Gymkata

I met Kurt Thomas at a gymnastics even in 1992. First thing I said to him was "Gymkata?" It is probably not difficult to imagine the look that came over the poor man's face at that point.

But I love Gymkata. We used to watch it for its tremendous entertainment value as an all-time great "bad" movie. My own personal favorite parts are the pommel horse in the medieval lunatic asylum, the guy saying "there is some anti-American sentiment going around here" immediately before being shot with an arrow, and of course the "Yak-MALLA!" war cry of "Parmistan." Oh, yeah, the four or five repetitions of "Karabal, on the Caspian Sea" before the place is shown with just that as the caption on the screen.

Yak-MALLA indeed!

JP Marat L'Ami du Peuple

It's a rare film that actually attains the heights which it reaches for in a world so filled with really bad chop-socky flicks.

Which brings us to "Gymkata"... which succeeds in being the absolute WORST.

A shock, since it was directed by the same Clouse who gave the world "Enter the Dragon", Bruce Lee's signature film. But then, what can you expect in an action film that features Buck Kartalian?

The real star is Kurt Thomas, or at least that's what the credits say. But if every actor had as little talent as he, there would be no need for Lee Strasberg. Let's just say as an actor, Thomas makes a great gymnast.

Which is all this movie really calls for. Kurt plays a gymnast recruited by the CIA to help the good old US of A claim a distant land for their "Star Wars" military post. Great, we all think, until we realize Darth Vader won't be making an appearance.

But this also isn't a "Rambo"-style actioner - Kurt doesn't go in with machine guns and grenades, ready to blow this peace-loving country into submission. No, he is instead trained in the lethal art of gymkata, which consists of walking up a stairway using only your hands, carrying on a conversation with yourself with intermittent back-flips thrown in every so often and hoping and praying to God that wherever you fight there will be uneven bars, pummel horses and other gymnastic-looking pieces of architecture about.

Why all the training? BECAUSE, dear movie-lover, this aforementioned foreign country will only give its land over for military use to whichever nation's representative can finish a deadly kind of decathlon where everything from arrows, scimitars and the mentally-unbalanced are thrown at the competitors. Of course, with no other weaponry in evidence, it's shocking that Russia hadn't already claimed it. Heck, Australia could have shipped all their excess kangaroos over and kicked everyone into submission in less time than this movie takes.

Anyhoo, "Gymkata" is about as graceful as a doped-up rhinocerous and twice as intelligent. Of course, for entertainment value, there's always the Village of Crazies and Buck Kartalian playing the ruling Khan. Yes, the same Buck Kartalian who once played the lead in "Please Don't Eat my Mother", about a guy and his carnivorous plant (Buck played the guy).

And if you thought THAT movie was derivative....

No stars, no hope, no future and (please) no sequels for "Gymkata".

I understand there is also a 1978 movie called "Gymkata Killer". Well, there went the ONLY original thing about this movie - its title.

Looking like a bizarro MacGyver and armed with a deadly gymnastics/karate hybrid fighting style, real life gymnastics champ Kurt Thomas flips, kicks and spins his way though a host of vaguely ethnic baddies in the fictional nation of Parmistan. His mission; to win The Game, a deadly race through Ninja filled forests and a town full of crazed maniacs. If he wins, his prize is one wish, which he will use to allow the U.S. to place a satellite monitoring station in Parmistan to act as an early warning against a potential nuclear attack. Thankfully, there are plenty of uneven bars and pommel horses in Parmistan.

Maxim once voted 'Gymkata' the 17th worst film of all-time, but honestly it's pretty entertaining. The plot is beyond dumb and the acting is atrocious, but the fight scenes are a blast thanks to some creative choreography, the real life skills of Thomas and a director who knows the genre in Robert Clouse ('Enter the Dragon', 'Blackbelt Jones', 'The Big Brawl' and 'China O'Brien 1 & 2').

People love to rip on this camp classic, but I have probably seen this movie as many times as Star Wars. Johnathan Cabot(Kurt Thomas) is a swashbuckler like no other, and he has an uncanny knack for finding gymnastics equipment to do routines on and defend himself. The pommel horse in the village of the crazies is a perennial favorite, as is the horizontal bar in the middle of the town of Karabal, on the Caspian Sea.

Look for a cameo by the Where's the beef? lady in the village of the crazies, and a plot that is a convenient afterthought to the creation of a context where Thomas' gymnastics skills can be highlighted.

As if one bad movie about Gymnastics wasn't enough, Mitch Gaylord decided he'd give it a shot in American Anthem, which came out a year later.

Unfortunately, this Gem is not available on DVD.

-CNW

It's hard for me to explain in words the passion i have for this work. If you will imagine me thrusting my hands into a chalk bag and clapping them together - bursting an advancing white cloud into the air - but mentally - before i can begin to describe to you the unadulterated genius of Gymkata - then you may begin to fathom this...passion. A gymnastic Tour de Force for Thomas. Who doesn't loose themselves watching this and straddle their ottomon in Bruce Lee-like pantomime as Thomas "pommelhoarses" several battalians of earnest shedsmen?