"Cruise into Terror" comes with my warmest possible recommendation, but only in the unlikely event that you are deliberately looking for an occult thriller/horror film that is chock-full of utter nonsense! This made-for-television flick, produced by Aaron Spelling, contains so much senseless and imbecilic drivel that it's almost impossible to write a summary; - but here is an attempt anyway! The scenario raises the theory that the Ancient Egyptians discovered Mexico, and that they even laid the foundations for the Mayan culture. I tell you, it requires an experienced actor with a stoic and motionless straight face like Ray Milland to daresay claptrap like that! Furthermore, they want us to believe that the Antichrist (yes, the son of Satan) travels in a midget-sarcophagus from the US to Mexico and that there are pyramid tombs at the bottom of the ocean. Why drag in Satan and his offspring when you're dealing with Ancient Egyptians, by the way? What's wrong with bloodthirsty mummies, vengeful pharaohs or malignant Egyptian deities? So, 12 people are floating around on a ramshackle, retired cruise liner supposedly because the much better boat was overbooked. On board we meet a stereotypical group of travelers, including a reverend struggling with his beliefs (how very "Poseidon Adventure"), an estranged couple, two party girls, nagging women, an obsessive old scientist, a hunky deck officer/technician, a melancholic captain and a disposable black guy. Oh, and there's also a black cat. That's always a good idea to have on board of a cursed voyage! When they stumble upon the sarcophagus, most of the greedy passengers want to sell it to a museum and make money out of it, but the reverend insists to destroy it due to its unholy content. Just another exciting day on board of Aaron Spellings' secondhand Love Boat! The pacing is intolerably slow, and you can certainly tell it's a TV-movie by the complete lack of excitement or bloodshed. Whenever director Bruce Kessler does try to insert a bit of action, he fails miserably. Prime examples are the laughable cabin fire, where people simply stand motionless in between supposedly raging flames and the legendary dumb (to me, at least) shark attack. I know a thing or two about sharks, and this specimen is an average-sized Blue Shark. This species is almost entirely harmless and hardly what you can call menacing. There have been a few cases of Blue Sharks attacking humans, but they barely cause any damage. You also don't need to be an expert to see that the footage was added in separately. What tremendous good performances of the ensemble cast for looking so genuinely terrified at nothing!
