of your friends, huh? What if the shoe was on the other foot?
- Kristen "Kristy" Briggs: I'd go barefoot!
- Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: [sits on the bed] Oh, jeez. Don't give me that righteous pose.
- Kristen "Kristy" Briggs: Move! Move!
- Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: So what do you want me to do? Tell me, tell me, tell me. You want me to throw them out in the snow? You'd like that wouldn't you?
- Kristen "Kristy" Briggs: Yes.
- Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: Well, forget it!
- Kristen "Kristy" Briggs: You're not sleeping in this bed!
- Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: Oh, really?
- Kristen "Kristy" Briggs: Anywhere but in this room or in this bed!
- Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: Isn't it gonna be a little bit embarrassing to have Davis know that we're fighting?
- Kristen "Kristy" Briggs: Not to me.
- Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: [shouts] Ok, fine! Forget it! Forget it! But if he asks... I'm telling him everything.
- Kristen "Kristy" Briggs: Don't forget to tell him how I feel about his girlfriend!
- Erin: [downstairs in the living room] She's got some lungs when she wants them, huh?
- [Davis shushes her]
- Grandmother: [before Jake and Kristy's wedding] He's too young and he's too immature. She's a golddigger.
- Grandfather: There's little or no gold to be dug. He's plenty old and people don't mature anymore. They stay jackasses all their lives.
- Buck from 'The Great Outdoors': [suggesting a baby name] BellawackadayforlongerAmsterdamandashquinina.
- Davis McDonald: You're the only one I ever loved.
- Kristen "Kristy" Briggs: No, Davis. You're the only one you ever loved.
- [last lines]
- Kristen "Kristy" Briggs: Did we say Christopher yet?
- Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: We said Christopher. Yeah.
- Kristen "Kristy" Briggs: I like Christopher.
- Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: I don't know. Maybe.
- Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: Wh... why do you... why do you think I'm nervous?
- Fantasy Girl: Because you don't know what you want.
- Russ Bainbridge: [to Jake] If you're gonna piss your life away writing some goddamn book that no one is ever gonna give a crap about, why did you have to involve my daughter? Let's say she gets pregnant. What are you gonna do? Three can't live on what you make. Two can't live on what you make.
- Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: [having a vision of him, Kristy and their baby in a cold, dark alley somewhere with a fire burning] Kristy, is the baby warmer?
- Kristen "Kristy" Briggs: We're fine. Sweetie, don't burn your book. Maybe we can get some wood.
- Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: Wood's expensive. Words are cheap.
- Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: [narrating] My inability to impregnate Kristy was blamed on tight shorts, having something to do with my body temperature. Seemed rather flimsy to me. To go through the hell of a fertility check and discover that my preference in undergarments was to blame seemed as silly and pointless as everything else in my life.
- Kristen "Kristy" Briggs: Jake? Jakey? My temperature's just right. This is the perfect time! Where are you? Can you hurry?
- Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: [narrating] Hiding from my wife, hiding from my manly obligation, our love nest had become a stud farm.
- Harry Anderson: Dashiel
- [suggesting a name for the baby--Dashiel is the actor's real life son's name]