Shark: Rosso nell'oceano

Italians movie-makers love to rip off American movies. All of our movies, and as often as possible.

I'm not stating that as a slur against Italy as a whole, but I would like to further observe that the Italian film industry does itself great harm by allowing travesties like this to go overseas to be seen by the world at large. That's all I'm saying.

And no more grave injury do the Italian people subject themselves to than by not sticking a harsh penalty upon those who made the world watch "Shark rosso nell'oceano" - which is, admittedly, a ripoff of the far-superior "Jaws" (as if you didn't know).

Let's dive into the plot (Get it? Haw-haw...): this huge monstrous swimming thing that looks like a cross between an octopus, a shark and Steven Tyler attacks many innocent Americans (ie: Italians) off the coast of Florida (ie: Italy) and the intrepid, beer-swilling Peter (Sopkiw) sails out with his anorexic, beer-swilling girlfriend and other beer-swilling people whose main purposes are to be eaten by the creature, killed by mysterious forces who want the creature left alone or just stand around and be otherwise useless (and swill beer)...or be the doctor in this film who defibrilates dying patients repeatedly (20, maybe 30 times in a row) without waiting for his paddles to recharge (must be one heck of a good battery there, doc).

Then there's the monster...brother, if you thought the "Jaws" shark was fake, look herein and have your mind changed IMMEDIATELY.

This is a movie that was directed as an afterthought (by a Bava!), edited with an onion chopper, acted by ambulatory (beer-swilling) pieces of driftwood and written by (PRESUMABLY beer-swilling) people who should never ever ever ever be let near a typewriter, movie studio or major city in the world ever again. If this is how the people who made this film think real people act in such a situation, they've obviously made one too many of them zombie movies. Or swilled too much beer.

Need I say this movie is bad? It is: bad like green cottage cheese; bad like a Hawaiian shirt at a formal wedding; bad like the "Bad Theatre" skits Dan Aykroyd used to host on "Saturday Night Live"; bad like Calista Flockhart Weight Gain Tablets - get it? Good.

Mike and the SOL gang slap this beer-drunk beauty upside the head repeatedly and reveal this "horror" film as what it is: horrible. Though, with a certain European charm: it's charming, when watched by a European - preferably a beer-swilling one.

No stars for the waterlogged, dead fish known as "Shark rosso nell'oceano"; six stars for the MST3K version. ...and now, anyone for a beer?

Moderate Italian killer-fish saga concerning a genetically created shark-squid thing munching on various extras and the marine biologists who go after it. Not enough excitement to keep things afloat plus some bad continuity (watch for the scene where a fleeing woman is tripped by the creature and her handy axe flies overboard, in the next shot it's a couple of inches away from her...) Not the horrible mess it's been made out to be, but simply boring.

It's a poorly edited film with lots of loose ends and plots that go nowhere. A hit-man character would be better off cut, if not for the scene where he strips an informer naked and throws her into the bathtub with an on hairdryer. There is some more hardcore horror with bit-off limbs and a decapitation where the man's body is inside the fish.

It's the popular view to think of the fish itself as being cheap looking. I disagree. It's pretty lifelike for an 80's rubber monster effect and a lot more enjoyable to me than the video game styled fish in 'The Phantom Menace'.

The monstrous star of 2010 CGI creature-feature Sharktopus is (rather obviously) half-shark-half-octopus, which probably sounds like a fairly unique concept unless you've been unfortunate enough to experience Monster Shark, Lamberto Bava's god-awful movie from 1984, which also features this particular genetic mash-up. Italian horror film-makers are renowned for following US trends, but for once it seems like they actually got there first (and by a whole 26 years).

Don't expect much else in the way of originality from Bava, though: strip away a poorly developed subplot about a shady geneticist out to protect the vicious sea-creature and what you have is just another in a long line of uninspired low-budget Jaws rip-offs, terribly acted, poorly directed, and much more likely to bore than to horrify.

Admittedly, the incredibly bad monster does provide some unintentional giggles, and supplies the film with a few moments of shoddy gore as it chomps down on its prey, and Bava throws in a couple of enjoyably exploitative scenes in which a murderous hired thug (played with gleeful menace by Paul Branco) bumps off a few defenceless victims, but these 'high' points are few and far between; for the majority of the time, Monster Shark is a dull, derivative mess.

This movie brings up many question that may plague generations to come. Such as: Did a seven year old edit this movie? What makes the electrician so appealing to two woman? Why did the ultra-skinny dolphin lady seem attractive to Electrician and Beer-Drinking Euro-Tantrum Guy? Why did the US Coast Guard agree to let their helicopters be used in this drek? At least in the MST3K version, we learned that Devil Fish comes with a side of Satanic string beans and Deep-Lucifered potatoes, and that you shouldn't make fun of Blowie the dolphin! If you see this movie anywhere, run! Far, far away!