Uccidete Mister Mitchell

Awful. Gloriously, fabulously awful. My-my-my-my goodness this was a piece of work... If the hideousness of this movie had been intentional, I doubt it would be so amazingly funny. I laughed so hard I almost passed out. What I wouldn't give for "Mitchell 2: the Geritol Years."

What a wonderful episode of MST3K. What a horrible, horrible movie. In the context of his later effort, "Final Justice," Joe Don Baker turned in the same wooden, devil-may-care-and-I-certainly-don't performance in the two movies. There is a difference, however. "Final Justice" did not feature the noticeably large Joe Don in bed with Linda Evans and a bottle of baby oil. Whoever thought Joe Don was a sex symbol needed to be hung from a particularly sensitive part of the anatomy.

It is disgusting to note that in the un-MSTed (and thus, unedited) version, we are treated to the sight of Joe Don on the phone with someone, I forget exactly whom, and Linda Evans' head in the vicinity of Joe Don's groin (the one redeeming characteristic is that whatever is going on is obscured by the bed). Needless to say, I have been traumatized for life.

In conclusion, do NOT watch this movie unless you have the cast of MST helping you out. If you do, prepare for deep hurting.

Unlike Hunter Felt, I don't think Baker, Balsam (an Oscar winner for "A Thousand Clowns"), Evans, and Saxon are a second-rate cast. But this movie was so bad it got thoroughly and hilariously skewered by "Mystery Science Theater 3000", which was the version I watched. (Example: "Hey, Alan Gibbs played the Mustang Hood!" "Yeah? Who played the headlights?") If you never saw a car fix itself in the middle of a chase scene, you might want to watch this late one night after getting really drunk.

While this film is undeniably bad, one can't help but respect the filmmakers for trying something new. Movie cops are usually strong, resourceful, quick-thinking and quick-acting. They don't usually play by the rules, but they get the job done. They're usually played by attractive, young, popular actors that people like, and usually get the classiest ladies. Now, take a look at MITCHELL. MITCHELL stars Joe Don Baker as Mitchell, a cop who fits none of the above, "cookie-cutter" prerequisite stereotypes. Mitchell is fat. Mitchell is sloppy. He's an alcoholic. His apartment is filthy and littered with porn. The only woman he can get is a prostitute, and he treats her like a lowly dog. Mitchell is stupid. He's incompetant. The only way he gets any crimes solved is purely by accident, and because the villains in the movie overestimate him. Joe Don Baker is not a hot young actor. He's not popular and he's not good looking. So, kudos to the filmmakers! Way to break down barriers.

"Mitchell"...oh boy, that was weird to watch. In a bizarre way it fulfilled all my expectations as being a bad film. I was searching for something like that after a successful stream of good projects coming my way, not to mention I was curious in seeing the great character actor Joe Don Baker as a leading man. But the reality of "Mitchell" was far beyond any possible expectation; the outcome seen was a manageable disaster that didn't claim lives but managed to destroy a few brain cells on the way. It's so bad that it's good (for brief moments) and it gets a few laughs from the audience even though this isn't a comedy...but it's extremely hard to take it seriously. For the most part, it's just a troubled and boring wreck, and thanks to MST3K which made this a cult hilarious flick that we can enjoy some of its lousiness.

Baker plays the title role, a reckless and sleazy detective obsessed with two on-going investigations: one which revolves heroin dealers and other about a rich guy (John Saxon) who killed a burglar in his house. Obvious even to the clueless viewers that apparently those two actions are connected in some way. Mitchell tries to act like Dirty Harry (there's even a similar sequence when he shoots a running suspect on his knee) but doesn't have the same bite. He's too weak for it. He's drunk, clumsy and falls for the slightest possible weakness and that is when a prostitute is thrown on his lap, paid by the people he's investigating - which delivers the funniest scene of the film, a sex scene with an idiotic and funny theme song about his character. As I write this, that song still echoes in my head (My, my, my Mitchell...).

Trying to establish why "Mitchell" fails in so many levels is a difficult task and one that wouldn't fit in the limited lines we're allowed in here. It's just too much. While the few action sequences are actually interesting to watch (problem is that they always revolves around car chases, except the opening with the burglar), the rest of the film, the investigations, lame sex scenes that doesn't add anything to the film and the cringing dialogue with the kid on the street...they just don't work. And don't get me started with the dialogues between Mitchell and Martin Balsam character (whom is there to help the detective with his heroin case), which dragged on and on. I wasn't amused nor thrilled, just waiting for the "climatic" ending because the ridicule was going for far too long. No wonder that the writer only developed TV scripts after this wreck, making of this film his only theatrical screenplay.

What amazes the most in "Mitchell" is that the acting isn't all that bad as the writing. Sure, the cast was forced to deliver some of the weirdest lines of all in their whole careers, execute actions and thoughts in one of the worst projects of all time, but I think their acting isn't so atrocious as expected. Baker was in fact a good lead, in some ways I liked the character and for a brief moment when this thing wasn't so cheesy, it could actually render him a nice film series. He has charisma, some humor, plays a hard character that has some vulnerabilities but at the end of the day manages to do his job despite some unorthodox methods and his sloppy ways of acting - I've never seen a "hero" running away from trouble so many times like he does. Balsam, Saxon and others weren't so bad either. The problem stays with the script, which offers us poor dialogues, strange and unworthy of attention sequences, a waste of our time. But whatever, the damage wasn't so terrible because I've seen a lot worse and MST3K's observation of this "film" was so great that for a moment we can all say that celluloid wasn't so wasted after all. Their watching and comments on it are some of the most amusing, hilarious and relevant moments in the entertainment. It speaks volumes on this film and a lot more humored and better than most film criticisms I've ever seen ("Mittens?!?" Joe Don Baker is "Mittens"; Ooh, it's "Mitchell", the Martha Mitchell story. Joe Don Baker IS "Martha Mitchell"), not to mention the loads of references they throw on it from Johnny Mathis, "Fame" to Pink Floyd. Their version (slightly censored though) deserves a higher praise; the original "Mitchell" alone gets some note with me. It wasn't that bad though it made me feel ill for some time. And yes, this movie makes "Driving Miss Daisy" looks like "Bullitt". 3/10