I sette aghi d'oro

Joe Don Baker headlines in this Robert Clouse directed, minorly interesting tale concerning the hunt for a priceless golden statue that reveals the hidden acupuncture points that will when stimulated, rejuvenate any man into a super stud! Well it's certainly an intriguing plot device to be sure but the film itself is a sadly decidedly minor effort and is furthermore, mostly unengaging throughout.

Although fans of Jim Kelly may initially scramble to get hold of this to see the great man in action, I should warn you all that he actually hardly features in this and only gets to show off some of his skills in one sequence (which is decidedly badly staged I might hastily add at that).

Still to be fair, having stated the above negative points the film does have a rather good final twenty or so minutes and features a rather exciting chase sequence wherein our hero is pursued through narrow streets by an angry mob who are baying for his blood.

Certainly not one of director Clouse's finest moments (nor it's stars for that matter) but may just about merit a watch if you are a Clouse completest.

Note: I've got to commend the casting of the beautiful Frances Fong as Shu Lin - although not a great actress by any stretch of the imagination, her stunning beauty absolutely shines like a diamond in every single scene she appears in.

Director Robert Clouse's career has been overshadowed by 1973's "Enter the Dragon" which was in part, an attempt to incorporate elements of Chinese and Hong Kong cinema into the American formula. Some two decades before John Woo et.al made the leap to Hollywood, producer Raymond Chow (head of Golden Harvest) teamed with Clouse many times in the 1970s, repeatedly spiking cross-cultural martial arts and detective actioners. "Golden Needles" was another such attempt to fuse American and Hong Kong action film conventions: this film being a comedic, actionful, fantasy version of the classic "Maltese Falcon". Joe Don Baker starred as an American in Hong Kong, who for a favour and a price, attempts to track down a priceless idol. This idol is one of the strangest McGuffins in the movies: it is pierced by needles in a specific pattern, and if the acupuncture is performed on a man, in the same pattern as marked on the idol, renewed sexual vigour results. Thus, it is sought after by all manner of older men (including Burgess Meredith in one of his funniest roles). Whilst meant as entertainment, the film succeeds also as one of the strangest treatments of the theme of drug addiction so prevalent in 70s American film, and even Clouse's other work (especially "The Amsterdam Kill"). Boistered by an excellent, comical, music score by Lalo Schifrin, featuring piercing sounds to mimic the acupuncture motif, the film is an immensely enjoyable generic hybrid, free from pretension, and a shining example of B-movie pleasures. Self-consciously, and never heavy-handedly, Clouse uses the genre conventions to frame a study of the US cultural appropriation of foreign practices (the Asian connection being the supplier of heroin ironically enough). Progressively weirder and with a protagonist whose easy-going sense of adventure becomes ever more sobering as he proceeds, this film is a true oddity, and all the better for it. Clouse's handling serves as a neat reminder of the time when he was still an innovator in B-movies, instead of the mere imitator he had become by the beginning of the 1980s.

Despite bringing together a newly-born film star – Joe Don Baker, fresh from the box-office smash, WALKING TALL (1973) – and action director – Robert Clouse, of ENTER THE DRAGON (1973) fame – this a lamentably lackluster martial arts flick about the search for (or rather the chase after) a bronze statue which contains seven golden all-curing acupuncture needles which is craved by various parties.

Baker is a retired detective slumming it out in Hong Kong who is hired by an enterprising ‘cowgirl’ (Elizabeth Ashley) to look for the titular commodities on behalf of her mysterious employer. Baker comes in possession of the statue early on in the game but it is subsequently stolen from the house of an old Asian teacher of his who is murdered; consequently, he teams up with his colored partner Jim Kelly (saddled with an Afro hair-do typical of the era) in L.A. to go after the bad guys – with a little help from a butt-kicking Asian policewoman and her colleagues. Hollywood veterans Burgess Meredith (as the villainous old businessman who seeks immortality) and Ann Sothern (as a Hong Kong madam who takes punishment like a man to protect Baker) bring some much needed spice to the largely indifferent proceedings.

One of the more goofball artifacts of 70's martial arts action film nuttery.

A golden idol that serves as a model for special acupuncture needle placement is sought by all parties, both good and bad.

The lumbering, leaden anti-charm of Joe Don Baker, probably by now most famous for the awful "Mitchell" keenly eviscerated by MST3k, drains so much of the potential of what could have been a much more enjoyable "Mac Guffin with Kung Fu" fun fest.

Elizabeth Ashley does well in a somewhat one-dimensional role, much less thankless than all the Asian actors, who are either generic Baddies or Damsels-in-Distress (or ass-kicking Damsels).

Burgess Meredith seems to be having a lot of fun here, and fortunately livens up many of the scenes he has with Joe Don, Mister Anti-Charisma.

If they had just thrown in Scatman Crothers and Anthony Zerbe, you would have a Seventies jackpot.

The insane fight scene in the health club/gym or whatever it was, featuring a bunch of naked old guys taking a shower, boggles the mind, but hey, that were The Seventies, when anything that goes did.

And show me another film with both Ann Sothern and Jim Kelly in it. I don't think you'll find one.

Yes, if you haven't heard of this one, this is a ridiculous way to waste 90 minutes. But you will enjoy making fun of this.

Golden Needles is a low-budget martial arts action film. It's not boring - there's no shortage of chases and physical violence - but there's not much of a story to it, either. It also may have set a world record for the most number of people being smashed through glass panes in a single movie. The set-up is that certain interested parties are in hot pursuit of a golden statuette that comes complete with a set of needles, which, when inserted, will revitalize the recipient to their younger days of physicality and sexual prowess. Liz Ashley (the buyer) and Joe Don Baker (the fixer) are the good guys, but their characters are so underwritten, it's hard to care about them, and they just function inside the plot. The only character that seems to be written out is Burgess Meredith, playing an aging millionaire who's the real money man behind the mischief. His scenes both lighten and liven up the movie. The scenes between Baker and Ashley are the least interesting, including a hard-to-believe sexual tryst, because the dialogue is so poor. At a certain point, you don't really know or care who's got the needles; the twists and turns don't matter much, you figure the good guys will prevail, and you're just waiting for the next fight. As kung fu pictures go, it's acceptable, but not stellar.