- Mr. Mike: Aberdeen, Scotland. Breeding ground for deviants. One is reminded of an old Scottish proverb: the only difference between a woman and a sheep is you can't make a sweater out of a woman.
- Gilda Radner: I go the limit for a guy with bad breath. And if he has plaque on his teeth? Wigga! Wigga!
- Jill Duis: When I reach down and feel a firm colostomy bag, I know I'm with a real man.
- Cat Swimming School Instuctor: Boots here couldn't swim a stroke when she first came, but look at her now.
- Mr. Mike: Good evening. I'm Mr. Mike, inviting you to come with me into a world where the bizarre is commonplace and the commonplace bizarre. It is an odyssey of agressive wierdness. Whatever raw, savage acts man's hellish brain can concieve, our cameras are these, scouring the globe, seeking out the cheap thrills, the pointless perversities, the shabby secrets, the grotesque, the pathetic....