Professoressa facciamo l'amore

One of the handful of pictures made by Hikmet Avedis, a classifiable low-budget director of not-quite schlock and drive-in flicks, The Teacher is ostensibly about a 28 year old teacher (lovely Angel Tompkins)- the hottie of the town without a husband as he's a drifter/biker somewheres- who bonds with the shy 18 year old former student neighbor (1/2 dimensional Jay North) and start up a passionate affair. This part of the story is basically more or less just a Penthouse letter extended to feature length (and, oddly enough for a drive-in flick, the amount of sex is actually shown to a minimum, above the belt as it were). What makes it just a little bit more interesting, if also insane, is the character Ralph (crazy-eyed Anthony James), who comes off like a 2nd string James Bond villain missing a couple of acting classes.

He's weird and a snoop, with an obsession with Diane holding a torch for her unofficially while also trying to hunt down Sean after the death of his younger brother. It seems stranger still why Ralph would be so distraught over his brother's death when all Ralph seems to do is sit in his warehouse by the harbor, take out a pair of binoculars from his coffin (which comes out of the mysterious hearse he drives around) which also has a rifle. But he's a villain nonetheless, creeping up at pretty much any instance Sean and Diane are out, or even while they're on her boat making love as he creeps up like a Z-grade Aquaman.

If nothing else his ridiculous performance of an even sillier, deranged cat makes it watchable, when all else is just kind of mundane romance (North especially can barely act his way out of a paper bag, at least Tompkins has her sex appeal). It's nothing very special, or memorable, but if the title ever came up in conversation it would be fun to wax poetic about Anthony James as Ralph, or to contemplate the ways it could make a decent self-made MST3K feature.

For thirty-three years I'd been jonesing to see THE TEACHER, grindhouse auteur Hikmet Avedis' homage to THE GRADUATE, which somehow eluded me during its original Times Square run. Blessed is the patient schlock film fan, for his forbearance shall be rewarded. Thanks to the miracle of DVD and the munificence of BCI Eclipse, I finally caught up with this much-touted jewel in the Crown International catalog, and am pleased to report that it was all that and a bag of Swavorski rhinestones. Like its contemporary, THE GODFATHER: PART II, THE TEACHER is daring in its narrative structure. Unlike the Coppola film it's also ludicrous in the extreme, but then you can't have everything. Part leering soft-core romp, part tender coming-of-age drama, part stalk-and-chill suspenser, the movie's mismatched ingredients come together to form a blissfully surreal, silly whole.

The cast list alone makes it deserving of enshrinement in the Psychotronic Hall of Fame.

First and foremost, there's top-billed and bottom-perfect Angel Tompkins as a middle schooler's fantasy come to life, the hubba hubba homeroom teacher who just happens to be freshly divorced, hot to trot, and living right down the block. Charming and sensitive, Tompkins gives a performance that goes above and beyond the call of booty. She invests the role with such persuasive passion that one can almost believe her attraction to a most unlikely lust object: Jay North, the actor formerly known as Dennis the Menace, age twenty-two, sporting a double chin, a perpetual smirk, a Little Lord Fauntleroy page boy, and no discernible acting talent. To his credit, North is in the moment and then some during several graphic clinches with Angel.

Mr. Wilson would have been aghast. Or green with envy. I was both.

The call sheet also includes such bizarro world superstars as Med Flory (Worshefski, the bullying football player, in THE NUTTY PROFESSOR) as North's bullying father, Barry "Janos Skorzeny" Atwater as a snoopy sheriff, BURNT OFFERING's Anthony James as a psycho stalker, and in WTF-writ large cameos, Katherine "Mother of John" Cassevetes and Lady "Mother of Gena" Rowlands as a pair of chattering restaurant patrons.

After his last day in a Southern California high school, shyly cute virgin Jay North (as Sean Roberts) goes out with a friend to spy on beautifully-figured Angel Tompkins (as Diane Marshall). Also watching the topless young teacher is psychotic Anthony James (as Ralph Gordon). The sleazy-looking stalker is in love with Ms. Tompkins. They (and we) get to see Tompkins rubbing her naked upper body with suntan lotion. Then, a tragic accident occurs as North's friend falls off a warehouse tower. The luckless lad is also the little brother of Mr. James, who blames North for the incident. Tompkins, who is no longer North's teacher, seduces him. This makes James jealous...

The three main characters proceed through the story without rhyme or reason. Considering how haphazardly writer-director Howard Avedis presents the action; they often appear, understandably, lost. The main reason to watch is seeing Tompkins topless. She's never convincing as a teacher or "older woman," but the show stops every time Tomkins takes her shirt off. Her upturned assets are highly appealing. North gets bits of genuine acting in here and there, but it's an aimless effort. Far from his famous "Dennis the Menace" role, North appears to enjoy himself as an "R-rated" movie star. Inexplicably popping in and out, James suffers most from the production's overall weaknesses.

***** The Teacher (5/29/74) Howard Avedis ~ Angel Tompkins, Jay North, Anthony James, Marlene Schmidt

"The Teacher" has been sitting in my film collection for several years now, as part of the "Drive-In Cult Classics" box, but I was never in a particular hurry to see it. That is until I watched a joyous 80s flick named "They're Playing with Fire" a couple of days ago and learned that it was a remake of this film, and by the same director Howard Avedis. Since the 80s version was so much fun, and simply because I don't like the idea of having seen a remake but not the original, "The Teacher" received some priority.

For the record, though, they are quite different movies. Both do indeed revolve around an incredibly hot female teacher in her late twenties seducing one her clueless senior year students, but that's where the similarity ends. "They're Playing with Fire" has a convoluted plot in which the teacher has a sneaky reason to manipulate her boy-toy, and there's a psychotic killer roaming around. "The Teacher" is much simpler since there's only one pervy stalker. Certain sequences are identical, though, like when the confident teachers ask their shy young lovers to kiss them for the first time. And, it must be underlined, writer/director Avedis has a great talent for casting the ideal cougar-teachers! Angel "my-first-name-is-accurate" Thompson was one of the finest exploitation starlets of the 70s, and Sybil Danning is the ultimate queen of the 80s.

Thompson is also the only real reason to recommend "The Teacher" to fans of exploitation cinema. The story is rather tame, and the amount of action is minimal, hence the highlights include - shallow as it may be - Angel sunbathing topless on a boat, or Angel undressing for the nervous kid. I kept waiting for a twist about why the beautiful woman messes around with her student's feelings, but apparently the script wants us to believe she's genuinely in love with him. That's not exactly ethical of you, Mrs. Marshall, but okay. The sub plots of the accidental death of Sean's friend and the crazy stalker lead nowhere. Apart from staring viciously and popping out of nowhere, Anthony James doesn't have much to do. Let's file this under "watchable but unmemorable".

A hot-looking female teacher seduces a student while a psycho stalks them. In a plot that is not grounded in reality, the most implausible element is that this beautiful teacher practically throws herself at the doofus student but he avoids her like a scared puppy. Former child star North is terrible as the clueless student. Tompkins, a B-movie actress of the 1970s, is gorgeous and sexy as the "older" woman trying to impart carnal knowledge. She also gives a pretty good performance and is the main reason for watching this low-budget film. James is creepy as the psycho, but serves more as comic relief than as a scary villain.