Hou fu ma

I've seen a fair few cheap chopsocky martial arts movies and, in the main, I haven't been overly impressed. Their relentless action mixed with tiresome plot-lines makes them usually a quite tedious experience for me. Occasionally, though, one comes along that makes a good impression and the uselessly titled Kung Fu Arts is happily one such movie. This Taiwanese effort gets plus points for its sheer oddness. An emperor makes a solemn promise that whoever can save his terminally ill daughter can have her hand in marriage. Unpredictably her saviour turns out to be a monkey doctor. But a promise being a promise, the princess has to marry the monkey.

Yes, a film with a prominent character who is a monkey. That's the kind of insanity I look for in these kinds of movies. The monkey is, of course, the best character in the film and outshines the actual hero somewhat easily. What kind of makes this all so good is that this nonsense is presented in a quite straight-faced manner. The sheer strangeness of a woman having to marry a monkey is never really questioned very much. Aside from our monkey friend there is the usual barrage of fighting and atrociously dubbed melodramas. But I didn't mind that stuff so much this time because this film has got Uncle Monkey.

In a bizarre sign of the times, Marc's bizarre comment from 2002 appears to have been somehow lifted from this site and printed in the packaging for "KF:M.H.T." The movie came in a set of 50 martial arts movies distributed by Treeline Films that my friend bought. In the set, it has the title "Kung Fu Arts" - complete with Marc's description of magic bananas and roller skating ninjas printed right on the package! In fact, that's why we watched this movie first out of the set. Of course, as far as I can tell, that description's some sort of inside joke.

Marc's right about two things: it does feature a monkey as a main character, and it's pretty insane. Parts of it gets boring; for a Carter Wong vehicle, there's not too much action. But some seriously messed-up things occur, especially given the way the plot is revealed. I won't forget the experience of watching it anytime soon. Ultimately, "Sida the French Monkey Star" should be remembered well. Thank you, Dr. Monkey!

So does Marc work for Treeline Films? Or is Treeline just lazy?

It is interesting and telling to note that nobody is credited for writing this wandering series of tangents from Taiwan.

Essentially, the film hails from the historical fantasy / folkloric genre of Martial Arts entertainment. The plot, though convoluted and absurd, is reminiscent of Chinese opera and other traditional aspects of Chinese story-telling.

Through a series of not-very compelling plot-twists, a beautiful princess is obliged to marry a monkey and the newlyweds are exiled to an island near the princess' former kingdom. Her lover, who is also apparently the father of her son, has also been banished because of the same series of unlikely events, and most of the film is about how he aims to settle all accounts.

There are a few unusual attempts at ribald humor, some predictable but entertaining Kung Fu, and a lot of silliness with monkeys. The film is well-shot and the princess' acting is worth watching. However, I can only recommend this film to Martial Arts completists. It took me three nights to get through it.

(1978) Kung Fu Arts DUBBED PERIOD PIECE ACTION

Incredibly stupid 'chop sockey' revenge flick centering on the conniving predecessor evil plot to take over the throne. And the Carter Wong character setting to make things right seeking retribution for the emperor's death with his only daughter married to an actual monkey, just because the monkey was carrying the medicine to cure her from being poisoned. It's silly, stupid with some ridiculous tactics such as the studying the horse kung fu, which is because the movie must've been so low budget and desperate that they had to come up with something as stupid as this.

Just for the benefit of anyone stupid enough to believe the other guy's comment (i.e. me), it's a complete lie. No monkeys, no rollerskating ninjas, no mystical bananas with control over the universe. Pretty much a bitter disappointment. It's just your average Hong Kong movie with drug smuggling and "death defying stunts".

I'll give the guy the benefit of the doubt and assume he made the joke not thinking anyone would actually take it seriously, rather than trying to maliciously trick people into buying stuff over eBay (again, me).

It looks like it still might be pretty funny (as all badly dubbed Hong Kong movies are), but it's not what's described in the comment. Yeah. I know. I'm a moron, but at least it only cost me £3. Otherwise I'd be REALLY mad...