Was Schulmädchen verschweigen

Secrets of Sweet Sixteen (1973)

** 1/2 (out of 4)

Another entry in Germany's long running "report" series, which director Hofbauer was an expert at since he was behind the camera on this as well as countless others in the SCHOOLGIRL REPORT series. I'm really not sure why this one here wasn't in the SCHOOLGIRL REPORT series as this here contains the basic premise. Here we get several "stories" about teens and the troubles they can get into. One deals with a daughter learning of her mother's lover and going to meet him for herself. We have a nerdy boy afraid to have sex so his friend hooks him up with a beautiful girl (Christina Lindberg). Next up is a strange one where a post master believes his delivery man wants his daughter. The final story deals with a group of Satan worshipers needing a virgin for their sect but not being able to find one. If you're a fan of these German sex comedies then I'm sure you'll enjoy this one. It's not quite as good as the entries in the SCHOOLGIRL REPORT series that I've seen but it's certainly better than many others out there. I think the best story is probably the first one as it contains some pretty goofy sequence including constant flashbacks to a women's club where they are trying to lose weight and taking mud baths to stay young. Whatever this had to do with the actual story is beyond me but it does give us a few laughs. The weakest story is probably the one dealing with the dorky guy because there are so many opportunities for laughs but the film never really goes for them. Fans of Lindberg, myself included, will still enjoy the episode just for her. The film gets off to a pretty tasteless start as a pedophile lures a kid away from a school only to be "hypnotized" by a couple girls who hold him until the police arrive. I'm really not sure why this was put in the film but it probably should have been cut (even though this production comedy and director would make a film called 14 AND UNDER).

Fans of this genre (i.e. 70s European soft-core/nudie stuff) will be happy with this film. Although it begins with an uncharacteristically disturbing (attempted) rape scene, it recovers nicely as two of the heroines dis-robe to keep the bad guy occupied until the police arrive. After that, it's fun & games. A lot of nudity as you would hope and expect, the film is a series of erotic encounters with young and beautiful women (who are DEFINITELY and safely over the age of eighteen, so ignore the title). The particular copy I saw was from a video store and had some obvious edits during a few of the predictable scenes, probably to keep it within an "R" rating for U.S. audiences. Anyways, if you enjoyed those 70s naughty B-features at the drive-in and you happen to come across a copy of this film, it's worth a look.

Healthy dollops of Bavarian cheesecake from sleazemeister Hofbauer, who practically invented the Schulmadchen (`Sex Report') film in the late 60s. Sex Reports were a staple of grindhouse fare for those requiring their cheesy entertainment disguised as a documentary, framing the softcore shenanigans with a stern moral lesson from a social worker, psychiatrist or other authority figure (I'm still trying to track down Hofbauer's hilariously misguided Girls At The Gynecologist). Secrets... is a product of a more liberal era than the early Sex Reports and tones down the moralizing, though keeps in a running debate between a doctor and a priest. The vignettes range from comic to the bizarre (virgin sacrifice) to the outright repellent (an early episode involving a child molester). Schizo and very strange.

The "schulmadchen report" films were a long-running series of 70's German sex comedies where barely legal actresses played barely illegal "schulmadchen" characters in pseudo-documentary, sex-related situations, always involving plenty of nudity and softcore fumblings. These films quickly gave up the documentary pretensions and people-on-the-street interviews in order to focus more exclusively on the sex. This is a particularly strange film though even in the context of this bizarre series.

As other reviewers mentioned, it starts with the near molestation of a small child (definitely NOT a turn-on for most people). Fortunately for both the little girl and the viewers, two older girls come to her rescue, not by calling the police or anything, but by taking all their clothes off and offering to sex-up the creep! The next story is actually kind of a sexy mother-daughter story where a teenage girl overhears her mother setting a romantic rendezvous with a potential lover and plots to stop it (guess how?). The daughter and mother are both very attractive, but the filmmakers again seem to endeavor to turn off the viewer, first with lots of nude footage of overweight and elderly women at a health spa, then with an unpleasantly realistic rape scene. The next two vignettes are just silly (but not necessarily funny) stories of teenage sexual fumblings, one of which features the beautiful Swedish nymph Cristina Lindberg of "Thriller-a Cruel Picture" and "Young Playthings" fame (which, I have to admit, was my main motivation for seeing this movie in the first place). The movie then ends on a ridiculous but pretty funny note with a satanic cult endeavoring, quite unsuccessfully, to find a young virgin to sacrifice in modern-day (as of the 1970's anyway) Germany.

Aside from being in very questionable taste in a few places, this is actually a surprisingly entertaining film. In fact, despite a plethora of attractive young women eschewing both their morals and their clothes, I would not recommend this not so much for the sexual content as for the sheer wacky energy of the whole enterprise. It is pretty sexy I guess in places, despite its appalling lapses of taste, but more than that it is quite a bit of fun (and it has Cristina Lindberg).

I know nothing about this German director or his Schoolgirl Report series (of which this may or may not be officially attached to), but I do know a sleazy movie when I see one. Secrets of Sweet Sixteen is comprised of a number of "skits" (or so it says on the box). Aside from a couple "wacky" endings, I don't think either skits OR what is written in the synopsis on the back cover (sinister implications) are accurately describing what you're getting into with this movie.

The movie is episodic, a series of slices of (sex) life and encounters. I'd say the stories range from offensive to mildly amusing, but the real appeal here is the sleaze factor. I actually found it to be fairly unpredictable, and I lost track of the number of times I said "What in the F" out loud. I suppose, only in Germany. I think I can safely say (save for one encounter) that the ages of the ladies depicted in the movie do not reflect the title (the title is some misleading shock value). I WILL say, however, that these ladies are young enough to show off their perfect bodies. There is absolutely no shortage of beautiful women going full frontal, you might say there is an obscene amount of female nudity in this picture. And that might be its sole appeal, so if you're a pervert like me, and like your 70's exploitation with a heaping helping of (mostly) attractive bare flesh (and don't think I didn't notice the plethora of hooker boots), then I can highly recommend this. If you're looking for ANYTHING else, get lost! Maybe this movie can serve as a foreign curiosity, but be prepared for an eyeful!

The final sequence with the satanic wrestlers gets kind of hairy, I mean they throw 4 guys on top of each other (again, unexpected), then the wrestlers show up for the virgin's wedding? Say what? After what is alluded to at the end?! So I guess there's some mystery to be found, as well.

How this director corralled the caliber of women he got to do the things they do, is kind of mind-boggling. Assuming Germany is another country less uptight about sex. In my experience, the best porn is foreign porn. It never fails. There are foxier ladies doing dirtier things in them, as opposed to the homegrown (US) stuff. I said it.