- Ivan the Terrible: I had a man Iike you. He made wings.
- Engineer Alexander Sergeyevich Timofeyev: Well?
- Ivan the Terrible: What do you mean, well? I put him on a gun-powder barrel. It made him fly! Ha-ha!
- Lieutenant: Was it you who busted Shpak's place?
- Ivan the Terrible: I took Kazan, I took Astrakhan, I took Revel... but never Shpak.
- Ivan the Terrible: Taste it from my cup.
- Engineer Alexander Sergeyevich Timofeyev: Why?
- Ivan the Terrible: Go on, taste it...
- Engineer Alexander Sergeyevich Timofeyev: You think I want to poison you? We don't do that any more, and in our day, you'd sooner get poisoned with canned food, than vodka.
- Feofan, scribe of ambassadorial department: Oh, Sir, who is he?
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: He's a friend of Anton Semyonovich Shpak's.
- George Miloslavsky: What a fool!
- Ulyana Andreyevna Bunsha: Oh, God! What's going on? Go home now, alcoholic!
- Ivan the Terrible: Leave me alone, old woman, I'm being sad.
- Ulyana Andreyevna Bunsha: Old woman? You jerk! I'm five years younger than you! Let's go home, now!
- Ivan the Terrible: You are a witch!
- Lieutenant: So tell me, who are you?
- Ivan the Terrible: I am the Tsar.
- Lieutenant: Nickname? Wait. Your name?
- Ivan the Terrible: We're the Ryuriks.
- Lieutenant: First, second name?
- Ivan the Terrible: Ivan Vassilyevich.
- Lieutenant: Ivan... Date of birth?
- Ivan the Terrible: 1533 A.D.
- Lieutenant: Joking? Very funny. Residence?
- Ivan the Terrible: My palace.
- [last lines]
- Cat: Ciao!
- Warder: Open up, dog!
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: Whom is he addressing?
- George Miloslavsky: You.
- Engineer Alexander Sergeyevich Timofeyev: No, no. I don't drink. I don't drink, Ivan Vassilyevich. Thank you.
- Ivan the Terrible: Don't you have any respect for me?
- Engineer Alexander Sergeyevich Timofeyev: For God's sake, Ivan Vassilyevich!
- Ivan the Terrible: Then drink.
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: Well, how do I Iook?
- George Miloslavsky: Not like him! You're a fake! Let me tie up your teeth at least. You're a pain in the neck! The other Tsar looks smarter.
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: Don't get personal, please!
- Karp Savelyevich Yakin, film director: And who's playing Tsar Boris?
- Ivan the Terrible: What Tsar Boris? Boriska?
- Karp Savelyevich Yakin, film director: What is it?
- Ivan the Terrible: Boriska is to become a tsar?
- Lieutenant: What did you want to make a voluntary confession about?
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: I confess that against my will, under the compulsion of Prince MiIoslavsky, I acted temporarily as a Tsar.
- Lieutenant: A Tsar? You are a Tsar, too?
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: Yes, a Tsar. Ivan Vassilyevich the Terrible.
- Ivan the Terrible: [Tsar Ivan The Terrible] You're lying, dog!
- Dentist Anton Semyonovich Shpak: Everything I've got by working tirelessly, everything is gone! Three tape recorders, three imported movie cameras, three home-made cigarette cases, a suede jacket... three jackets!
- Ulyana Andreyevna Bunsha: [stroking Bunsha] You'll be cured.
- [stroked Tsar]
- Ulyana Andreyevna Bunsha: And you'll be cured.
- [taking off the wig]
- Ulyana Andreyevna Bunsha: And I'll be cured, too.
- Zinaida Mikhailovna Timofeyeva: Oh, Shurik! Your apparatus is going to kiII you!
- Engineer Alexander Sergeyevich Timofeyev: My apparatus, Zinochka, wiII make me famous. And you, too.
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: What is your name?
