Conan il barbaro

You know, Conan doesn't speak for the first 22 minutes of the movie, but it's worth the wait. "Crush enemies, see them driven before you, hear the lamentations of the women" is Conan's description of what is best in life.

If you're a dialog person, this movie may not be for you. If you never paid attention to the dialog, you might do so now. Sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll! (except, without the rock'n'roll. The soundtrack is pretty awesome, though).

What can I say? It's a classic. Intense blood and gore, Eighties-esquire special effects, intense sensuality with were-vixens, magic, revenge, true love...sounds like the Princess Bride with an R rating. Just kidding.

Back when it was originally released, CONAN THE BARBARIAN was dismissed by the critics as a disposable Sword & Sorcery B-movie. It was criticized for it's excessive violence and Arnold's wooden performance. It's brilliant score and memorable sets are ignored by reviewers, as is the well choreographed swordplay. Thirteen years later, BRAVEHEART is showered with praise and Oscar respectability. It is embraced by critics despite it's graphically violent battlefield sequences, which are praised as exhilarating and authentic. Many of these battle sequences (as well as some of the costume design) bare just a little resemblance to the ones in CONAN THE BARBARIAN. Eighteen years later, GLADIATOR becomes a box-office blockbuster in a matter of weeks, taking in almost one hundred thirty million thus far. It receives generally good notices from critics despite it's historical inaccuracies, poorly edited action scenes and predictable plot. The basic story is reminiscent to the one told in CONAN, and the films violence is every bit as brutal. Isn't it funny how times change? What was once laughable and disposable is now respectable.

Arnie in the lead role. James Earl Jones as the villain. Clear effort and care, that shows, in every department. Really, what more could you ask of this film? I have not read any of Howard's stories, so all I know about Conan is how many times the character has been done, and of course what this film told me. Be forewarned, there is some sexuality(not many places, but when it's there, it can be strong), a lot of violence, and a seemingly endless stream of death throughout this, and you should only watch this if you are prepared for(and able to tolerate) such. The plot is quite good, and I understand it does incorporate several elements and occurrences from the original stories by Howard(R.I.P.). The pacing is pretty much flawless, I was never bored. The action is well-done, intense and with great choreography. Acting is spot-on, more or less. Jones is a more intimidating presence elsewhere, but he's not bad at all. Schwarzenegger does rather well. Production values are of notably high quality for the entire feature. No expense seems spared. Vast sets and locations, detailed costumes and props, countless extras. Special effects are magnificent, and not just for the time it was made. Sound is reasonable, a lot of lines seem ADR'ed, but the music is masterful. Dialog varies, but most of it is marvelous, both writing and delivery. Cinematography and editing are top-notch. This builds atmosphere skillfully, and the amount of dialog and where it occurs is chosen with care. I would advise against reading the Trivia entries, or at least all of them, before the viewing, as they do give some things away. I recommend this to any fan of the genre, Arnie, and possibly Jones and/or Sydow, as well. 7/10

Directed by John Milius, this hugely entertaining slice of sword and sorcery is epic stuff from start to finish, opening with Conan as a young boy witnessing the slaughter of his tribe by the evil snake-cult leader Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones) and his henchmen, charting Conan's subsequent life as a slave, a gladiator, and a thief, and following him as he and his loyal friend Subotai (Gerry Lopez) and sexy squeeze Valeria (Sandahl Bergman) travel to Thulsa Doom's mountain lair to rescue a king's daughter and exact a little revenge.

As an actor, five times Mr. Universe and seven times Mr. Olympia Arnold Schwarzenegger might only be slightly less wooden than The Tree of Woe to which he is nailed, but with more muscle mass in one arm than the average man has in his entire body, he makes a perfect Conan the Barbarian. As expected, Arnold mauls his dialogue like he's chewing on a vulture's neck, but he gives the role everything he's got, especially when it comes to swinging a sword and slicing up men like they're so much Extrawurst. Arnie flexes his muscles, blood and limbs fly in all directions, and Hollywood's greatest action star is born.

Milius's film might threaten to become mired by a sense of self importance at times, but with bags of atmosphere, superb production design by Ron Cobb, and stunning cinematography, plus oodles of brutal hacking and slashing, all accompanied by a breath-taking symphonic score by Basil Poledouris, Arnie's first major movie ultimately emerges triumphant.

This is one of my top-ten favorite movies of all time. It's quite easy to dismiss this film based on its genre (barbarian slash-em-up) and the limited acting ability of the star (Schwarzenegger), but Conan is nothing short of a masterpiece.

Ok, the story is fairly standard, and the principal actors (Schwarzenegger, Sandahl Bergman & Gerry Lopez) are competent but not outstanding. There are a few brief but memorable performances from James Earl Jones and Max von Sydow that help lend weight to the film, but the real stars are Poledouris' score and the cinematography. I have never seen a more beautifully-shot film in my life. The costumes, props and art direction are all top-notch. They could take all of the dialog out of the movie, and just have the music and pictures and it would still be worth watching.

To fully appreciate Conan, though, you have to watch it and then watch another barbarian-type film from any era (Beastmaster, Krull, etc.) and the difference will be stunning.