Deathstalker

Woosh…! Man… What can I say...?

The opening-scene, maybe? We see a bunch of mongoloid-barbarians with bad make-up jump off the walls of some ruins. They sneak around and attack some dude with a scantily clothed captive girl. The dude runs off, the mongoloids follow him and one of them stays behind seemingly to rape the girl, but instead he exposes one of her breasts and kidnaps her. Then, the dude (still on the run) sees a horse and tries to steal it. Suddenly… a blond god-like looking hero with a bad wig appears, saying "That's my horse!". The Mighty Deathstalker just made his appearance. The mongoloids arrive, Deathstalker kills all of them (including the dude) on the tunes of some rather inappropriate Mexicanos western score (this is supposed to be a Swords & Sorcery flick, so what's with the 'arriba-trompettos'?), and then goes up to Captive Girl and exposes both her breasts. He starts to rub them and Captive Girl seems to like it. She starts liking her lips and caressing Deathstalker. Just when they are about to get down to it, this old dude appears, interrupting what could have been the end of a perfect day for Deathstalker (and a possible perfect ending for a short-film).

Now tell me… Isn't that the point where either a feminist would angrily switch off the movie, or any other male viewer would say "This is going to be one hell of a good movie!" The plot is as simple as throwing a kitten from the balcony: Deathstalker must obtain the Sword of Justice and use it to steal the Amulet of Life and the Chalice of Magic from the evil sorcerer Munkar.

Aside from decapitations, dismemberment, random bloodshed, retarded fist fights and embarrassing sword fights, this film also contains a massive amount of t!ts & a$$ shots. I initially wanted to add one extra point to this movie for each gratuitous shot of naked boobies I could count. After 9 points (not even halfway into the movie), I had to give up counting. It was distracting me from the rest of the movie. And the rest of the movie was worth it. Totally crazy stuff. Check out this mutant cat/worm-like creature Munkar has as a pet and which he feeds eyeballs and fingers. And here's an interesting question: What would you do if a man in a woman's body would enter your bedroom and try to kill you with a knife? The answer is simple: You slap him around a bit, take away the knife and then try to rape him. Then you discover that he's actually not a woman, so you throw him out of your bed and tell him to leave your room. It works out well, I tell you. Deathstalker does it too, and the Deathstalker-way, is the right way!

DEATHSTALKER is a wonderful movie, really, as pointed out in other comments. The villains are vile. The women are delicious. There's blood, sex, violence, rape and tasty chicken. There's a completely pointless tournament which just features a bunch of barbarians beating, slashing and hacking the crap out of each other. My favorite weapon used in that tournament was a giant wooden hammer, used to beat a poor contender to bloody pulp. And my favorite contender undoubtedly was that one brute with the Warthog-head (reminiscent of the Gamorrean Guards from RETURN OF THE JEDI). I won't reveal how the movie ends, but just prepare to ravish in delight when I tell you a 4-way dismemberment is thrown into the movie's climax.

And of course, there's a wonderful display of ineptitude throughout the whole movie. See a guy being dragged behind a horse over a dirt road, and the next point-of-view shot shows him being dragged over grass (no road). See that awesome tattoo on the sorcerer's head magically change sides within the same scene (on shot has it on the left side of his head, the other on the right). Well, after all, Munkar is a magician. It's that, or this movie was shot in an alternate universe where things like "continuity" simply don't exist.

As much as I enjoyed this and as much as I am looking forward to the other 3 installments in this series, I do have enough shreds of decency left in me to not let this movie pass. I am prepared, though, to give it the maximum amount of minimal points, just so I could be able to deduct a couple of more points for the possibly inferior sequels to follow. DEATHSTALKER might be a superbly fun, trashy & sleazy CONAN rip-off, it also is an abominable movie.

This is the first of four movies (so far) to feature the hero/barbarian/rogue character of Deathstalker.

Now when you think of heroes in the Sword & Sorcery genre, they often have, shall we say, somewhat loose morals.....fair enough, as the films are often set in the dark ages or even earlier and we could therefore theoretically suppose that chivalry, at least as we know it today was not exactly in place back then (for that matter does it exist now?!) However, having said this, the heroes do still tend to be basically amiable chaps who adhere to some form of justice and honour.

Take Dar from The Beastmaster for instance, he seems like a really decent chap in fact (as long as you don't get on the wrong side of him - in which case he'd probably slice you in twain!)

The case of the eponymous Deathstalker is rather different however, for here we have a 'hero' who's immoral actions (particularly against women) give the main villain of the film a good run for his money! Yes, it has to be said that in the annals of cinematic good guys, Deathstalker (at least as portrayed in this entry in the series) will hardly be winning any accolades for his chivalry!

Aside from the somewhat unlikeable hero, the film itself starts off in a decidedly disjointed manner.

In fact, the first half of the film is filled with a series of scenes that make very little sense whatsoever! For instance one particularly stupid, pointless scene set in a cave from which our hero must retrieve a magical sword, left my jaw agape at just how ridiculous it was!

Thankfully, the second half of the movie is much better and features some rather exciting fight scenes as our hero battles it out in a gladiatorial contest. There is also a fair amount of gore on display here to, a factor which always ups the enjoyment value in these type of films.

Another positive for the movie (at least from a red blooded males perspective) is the copious amount of nudity displayed by the female cast in this. Hardly a minute seems to go by without a beautiful woman baring her breasts (all in the most gratuitous manner of course!)

Overall then, whilst this film isn't likely to be remembered as a milestone in cinematic history, it does have a few of it's own (B-movie) merits and is certainly not a bad way to spend an hour and a half or so, on perhaps a lazy night in.

If you take this as a fantasy, you'll probably be disappointed: it's as second-grade as they come, with a total blank for a hero and plenty of chaotically staged swordfights. But if you take it as a soft-porn film, you may be more pleased; there is a stimulating (if brief) sex scene midway through, and abundant nudity throughout, though only the beautiful Lana Clarkson escapes the film's depraved attitude toward women. Anyway, the film certainly isn't as bad as the two Ferrigno "Hercules" movies.....(*1/2)

This movie is packed with everything you would expect in a sword and sorcery film(except explicit sex)!

There are twenty-five breast shots, twenty-seven butt shots, six sword fights, fifteen impalings, two amputations, one arrow in the neck, three beheadings, on horse dragging, one eye-candy, one finger food, one mud wrestle, one pig face, one magical trans sexual operation, two bitch slappings, one crotch stabbing, one head smashing, and one draw and quartering.

It doesn't get much better than this!

WOW ! If there ever was such a thing called a "guy movie" this is it. Deathstalker is one of few films that includes sword fighting, nudity, mud wrestling, full frontal nudity, and mid evil characters that talk like they're from New Jersey! You got to love it. Take my advice and rent this flick, buy a six pack and a pizza and lock the doors. This is one worth watching if you just broke up with your girl friend.