Tiffany Jones

Anouska Hempel bought the rights to this film to stop it being released. A lot of actresses change careers, but acknowledge the fans that put them were they are today. Sam Fox doesn't get them out any more, but she still appreciates stripping off and being a huge personality put her on the map. Luckily a VHS release on the Jezebel (which put-out cult sexploitation films) imprint of Salvation Films was released in the late 90s.

The film is based off a British comic strip, about a sort of female spy with St Trinians-esque capers. The film is absolute rubbish. Sure, most of these British sex films weren't funny or sexy, but at least most like Confessions Of A Window Cleaner weren't boring. There is very little nudity or sex in this film despite an overly-zealous BBFC 18 rating and very little action. I've heard the similar film The Big Zapper is better, but I've not seen it. To me it seemed like the budget was too small or Pete Walker had his hands tied in some way, maybe the budget or the source material.

I watched this as Pete Walker completest and as a fan of crappy British cult films. The version I saw was a rip of aforementioned VHS tape. I can't recommend this to anyone as a film experience apart from for its scarcity and cult status.

The original Tiffany Jones newspaper strip won plaudits for its wit and style. Written and drawn by two female fashion journalists, it told of the exploits of a glamorous model, Tiffany, and her friends Jo and boyfriend Guy, and epitomised the free spirit of 'Swinging London'. Unfortunately this seems to have been completely jettisoned in this rather tedious adaptation. Instead poor Jo and Guy are relegated to a brief appearance at the start of the film, and then disappear for the duration. Tiffany gets embroiled in an attempt by a deposed foreign royal to overthrow the dictatorship which has taken over his country. The makers of the film seem unsure how seriously they should take the story, and how much sex and nudity (which is after all the only reason most people will be watching) to throw into the mix. One can only speculate what Fiona Richmond's producers, makers of probably the best looking sex films of the period, would have done with this story. Or how it would have been handled by the more low-brow creators of the 'Confessions' or 'Adventures' films; doubtless the clothing would have been lost with more panache than happens here. Anouska Hempel does not have the knowing sexuality of a Fiona, nor does she have the dizzy wide-eyed innocence which might also have worked. Instead she is reduced to reacting to everything that happens to her as if it was an everyday occurrence. The viewer is left with a feeling of regret for what might have been.

According to the big old website we're currently expounding in, Anouska Hempel, hotel designer and star of 'Tiffany Jones', bought up the rights to the film so it would never be seen (whether she returned her fee is another matter). Imagine her pique when she sees it's on Prime for free for everyone.

Poor Anouska (now Lady Weinberg) knows in her heart of hearts that her flesh being on view is the ONLY reason anyone would watch 'Tiffany Jones'. In every other respect, it's hopeless. A 'political' comedy which would, deservedly, be mouldering in oblivion were it not for her jaw-dropping turn.

Carry-On bit-parters and scarcely remembered 60's horror extras, soap opera mainstays and cheap tv ad regulars vie for screen time. It doesn't look as if any of them are interested in furthering the pathetic plot. I'd like to have seen how they sold the extremist chef roles to the actors.

If Anouska's annoyed at her own body, imagine her ire when she sees Ray Brooks' hair or hears the painful theme song.

In my humble (narrator?) opinion, Ms Hempel is almost Pam Grier and Diana Rigg level on the swoon in disbelief chart. She is a STAGGERINGLY beautiful woman. By modern standards, up there with Emelia Clarke and Toy off 'Run To The Movies'. Men have eaten their own heads for lesser legs than hers. Hitler would surely have stopped his messing about had she been on hand to calm things. Her presence - shucked-down or not - never fails to sticky-up a quivering screen . . But her 'Tiffany Jones' is a turkey of equally high order. A stiff. A bozo. A rotten old sock.

You sit there thinking: one day this movie will end . .

"Tiffany Jones" was a return to straight sexploitation for Pete Walker, who spent most of the seventies making the horror b-movies he is best known for.

Tiffany Jones is apparently a comic strip character. The opening credits feature shots of the comic strip - and an awful theme song.

"Zirdana - Eastern Europe" says the title. This... country (?) is apparently a dictatorship. The president of Zirdana arrives in England, according to a news report Tiffany Jones watches, while wearing a skimpy towel.

She's a model.

The movie provides some nudity at about the fifteen minute mark, with Tiffany in the bathtub.

She is tasked with doing an ad for Zirdana's tourism.

She is made to stand topless in front of Zirdana's evil president.

The president falls in love with Tiffany.

She is a surprisingly plucky, intelligent character, who is able to fend off his advances with her mind.

She is also effortlessly sexy, and doesn't mind appearing in a state of undress.

Tiffany is summoned to a photographer's studio, and the actor who plays the photographer is someone I recognize from other movies, though I'm not sure which ones. Is he one of the Hammer actors?

The photographer takes Tiffany's photo, but really he just wants to interrogate her about her work with the president. He's "Zirdanian" and wants to kill the dictator.

The photographer is actually a member of Zirdana's deposed monarchy.

Tiffany Jones provides not one, but two bathtub scenes.

In another scene, Tiffany is strapped to a gurney by a group of terrorist chefs. She is in her lingerie, until one of the chefs cut her bra off, while discussing different culinary methods of torture.

The beautiful Tiffany displays her talents again when she is able to convince a chef to swap places with her, and claim she has run off.

Tiffany then joins forces with the chefs, to help them overthrow the President.

While sneaking around, Tiffany encounters two middle aged American diplomat types, who apparently don't mind sharing a room, or appearing naked in front of each other. Luckily, Walker has the intelligence to know we don't want to see nudity from these senior citizens, and doesn't show any. Tiffany does give us a shower scene, though.

There follows a delightful scene in which the President eats lunch outdoors with many beautiful models, all of whom disrobe.

The "conclusion", or at least the final scenes, become pretty muddled. I guess Walker tried to tie up the nonsensical plot, but I admit I stopped paying attention for the first time during the last bits.

But, you know what? I still recommend "Tales of Tiffany Jones". It is exactly what we love Pete Walker for: he knew he wasn't making great art, or even legitimately good movies. He was just trying to have fun. And he invited the viewer to join him.

This atypical Pete Walker romp is a far cry from the horror fare he would later put out - and much worse in quality, too. Based on a long-forgotten comic strip, it features THE SCARS OF DRACULA's Anouska Hempel as the titular character, who finds herself getting intimate with the tyrannical ruler of a made-up country. Somehow, somewhere this seems to have been devised as a gender-swap Bond spoof, but something's lost along the way. Instead we get grating comedy, endless nudity from Hempel, an excruciating nude bathing sequence that goes on forever, and a cast of famous faces (including poor old Eric Pohlmann) deserving better.