- Mrs. Monahan: You pollute the air with your smoking. You reek of liquor and god knows what else. You're an ecological menace!
- Monty: Yeah, well you were the inspiration for twin beds!
- Saleslady: May I help you
- Monty: No, we're just browsing
- Saleslady: How long do you intend to browse
- Monty: that lady over there, You didn't ask her how long she's going to browse.
- Saleslady: You don't look like browsers
- Nicky: Yeah, what do browsers look like.
- Monty: Yeah, maybe I'm half browser.
- Nicky: Yeah, on his mother's side.
- Blanche Genaro: Look at him, he's such a beautiful boy! He's got my eyes!
- John Genaro: And he's got my nose!
- Monty: Yeah, and my sympathy.
- Nicky: [Belinda Capuletti playing violin] What is that? Mozart?
- Belinda Capuletti: Scales.
- Nicky: Never heard of him.
- Monty: [During the photo shoot of Anthony the fat little kid on the rocking horse. He's out of control hitting Monty with a rubber bat, screaming and yelling] I'm tired of telling you the same thing. Kid ya gotta stay quiet... quiet now. Talk to him will ya. Be quiet will ya? Blanche, John, Grandma talk to him will ya? Stay quiet! Be quiet will ya... somebody will ya shut the fat little bastard up!
- Dr. Vindaldo: [In the hospital room, commenting on Monty's bullet wound in his rear end] He was hit in the fleshy area of the gluteus maximus...
- Monty: Ah, you're wrong! He got me in the ass!
- Clive Barlow: Bartender I'll have a Perier with a twist
- Louie the Bartender: I'm sorry I only have it on Draft
- Blanche Genaro: [During the photo shoot of Anthony the fat little kid on the rocking horse] We want some wallet size pictures too.
- Monty: This kid wouldn't fit in a wallet size
- Monty: [Addressing the stuffy saleslady in the Monahan's antique shop, the "Odds and Ends" department.] Hey lady, if I buy two Odds will you show us your End?
- fat anthony's grand mother: Montey, did you ever see a face like this.
- Monty: No. If I did I'd remember it.
- Belinda Capuletti: Someday I'll be out of you're life.
- Monty: Yeah, well for now get out of the bathroom.
- Monty: [Discovers a neighbor is letting his Doberman crap in Monty's yard] Hey, King! Not here! Not here! Why don't you take him on your property, huh?
- Bill Jones: Hey take it easy. You interrupt King's business, he get's very upset.
- Monty: Yeah, what makes you think I want to inherit the business?
- Nicky: Do you have any mens shirts for men?
- Monahan's Clerk: Have you tried the Army/Navy store?
- Monty: Ha ha ha very funny. One more word outta you and he gets it all right
- [pointing to the bald manikin]
- Monty: Why dont you two put your heads together and make an ass outta yourselves.
- [refering to the manikin again]
- Monty: [Nicky and Monty while browsing in Monahan's Antique shop. Monty picks a sculpture of a couple of flying ducks] Hey... ducks in heat.
- Allison Capuletti: [on their wedding night] What do you want from me, Julio? Try to understand. I keep hearing my father say, "Don't."
- Julio: He meant BEFORE you were married.
- Allison Capuletti: I'm not so sure. You don't know my father.
- Allison Capuletti: [as Monty is walking her down the aisle during her wedding ceremony] He's everything I ever wanted.
- Monty: You don't ask for much do you?
- Rose Capuletti: All I ever wanted was a happy family. That's all I ever asked for: a happy family. A family that loved each other. I never cared about anything else!
- Monty: Stop it, will ya'? I can't take it no more!
- Monty: [continues, looking frustrated and upset] Money caused all this. I don't wanna' be rich. We're not *supposed* to be rich. We don't look rich. We don't talk rich. We don't smell rich. No more rich!
- Nicky: Ho! can sombody help us here?
- Man behind the counter at Monahans: [bald man pops up from behind the counter] I dont think so
- Monty: [talking to the bald manikin] I tell you my friend here
- [stops and looks at the man behind the counter]
- Monty: I tell you my friend here is looking for a shirt.
- Nicky: Yeah something in a dark black?
- fat anthony's grand mother: [During the photo shoot of Anthony the fat little kid on the rocking horse] Did you ever see a face like that before?
- Monty: No, if I did I'd remember it.