- Bimbeau: [after tasting the punch, which the Knights have urinated in] It does have a little wang to it. Good, though.
- Newbomb Turk: Did you ever hear the joke about the man with five penises? His pants fit like a glove.
- Mrs. Freidman: [drinking spiked punch the Knights urinated in] I've had this taste in my mouth before.
- Officer Clark: [singing to the theme of Lawrence of Arabia] Lawrence, Lawrence of Arabia. He was an English Guy. He came to fight the Turkish.
- Sally: Turk, did you come?
- Newbomb Turk: A little.
- Sally: A little? What do you mean a little? Either you came or you didn't come. Did you come or not?
- Newbomb Turk: I came.
- Sally: Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed.
- Newbomb Turk: What do you get when you cross a donkey with a Bermuda onion?
- Newbomb Turk: A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!
- Dudley: [Dudley is calling his mother from Tubby's] Mother?
- Dudley's Mother: Dudley?
- Dudley: Mother, I am calling you to tell you I will be out rather late tonight. In point of fact, I might not be in at all.
- Dudley's Mother: [looks around] You're not in bed, dear.
- Dudley: Mother, I have a assignation with a young lady. I am going to explore the boundaries of my manhood. Mother, I am going to get laid.
- Dudley's Mother: You're going to be a little late.
- Dudley: Not late, mother, laid; the past participle of the verb 'to lay'. Mother, I am going to screw someone.
- [she faints, he hangs up]
- Dudley: Now I just have to figure out how.
- Bimbeau: Lemme tell you buttholes somethin'! This shit's wwaaayyyyy outta line! And you squirrels better have some nuts in your mouth... or you're goin' downtown!
- Officer Clark: Don't you think I'd look good in a moustache?
- Bimbeau: You'd be perfect. You'd be a perfect horse's ass.
- Newbomb Turk: [Wearing a wolf mask] Hey, Red Riding Hood, wanna be eaten by the Big, Bad Wolf?
- Red Riding Hood: [flips him off] Fuck you Newbomb.
- Duke: [looking at Jimmy Shines newly finished hot rod, joking] Is this piss yellow?
- Tony Nancy: [with mock shock] It's 'Tony Nancy' yellow!
- [Sally's friends are topless sunbathing by the pool]
- Sally: I don't know why you're doing that. The last time I did that my tits peeled so much I went from a B cup to an A.
- Sally: I mean, I don't know what it's gonna be. Soon I'll be going away to college and I'll probably never see you again.
- Newbomb Turk: You're going to UCLA.
- Brenda Weintraub: [Tape played over the PA system at the dance] Did you hear about Jean Freidman? I heard she had an abortion in Tijuana.
- Shirley Weintraub: That's doesn't surprise me. I heard she gave half the football team the clap.
- Jack Friedman: [at the dance, angrily] They're talking about my daughter!
- Shirley Weintraub: [on tape] They sure played like they still had it last week.
- Newbomb Turk: [on tape] That was the 'Ironbox' Twins, Brenda and Shirley Weintraub, coming to you live from the ladies' room at Tubby's Drive-In.
- Mrs. Freidman: [Speaking to a crowd of investors in her living room] Starting tomorrow, today is history...
- Bimbeau: [Overheard speaking to Officer Clark from the kitchen] HORSESHIT!
- Mrs. Freidman: Um, Nevans, there seems to be some sort of disturbance in the kitchen.
- Nevans: Um, yes, those are members of the Hollywood Police Dept.
- Mrs. Freidman: Oh, well... go take care of it.
- Bimbeau: [heard from the kitchen, screaming at Officer Clark] BULLSHIT!
- Nevans: I'll go see if I can't get those boys to calm down.
- Officer Clark: [to Duke at a traffic light] OK asshole, pull this yellow piece of shit around the corner here... you got me? Hear that? Move it!... Right now, asshole!
- [Duke dumps the clutch and burns away from the traffic stop, leaving Clark looking confused]
- Wheatly: [yells out the window of his GTO as they pass Clark still in the street] Hey Officer Clark, are you lost or something?
- Simpson: [to Newbomb, who's back is turned] Hey pencil-dick... what time is it?
- Newbomb Turk: [grabs a sandwich to throw at Simpson] Time to eat!
- [turns and hurls the sandwich which hits Officer Bimbeau instead]
- Sally: Turk, come over here. Now he happens to be very hysterically funny. I put him right up there with Steve and Edie. He has more talent in his little pinkie than you have in your whole... pinky.
- Mrs. Freidman: [Opens front door to find a bag on fire] Oh my god! Nevans! Juanita!
- Nevans: I'll take care of it!
- [Steps on the bag finding it contains dog poop]
- Mrs. Freidman: It's dog shit! IT'S DOG SHIT ALL OVER YOUR...
- Newbomb Turk: [Calling her from the street] Oh, Mrs. Freidman.
- Mrs. Freidman: [Notices one of the occupants is mooning her] I'll kill you! I'll kill you all! Juanita! Juanita, get out here!
- PomPom Girl: [During the cheerleader routine in the gym, the Cheerleader in the middle's skirt flies up showing that she isn't wearing underwear, flashing both sides to the shock/delight of the crowd] You forgot your underwear. Your underwear!
- [Cheerleader realizes what she's done and runs off in embarrassment, to the next cheerleader]
- PomPom Girl: Her underwear!
- Mrs. Freidman: [toasting with punch] Well, trick-or-treat!
- Nevans: You're already a treat.
- Mrs. Freidman: You're already a trick!
- Mrs. Freidman: [after Dudley, whose stripped of his outfit and glasses, wanders upon Mrs. Freidman and Nevans half naked] Nevans, get my clothes!
- Dudley: Look! We're all in our underwear!
- Suzie Q: How was the dance?
- Duke: I don't know, I didn't go.
- Suzie Q: Where've you been?
- Duke: Out there.
- Suzie Q: How was it?
- Duke: It's okay.
- Suzie Q: Don't shut me out. You know, I can handle blowing one screen test, just as long as I don't blow it with you. I just got to say that I was there. All I'm asking is for the chance to fail.
- Duke: I'm not worried about you failing. But maybe what I'm afraid of is, if you make it, then I won't be good enough for you anymore.
- Suzie Q: [looks at him] I love you.
- Tubby: What the hell? Hey everybody! Beer's on the house! What're they gonna do, close us down, Smitty?
- Mrs. Freidman: [after the police car hits their car and her husband catches them outside half dressed] Jack, the strangest thing just happened! We were in the car talking and...
- Nevans: [wearing his jacket on his head] They knocked my pants off and... I'm going for the police.
- Officer Clark: [arguing over the song Lawrence of Arabia] Somewhere I know that someone I think wrote lyrics to that song!