- George Miloslavsky: I'm an artiste of all big and small academic theatres. And my name is too famous to pronounce it.
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: You have ignored my question about the tape recorder.
- George Miloslavsky: Darn you!
- [to Shurik]
- George Miloslavsky: What a machine! A breakthrough in science and technoIogy!
- [to Bunsha]
- George Miloslavsky: Darn you again!
- Engineer Alexander Sergeyevich Timofeyev: My woman eloped today with her lover, Yakin, to the Caucasus.
- Ivan the Terrible: You are kidding? Did you send men to catch them? When they catch them, first thing have Yakin impaled, and then...
- Engineer Alexander Sergeyevich Timofeyev: What do you care about my relations with my wife? It's none of your business whether we're divorcing or not. That's our personal matter.
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: No, that's a public matter. Your divorces lower our indices.
- Engineer Alexander Sergeyevich Timofeyev: What do you want from me?
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: Wait until the end of the quarter. Then you may divorce as much as you like.
- George Miloslavsky: This foreign tourist speaks well!
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: What exactly does he say?
- George Miloslavsky: I'll be damned if I know. Fedya! We need an interpreter.
- Feofan, scribe of ambassadorial department: We had one. He was German. He got drunk as a lord when he had to translate. So we cooked him in boiled water.
- George Miloslavsky: It's not the way to treat interpreters.
- Zinaida Mikhailovna Timofeyeva: Listen to me, Karp, but, please, don't get excited. This is the real Ivan the Terrible! Do you remember I was telling you about the time machine? Well, Shurik did succeed with that experiment!
- Karp Savelyevich Yakin, film director: But he could have killed me!
- Zinaida Mikhailovna Timofeyeva: And would have done good!
- Karp Savelyevich Yakin, film director: It's crazy! What do you mean, Ivan the Terrible? He's been long dead!
- Ivan the Terrible: Who's dead?
- Karp Savelyevich Yakin, film director: I didn't mean you. I mean the other one, the one who's been dead...
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: Alexander Sergeyevich, where is the wall?
- George Miloslavsky: What is it? What's going on? There was a wall here!
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: Timofeyev, you will answer for it in court. Inventing such a machine!
- Engineer Alexander Sergeyevich Timofeyev: Go to hell with your wall!
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: Half a flat has vanished.
- Engineer Alexander Sergeyevich Timofeyev: No big deal.
- George Miloslavsky: You may stay here. The rest, please, leave the tsar's office. In other words, out! Bark at them!
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: Out!
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: Look, comrade. Excuse us for a minute. I would like to know what he wants, in general terms.
- Feofan, scribe of ambassadorial department: It's very simple. They want Kemsk Region. They went to war, so, they say, give it to us.
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: What? Kemsk Region?
- Swedish Ambassador: Ja, Kemska rejion. Ja, ja...
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: Take it if you want it! Oh, God! I thought it was something important.
- Feofan, scribe of ambassadorial department: But you can't do it, benefactor.
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: The tsar knows what he is doing. Our state won't be any poorer for it. Take it! Take it!
- Engineer Alexander Sergeyevich Timofeyev: I can't wait! Let's go back into the past and see the ancient Moscow!
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: What are you saying, Timofeyev? Before seeing the ancient Moscow, get a permission from the authorities!
- George Miloslavsky: Sit down! Occupy yourself with matters of state. Take the stick. Go ahead, dictate.
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: Dictate what?
- George Miloslavsky: The tsar, repeat it, of all Russia...
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: The tsar, repeat it, of all Russia...
- George Miloslavsky: Don't repeat 'repeat it'!
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: Well, everyone keeps saying: tsar, tsar... You think, Marfa Vassilyevna, it's easy to be a tsar? No, on the contrary! Every working man has two days off, and we, the tsars, have no days off. And our working hours are not fixed.
- George Miloslavsky: The tsar says that I'm Prince Miloslavsky. Are you satisfied?
