L'umanoide

I actually enjoyed this more than the better known Italian Star Wars rip-off, STARCRASH. Though it's seldom as hilariously awful as STARCRASH, it is what it is far more CONSISTENTLY. In other words, if you're not charmed by the first 10 minutes of this movie, you're not likely to like any of the rest of it either. The odd thing is that - aside from one early scene in which a vertical bed of nails penetrates a nude woman - this movie seems to have been made for kids. Is it possible that there are two versions, one of which is absent that particular scene? Everything else - from the cute Robodog, to the silly music (via Morricone, no less!), to the dime store moralizing, to the lovable gentle giant (Richard Kiel), to the magic kid from another planet - absolutely screams "kiddie flick".

I am not sure how they could eve manage to make a STAR WARS cash-in even worse than STAR CRASH... but they did! Aside from the goofy special effects and silly dialog, there's still plenty of other lameness in this flimsy and tired Italian/Israeli STAR WARS ripoff to keep even the most hardened viewer scratching their head with astonishment (when not passed out from sheer tedium).

The "villain" played by Ivan Rassimov has to be one of the biggest pansies I've seen as a cut-rate Darth Vader complete with cut-rate costume. His grand quotes comes on with such banalities as "keep them away from the missile" and "so you have come to battle me at last, princely hero!". He also really cracks the whip around his cronies with the likes of "you failed to kill the girl so you are stripped of your command for 100 days!". Wouldn't most villains kill their own men for disobeying them? No wonder the ragtag group of Leonard Mann, Corrine Clery, Richard Kiel, an Asian boy and a robotic dog destroy his entire army so easily... and his death has to be the lamest ever filmed... "ack, my blue screen is dying!"

Despite its lack of any script or enthusiasm, THE HUMANOID actually had enough budget to afford a dynamite cast, from Arthur Kennedy to Barbara Bach and Massimo Serato. Even better is the crew, featuring some heavy hitters such as veteran director Enzo G. Castellari to handle the action scenes, gore guru Giannetto De Rossi on makeup, special effects wiz Antonio Margheriti on miniatures, and maestro Ennio Morricone on the score. The only problem here really is that all these great people totally phoned it in. This film not only looks cheap, but is a real snoozer, owing largely to Morricone's shockingly awful "sleepy spacey music" which never stops! In what must have been some effort in experimentation, the music has no tune or melody to it; just random sounds as you'd hear on a late-night PBS "Space Tour" in the 1970's.

The only explanation for this film failing so hard to thrill at all has to do with all involved actually being aware at some level how cynical of a cash-grab the whole thing was. Really who hadn't seen STAR WARS at this point, and who here really thought they were making a better (if not even semi-competent) film? Evidently no one.

What a turkey.

Try and forget for a second that this film only got released in 1979! Personally, I'm 100% convinced that it was, in fact, George Lucas who totally ripped off this brilliantly plotted script and even shamelessly copied the costume designs and set pieces of this genuine Sci-Fi milestone to make his own insignificant and overrated – but perhaps slightly better marketed – "Star Wars"! Seriously, THIS should have been the Sci-Fi hype of the past century! This should have been the film that spawned numerous sequels, imitations, merchandising and millions of obsessive and nerdy fan-boys all over the world, damned!

