Texas Lightning

There's nothing funnier (or perhaps sadder) than watching a grade D movie containing a once-famous actor who is only in it because they have come way, way down on their luck. Such is the opportunity afforded while watching Maureen McCormick (a.k.a. `Marcia' from `the Brady Bunch') doing her thing in `Texas Lightning.'

At one point in the film, Mcormick's character (a tarty, chain-smoking barmaid named `Fay') delivers the line `they don't pay me to be stupid,' which literally led me to yell back at the tube `oh, they most CERTAINLY do' (anyone who goes from a starring role in a network TV hit to this sort of grade D trash is definitely guilty of selling out).

Poorly written, directed, filmed and edited, laughing at McCormick's pathetic attempt at serious acting (including a rape scene which is so poorly done that it comes across as tasteless comedy) is just about the only entertaining thing to do while watching this boring, slow-moving `coming of age' story. None of the other principal characters in the film (who are all fat, ugly or just plain messed up) warrant any mention.

But wait - there's even more in this excursion into the realm of truly high camp: the bad performances and tiring storyline are enhanced by some of the worst production values and editing you'll EVER see. Seriously. This thing truly looks like it was shot for less than $100. The `sets' consist solely of residential dumps in drab neighborhoods, a tired roadhouse, a tacky motel and desert backwaters, and the editing feels like it was done by a drunken chimp with a machete.

And just when you think it can't get any worse, the film ends with McCormick performing a musical number, in a truly laughable preview of what would eventually become her last `career,' that of grade Z country singer.

Maureen McCormick from "The Brady Bunch" is actually a pretty good actress (I recall seeing her on an episode of TV's "Vegas" in the late '70s doing solid work). It's easy to see why she took on this low-budget project, but, alas, it is a film constructed by filmmakers who have little idea how to construct a film. McCormick plays a honkytonk waitress who befriends a backwards young man in town on a hunting trip with his "macho" dad and the dad's sniggering pals. Songbird Maureen, peppy and possibly flirting, takes the kid back to her room to make out (I think) but the other guys burst in and try to rape her (from what I could see through the production murk, 'rape' would be difficult for these lousy Lotharios). The star likely took this acting job because it's a sympathetic part and she gets to sing and play her guitar. She probably had no idea how it was going to turn out. How did it turn out? It's so bad that when I searched the credits for a director--it wasn't to see who he was but if the movie even had one. NO STARS from ****

Hillbilly trash from the early 1980s that should have been thrown out the truck windows along with all the beers cans and newspapers the characters toss while heading to their hunting destination. What was that? The characters are repeatedly shown throwing piles of trash out the windows - was that just part of what being a Good Ole Boy was about? Littering enough to make up for all the non-littering sissies with full mouths of teeth? There is a wet t shirt boob dunking contest that occurs in a roadhouse while a drunken brawl spills across the room and out into the parking lot. The coverage goes back and forth between these two things happening. They're about as exciting as they sound. Peter Jason is really annoying as the perfectly cast loud and annoying life of the party dirtbag, who is an optometrist during the work week. Cameron Mitchell gets beat in an arm wrestling contest by somebody who looks like Bocephus. Marcia Brady is the roadhouse bartender. The roadhouse scene goes on for a long time. Peter Jason is more and more annoying. Their friend whose dentures break in the sink at the beginning of the movie, he's annoyingly lousy through out the movie as well. Maureen McCormick questions "who knows what's good?" when told smoking is bad for her. The answer certainly isn't this moronically lousy excuse for a... father son comedy? Coming of age comedy? Buddy dramedy? Oh yeah, there's a rape scene, too. Classic Good Ole Boys.

A common strategy for a life in film is to trust certain artists, and few confound the spirit like Orson Welles. His best work was done late in life and much of that either we never will see or see corrupted. So we have to go spelunking through all sorts of abandoned shafts, and the most frustrating of these is following Gary Graver around.

He's a nitwit, but he was Orson's nitwit, and he did make one rather interesting porn film.

Now this is a goofy one: written by someone else, featuring no one at all who seemed to know much about what they were doing, and a story about the same. It appears that the result was so bad that the sponsor send Graver back to reshoot as he wished. So we come to this to see Orson imposed on Graver imposed on a disaster of a film about men imposing themselves on another.

Its something of a terrific game to sort out which was original and which replaced. In other words, which Graver was told to do and which he chose to do, remembering that everything he knew about film was from Welles. Its not worth it at all unless you are prepared for a great hunt and you know what the master was thinking toward the end.

Shooting for fun, shooting by Texas nitwits.

Ted's Evaluation -- 1 of 3: You can find something better to do with this part of your life.

This is the WORST MADE film I EVER SAW!!!!!! My Jr. High Film class did a better job when WE wrote our own script and shot with an 8mm Camera and B&W FILM!!!

I couldn't understand why such a successful actor as Cameron Mitchell would be involved with such a poorly written, poorly produced, poorly directed, poorly shot, and poorly edited production (If you even DARE call it that...) until I saw that it was the first film that his son Channing was in. I'll bet the producer said that his son would get the part ONLY if his DAD would star in the film!!! You can tell that Cameron Mitchell was a REAL PRO as even with this piece of SH*T script and lack of directing, he did a fairly decent job, as Maureen McCormick did as well. Boy, she must have been WAY DOWN ON HER LUCK or been bamboozled into taking the part. You can see that she really tried to act the part well, but with the GOD AWFUL direction and shooting, what should have been her best dramatic scene (The Motel Room) turned into an unintended (at least by the director) hilarious comedy (This was the FIRST TIME I ever laughed at a RAPE SCENE...).

I even wonder if the director's credit was a phony name, as I can't believe that any director worth a damn would put their own name on this piece of CRAP (unless of course they were too stupid to realize that this film was actually that BAD)!!!

First of all, The opening sequence looks like it was shot either with very fast (ASA 1600) film or 8mm film at around ASA 800. It is SO GRAINY that you can't even make out most of the signs!!!

I would go on, but there is a 1000 word limit on what I can say here, and I would use that up just describing all the bad production in the first five minutes of the film.

I RECOMMEND this film for use in film classes as a PERFECT Example of how N O T to make a film!!!