- Feofan, scribe of ambassadorial department: Oh my! Stay away!
- George Miloslavsky: What's the matter? What is it?
- Feofan, scribe of ambassadorial department: You've been executed!
- George Miloslavsky: That's news to me!
- Zinaida Mikhailovna Timofeyeva: He's told that his wife is leaving him, and his only answer is: "Well, well, well, well...". I can't believe the rudeness!
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: If you really want to know, we, tsars, should be given free milk! Even the "Health" magazine said that neurons are hard to regenerate.
- George Miloslavsky: Why are you crawling, old chap?
- Feofan, scribe of ambassadorial department: The ambassador has lost his chest decoration.
- George Miloslavsky: He shouldn't be so absent-minded. One should watch his things when in a room. Why are you staring at me? Do you think I took it?
- Feofan, scribe of ambassadorial department: No, of course not!
- George Miloslavsky: You didn't take it, did you? Maybe it has slid under the throne? No. Well, then nothing can be done.
- Feofan, scribe of ambassadorial department: What a misfortune!
- Feofan, scribe of ambassadorial department: The demons grabbed you, we chased them all over the palace! And suddenly, the demons vanished!
- George Miloslavsky: They were here, we don't deny it. But they self-destructed.
- Karp Savelyevich Yakin, film director: You have misunderstood me.
- Ivan the Terrible: How can I understand you, if you don't say anything?
- Karp Savelyevich Yakin, film director: I don't know foreign languages, your highness.
- George Miloslavsky: Why are they yelling?
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: They cannot yell. They're all dead.
- George Miloslavsky: See how those dead can shoot?
- Ivan the Terrible: Who do you belong to?
- Dentist Anton Semyonovich Shpak: Excuse me, comrade actor, but what do you mean, 'belong'?
- Ivan the Terrible: Whose serf are you?
- Dentist Anton Semyonovich Shpak: Sorry, but I don't understand you.
- Ivan the Terrible: A very stupid serf!
- Dentist Anton Semyonovich Shpak: Excuse me, but why do you keep calling me a serf? Where did you get that word?
- Zinaida Mikhailovna Timofeyeva: It's from the part he's playing.
- Dentist Anton Semyonovich Shpak: That part is denigrating! Please, don't apply it to me! Oh, God! Some apartment house! They rob you, they call you names! We'll never win the honorary title of a house of cultured communal living. This is an outrage! An outrage!
- George Miloslavsky: And tell them not to hurry back. Tell them to capture Kazan on their way back, not to go there twice.
- Feofan, scribe of ambassadorial department: How come? Kazan is ours. We've taken it long ago.
- George Miloslavsky: Really?
- Feofan, scribe of ambassadorial department: Sure.
- George Miloslavsky: You were too hasty to do it. All right, all right, then. Since it's already taken, let it be. Why give it back?
- Feofan, scribe of ambassadorial department: The common people wish to see their tsar who was saved. They're rejoicing.
- George Miloslavsky: Oh, no, it's out of the question. We have no time for that. We'll rejoice later.
- Feofan, scribe of ambassadorial department: Sign it, our great tsar.
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: I have no right to sign historic documents. No, I have no right to sign...
- Engineer Alexander Sergeyevich Timofeyev: I'm in a hurry myself. I must rescue those two, as well. What's going to happen to them?
- Ivan the Terrible: They'll be beheaded, that's all.
- Engineer Alexander Sergeyevich Timofeyev: That's all?
- Ivan the Terrible: To hell with them!
- Ivan Vasilyevich Bunsha, house manager: What do you mean, a dog? How dare you sing such songs about a tsar? You got out of hand here, without me. What kind of a repertoire is that? You ought to sing songs for the masses, something contemporary. Like... how does it go? Trali-vali, tili-tili. We're not the tili-tili, we're not the trali-vali.
- George Miloslavsky: Cool it, Vanya. We'll do everything.