- Mr. Burroughs: Government control, Jonathan, is anathema to the free-enterprise system. Any intelligent person knows you cannot interfere with the laws of supply and demand.
- Jonathan: I see your point, sir. That's the reason why I'm not for tariffs.
- Mr. Burroughs: Right. No, wrong! You gotta have tariffs, son. How you gonna compete with the damn foreigners? Gotta have tariffs.
- Mr. Bernhardt: I usually have at least a month, before I am faced with students in women's underwear or an artists rendering of my persona dangling from the rafters. And we're only in the first week. It's frightening to imagine what could happen by Christmas, isn't it?
- Jonathan: I'm sorry. It was a lousy thing to do. But I was just so humiliated I just had to kill myself.
- Mr. Bernhardt: Well, Mr. Burroughs, you and your dance committee have really made an indelible impression on our sister school. Especially you, Mr. Ogner. Not only are you forbidden to attend the Halloween dance, but you are the first student in the history of Vernon academy ever to be banned from Foxfield until, and I quote, "The day you die.".
- Skip: Worriest thou not about being banished for ever from the Foxfield school for girls, for yea, thought they are the only females within a 100 miles, there is still a place where thou canst journey to. Chicago, on the nine o'clock bus.
- Jonathan: Hey, I got it, I'll drop dead. Wouldn't that be nice, huh? I could shoot myself. No, you shoot me and mount my head on the wall next to the moose. You could stretch the panties between my ears. Come on, you'd love that.
- Skip: Actually, I think my parents have a pretty normal relationship. He tells her exactly what to do, and she ignores him.
- Ellen: You don't know anything about me. You don't know anything about my life. When I first saw you in that bar... you were pathetic. You were a sympathy fuck.
- Skip: That son of a bitch got away with everything that I had. And I was so scared that I shit my pants.
- Mr. Bernhardt: Is this meant to amuse me, Mr Burroughs? Why don't you stop by my office about 8 in the morning. To give you time to think about what you've done and to give me time to think about what I'm going to do. Oh, and, um... please invite your "dead" roommate.
- Skip: Next time you're feelin' sad and blue, don't expect old Skipper here to put on his big red nose and floppy shoes just pour vous. Adios? Mr Morose.
- Mrs. Delowie: I know we're supposed to give our full co-operation to this stupid and pointless investigation. But when they interrupt one of my classes, it pisses me off.
- Prep Student #2: It's the weenie in the bikini!
- Prep Student #1: I'm gettin' a gigantic soft-on!
- Prep Student #3: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the lovely April Pussy.
- Jonathan: If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna find a very tall building, with a fabulous view, and jump off.
- Skip: Take this ticket. Go to Rush Street, the Free N Easy Club. And you will meet the girl of your dreams. If she ain't there, take what you can get. Grab a cab, take her to Grey's Lake Inn. And there you will plant your seed in the Garden of Eden. Here's 100 bucks.
- Jonathan: Uh - this is an elevator.
- Ellen: Really? I love elevators. I think they're just wonderful. I *love* the way they go up - and down. Do you?
- Jonathan: Oh, yeah. I think it's great.
- Ellen: Which do you prefer? Going up? Or, going down?
- Jonathan: Um - up. Up is fine.
- Ellen: Really? I think going down is much more exciting.
- Jonathan: Well, yeah, now that you mention it, down is, eh...
- Ellen: Of course, going up - can be a thrill. It depends.
- [unzips Jonathan's pants]
- Jonathan: That's what I think. Yeah, up is - down is...
- Mr. Burroughs: Jonathan?
- Jonathan: Yes, sir?
- Mr. Burroughs: Evidently you and I have something in common. Can you guess what that might be?