Of all the blatant rip-off's that the Italians made during the late 70's/early 80's period – and the amount of them is really gigantic – "The Humanoid" is most likely the most blatant of them all. The intro scrolling over the screen at the beginning, the main villain wearing exactly the same helmet as Darth Vader (though with an S&M mask underneath) and the robot is R2D2 with a doggie makeover. Thank God they didn't do an imitation of C3PO! The Han Solo on duty is Richard "Jaws" Kiel and it's immediately stated clear why this guy should only play roles that are completely silent. Cult siren Barbara Bach plays an evil queen who needs the blood of young women to safeguard her beauty (nice little Countess Bathory sub plot, actually). She allies with Darth Vader number two and with an evil professor who's working on a new and indestructible type of cyber-warrior called The Humanoid. Who other than Richard Kiel would be the more ideal Humanoid prototype, so thus the evil threesome turn Golob's (that's his name) spaceship into confetti and he emerges from the lake again as their retarded minion. With his superhuman strength, Darth Vader number two can finally conquer the throne of Metropolis. How about that plot, huh? Actually, I'm not quite sure if my little summary is fully accurate, as I was too busy laughing most of the time. "The Humanoid" truly is God-awful but immeasurably entertaining exploitation trash that you simply cannot hate. The funniest thing is that this idiocy was actually made by an ensemble of people that should know better, like director Aldo Lado ("Who Can Kill a Child"), special effects supervisor Antonio Margheriti ("The Virgin of Nuremberg"), composer Ennio Morricone ("Once Upon a time in the West"), writer Adriano Bolzoni ("Your Vice is a Locked Room and only I have the Key") and lead actress Barbara Bach ("The Spy who Loved Me"). The special effects and costumes are tacky from the beginning, but the plot gradually grows even more imbecilic as we move along. The variant on the lightsabers are … lightarrows! The entire special effects team must have brainwashed for two whole days over the question: what other medieval piece of armory can we turn into a futuristic fantasy weapon without George Lucas suing us? "The Humanoid" is the purest form of entertainment, especially if you have the chance of watching it with some fellow trash fanatics and whilst under the influence of mild narcotics.

THE HUMANOID is one of the most entertaining movies ever made. Aldo Lado has supplied me with some of the most bizarre and twisted images you could never imagine. You know you're in for a treat when the main character is named Golob, played by a bearded Richard Kiel and he's got a robot-dog in his crappy spaceship. You somehow can't go wrong from there on.

The Tom Tom character is also doing his to make THE HUMANOID one of the ultimate Italian science fiction epics, beware his excellent wisdom. Barbara Bach and the gigantic Kiel was quite the team in the Seventies, and as always she's looking hot in this; "The story of Golob turning Unfriendly and Unstoppable". I love Golob and his dog, I wish to see more of them. Why weren't there any sequels?

Ahhh! The glory of Italian Cinema of the Seventies and Eighties continues. These directors and screenwriters seemed to have no limits in ripping off the Hollywood big-seller. There's still plenty of somewhat obscure masterpieces to be discovered, I'm glad I found this one.

With Aldo Lado (Night Train murders) directing, Antonio Margheretti (Cannibal Apocalypse) on special effects, Enzo Castellari (Bronx Warriors) as second unit director, and a Ennio Morricone soundtrack, you'd think The Humanoid would be the greatest Italian Star Wars rip-off ever made, but you'd be wrong. Because that's Starcrash.

This one seems to be handicapped due to the amount of talent behind the camera. It's all well and good, but where's the insanity? Apart from the last half hour there.

Story wise, we've got Ivan Rassimov (Last Cannibal World) as a guy who bought Darth Vader's helmet at a car boot sale wanting to get revenge on his big brother via Arthur Kennedy (from goat arse licking film The Antichrist), who wants to kills Barbara who is a teacher to Tom Tom, a sat nav provider with psychic powers. Arthur also keeps Barbara Bach (Street Law) alive and she's Ivan's missus or something.

On the good guy side, there's Leonard Mann and Richard Kiel. Now Richard seems to be a good guy with a robot dog when he's got a beard, but when Arthur Kennedy gets a hold of him and removes that beard, Richard gets a bit killy and starts wasting everyone. This goes on for quite a while I'm afraid and I was almost losing patience with the film at this point, but then Tom Tom turns up and who cares...

So eventually the film gets around to the big battle bit at the end which is more enjoyable than what went before it. Loads of explosions, robot arse gravy, decapitations and all that jazz. Look - it's on Youtube. If you like Italian sci-fi (a seemingly random genre for the usually dependant Italians) then just watch it...

Valentino Valentini is named in the credits, but I don't recall seeing him.

Also, Italian cinema is now like watching Dad's Army 20 years ago...it's a case of who's alive and who's not - Not alive in this film as of today - Richard Kiel, Arthur Kennedy, Ivan Rassimov....sigh