C'era una volta un amore

There are exactly 2 good things to be said about "Fantasies" (both mentioned by a previous reviewer as well):

a) Bo Derek's extraordinary, poetry-inspiring beauty. She has shots in this movie where she gives even Catherine Zeta-Jones a run for her money, and that's a high compliment indeed. Her nudity is brief and discreet, but just looking at her face is enough.

b) The Greek island setting, with its sun and crystal-clear blue waters.

Other than that, there is no story, the dialogue is abysmal and at times unintentionally funny ("He touched you where you're a woman!"), and Peter Hooten's character is a slimy jerk. Bo overplays the naivete of her character, but then again when you have to work with dialogue this bad it's unfair to blame the actors (the fact that she kept saying the name "Damir" in almost every sentence is a major irritation). Oh, and although the film is set on a Greek island, there is hardly a Greek word to be heard - apparently everyone there, from kids to old people, speaks English the whole time. (*)

Fantasies (1981)

* 1/2 (out of 4)

This was originally shot in 1973 when Bo Derek, then going by her original name, was 16-years-old and involved with director, writer and cinematographer John Derek. Needless to say, due to the subject matter this film wasn't released until 1981 after Bo had become a sex symbol with 10. In the film, she plays a young girl who begins to wonder about her changing body as well as her growing feelings for her older step brother (Peter Hooten). That's pretty much the story of this pretty bland romantic-drama that manages to be quite boring throughout the so-called controversial subject matter. It needs to be said that the young Derek has several nude scenes here, which is why the film couldn't find an original release and it's also going to be a reason why most people are going to want to stay away from this thing. I'll let one's own moral stance on the nudity decide whether they want to go any further with the film. The entire film has an extremely cheap feel to it and I really do have to wonder what John Derek was trying to do. I'm sure it was show off his young lover but it looks like he would have hired someone else to do the writing because his screenplay is quite horrid, is all over the place and it never really makes much sense. The love story is handled in a tender way but it just never comes to life. The entire subplot dealing with the hotel on the island is just bland. The film has some memorable Greek locations but these here aren't enough to make the thing worth sitting through. Hooten offers up a downright awful performance and the supporting cast isn't much better. Bo actually isn't too bad here and I'd argue that the performance here is much better than the stuff from her popular period. The film itself is pretty bad and not worth viewing except for those who want to see a young Bo. Or, if you want to see a scene where her grandfather pulls her shirt up to see how she's growing. Yeah, it's like that.

My review was written in November 1981 after a Times Square screening: Filmed in Greece in 1973 as "And Once Upon a Time", this "Fantasies" is the belated release of John and Bo Derek's first collaboration, a modern romantic fable of unbearable naivete. Inane script and absence of sex scenes in this travelog will alienate the team's current fans.

Unworkable premise has young captain Damir (Peter Hooten) and his sister Anastasia (Bo Derek) returning to their Greek island home to mobilize the peasant population to refurbishing the place as a popular tourist trap. Opening reels present a sex tease of incest as Anastasia becomes aware (at 16!) she is a woman and so does her brother. However, the wise local femme mayor (Anna Alexiadis) informs us they were foundlings up separate families brought up as brother and sister, causing fear of incest to switch to sparring romance.

Amidst boring footage of the island, sea and the peasants, emerges the picture's howler of a subplot. It turns out that "Fantasies" is actually a story of Anastasia's bathing habits! In her first scene she fantasizes bathing in a tub in a store window and then complains for several reels to Damir about bathing in the ocean, an activity he revels in. Latter half of the pic has him secretly digging up a huge stone artifact among the ruins, and incredibly, at film's finale he marries her in front of the populace and presents her with the artifact, an ancient bathtub. As their hands embrace during the ceremony, lenser John Derek racks the focus to reveal a vast ship full of tourists arriving in the harbor, ready to be fleeced.

This silly exercise looks and plays eight years later about the same as the duo's eight years after "Tarzan, the Ape Man" -hundreds of adoring closeups of Bo looking innocent, usually with a finger in her mouth; inane baby-talk dialog; silhouetted posing of characters against landscapes; and even stuttering slow-motion photography. Derek even writes in an irrelevant role of a still photographer visiting the island, so he can present an endless montage of Bo posing in various costumes.

Other than some fleeting nudity, there's not much to exploit here. Bo Derek at age 16 is a beauty, differing from her later incarnations mainly in her dark brown tresses, and offering no hint of acting ability. Peter Hooten is overbearing as her protector, with post-synched dialog, neutralizing the effect of the Greek supporting cast. Despite some pleasant folk motifs, the music score is old-fashioned, sporting repeated ballads voiced over lyrical sequences in the '60s manner.

Title "Fantasies" is a misnomer, as only a couple of meek daydreams are included. All told, a curio somewhere between a home movie and professional filmmaking.

Another Derek Dud.

Set in Greece, Bo (sporting a brunette look) has a half-brother who is either sleeping with her or not sleeping with her. A local uncle either knows or doesn't know - he certainly doesn't care. It's hard to tell what's going on as it always is when John Derek directs a movie. His script typically stinks and the direction (if you can call it that) is equally convoluted. The brother-sister dumb duo gets the idea to turn an island into a holiday resort. The results are lame.

Lots of dubbing and sub-par acting sink this one to the bottom of the Mediterranean.

I saw this movie way back at the first theatrical release, in a justifiably empty theater. Believe it or not, after decades of watching movies, this one still sticks clearly in my mind as the worst movie of all time; or at least the worst that I would allow myself to watch.

The acting is far beneath the standard set by any random group of drunken high-school students yanked off the street and forced to learn their lines in 5 minutes or less.

After the first shock of disbelief, we laughed for a while as each scene hit new lows. But after a while, even that dubious pleasure wore off and it just got to be really sad.