I Married a Vampire

My review was written in March 1988 after watching the movie on Prism video cassette.

"I Married a Vampir" is another student-type film released by the Troma Team, or at least sent to the marketplace. Originally a 16mm effort shot in Boston by Jay Raskin five years ago, pic got a blowup and token theatrical release in 1986 ahead of home video status.

Title is somewhat misleading, as pic is a throwback to the '60s inide feature movement, a rites-of-passage tale about young Viola (Rachel Golden) who goes to the big city (Boston) to make it on her own. Her boring and trite tribulations are delineated in detail: cheated by a real estate agent, swindled by a lawyer and ripped off by a religious cult. She's even raped (off-screen) by a businessman who then gets her a job working as a washerwoman.

Upshot is that her best friend introduces her to her brother Robespierre (dedpan Brendan Hickey) who is a 100-year-old-plus vampire. He helps her get revenge on all her tormentors and they marry, celebrating by attendng a screening of Carl Th. Dreyer's "Vampyr".

Bookending cover sotry has Viola telling her just-arrived parents the dreary tale and then taking them home to meet hubby -cue the off-camera screams.

Pic has a vanity production look with acting to match, though Viola's kleptomaniac friend Portia is a promising turn by actress Temple Aaron.

Farm girl Viola (Rachel Golden) does indeed marry a vampire, but it's not until the film is almost over. The bulk of this very cheap piece of horror/comedy crap follows the young woman as she acclimatises to life in the big city, with all manner of low-life opportunists taking advantage of her amiable nature.

Since the cast of I Married a Vampire comprises of amateur actors unable to deliver a convincing line (for most of the main cast, this appears to be their only movie), and the direction by Jay Raskin is very noticeably entry-level, it all makes for extremely dull viewing. Even after the vampire (Brendan Hickey) makes his appearance, and helps Viola to take revenge on those who have wronged her, the film remains a total bore: slow, uneventful and likely to induce sleep. I zoned out a few times and had to rewind to see what I missed (as it happens, not much).

I Married a Vampire was filmed in 1983 but didn't see the light of day until 1987; I'm surprised that anyone saw fit to release it at all.

1.5/10, rounded down to 1 for having the audacity to let a guinea pig stand in for a rat, as if we wouldn't notice.

I really liked this movie. In fact, I own a copy. I know some people are put off by the low budget-ness of this film, but if you can overlook that it is a lot of fun. It's great for vampire film fans because it's not the usual story line. Think of it more as a dark comedy than a drama.

A vampire movie from Troma? I thought I was in for a treat, but this is one of the most boring movies I have ever seen. Bad acting, hardly any plot and no gore at all. I know that movies from Troma are supposed to be trashy, but this was plain and simple garbage. Avoid at all cost!