Satanik

They call this film "euro trash horror".

Well, it's not horror. The film takes place in Europe, so yes, it's "euro". Trash? Ah yes, it's trash all right.

You know you're in for a great movie when, right at the beginning, the DVD gives you text on the screen apologizing for the quality of the print you're about to watch. Expect crackles, odd jarring cuts, and for the movie not to fit the screen. Plus there's the sound -- at first I thought I was watching a dubbed film. Then, watching the lips carefully, I realized that, no, it's that the sound quality is embarrassingly bad and out of synch.

The plot itself is fairly goofy -- an old, disfigured woman named Dr Bannister kills a scientist for his youth formula. I'm not giving much away because when you see the "old woman" it's pretty obvious she's under a layer of thick, badly applied make-up. Anyone with a lick of sense, seeing the fake old age, knows what's coming next.

Yes, the "old crone" is miraculously transformed into a beautiful young woman -- complete with face make-up and a long wig of hair! Zounds!

When I say the old woman is disfigured, I mean she has cornflakes glued to her face. The film makes no attempt to explain how the cornflakes got there. For that matter, there is no attempt to explain anything at all relating to any of the characters. They're never developed beyond the level of finger puppets.

The two policemen pursuing our anti-heroine just wander about, apparently baffled by the simplest clues. The murdered scientist was working on a youth serum, the old woman has disappeared, and we keep running into a young woman -- how do these pieces fit together?! What does it all mean?! One of the cops sweats a lot and pats his face with a cloth. The other smokes a pipe. That's pretty much all we get, character-wise.

Dr Bannister (the crone, now a beauty) goes around wearing odd costumes and then taking them off so we can see her flesh. She has affairs with men. She gets in a catfight with a young woman in a nightgown. She goes to Geneva so we can see the lake there. She water- skis a bit, then takes off her wet suit to reveal a strange bead-curtain bikini. She takes off her clothes again in a strange ninja costume striptease.

The ending? Well, without giving anything away, it's just a bizarre, tacked on conclusion that makes about as little sense as the rest of the picture. It's the sort of thing a writer comes up with when the director wakes him up at 4 AM and says, "Quick! We need an ending for our movie! What happens next?"

The writer mumbles something half awake, and the director runs with it.

What's good about this movie? Some of the music is campy and fun. That classic 60s organ music that's so corny it's enough to make you laugh out loud. There are some odd seduction scenes, bizarre dialogue, goofy moments.

It's very close to being so bad it's good. I did manage to watch it from start to finish without gouging out my eyes or sobbing. I guess that's praise, of sorts.'

You've got to feel a little sorry for Marnie Bannister, a lab worker in Madrid, at the beginning of "Satanik." So hideously scarred--no, we never find out how she got that way--that she makes the Vina character in "Star Trek"'s "The Menagerie" episode look good, life certainly does not hold much promise for her. Until, that is, the day when she swallows an experimental cell rejuvenation serum, and morphs into a hotty that few men seem able to resist. Too bad that her homicidal tendencies don't change with her improved looks, however... "Satanik," I must say, is an interesting experience. A joint Italian/Spanish production, shot in Madrid and Geneva, it boasts some nice European settings and an engaging story. Lead actress Magda Konopka is as sexy as can be, particularly during two striptease scenes; it's difficult to believe that the scarred Marnie is played by the same woman (I'm assuming that she is). Perhaps the single best aspect of "Satanik," though, is its chic, jazzy score; what a terrific soundtrack CD this would make! Unfortunately, the Retromedia DVD presentation here is something of a mess. The full-screen image is quite grainy, and a good deal of the picture seems to be missing at times. The film has been horribly dubbed, as well; subtitles would have been infinitely preferable. The excellent reference book "DVD Delirium 2" claims that this "Satanik" DVD is an improvement over the VHS incarnation, but it still looked pretty crummy to me. And yet, as I said, the movie is pretty interesting, and briskly paced as it is, flies by pretty quickly. It's no Mario Bava picture, but still, I don't regret having rented this one out....

Greetings And Salutations, and welcome to my review of Satanik; here's the breakdown of my ratings:

Story: 0.50 Direction: 0.75 Pace: 0.75 Acting: 0.75 Enjoyment: 0.75

TOTAL: 4.00 out of 10.00

The primary element that ruins Satanik is the story - or the lack of one. There's little a director could do when the narrative was defunct. Nowadays, he trusts the CGI Director and their artists to fill in with overly-long eye candy fight sequences, like Justice League. However, in the sixties, all they could turn to was stock footage for stuffing, and that usually had to follow the storyline.

The concept is a passable one. An elderly scientist who has been visibly scared by life is offered a second chance at youth and beauty. One of her colleagues has been working on a fountain of youth serum. However, he's not ready for human trials though it works on the captive animals. There is one flaw. The mutated animals are not merely changed visually; they're mentally altered - they become aggressively violent. Dr Marnie Bannister cannot wait for her fellow researcher to change his mind, so she decides to take matters into her own hands. She kills him and goes all Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde. The grim turn of events should have given the writer carte blanche to deliver a dark and moody thriller. Sadly, the writer was lacking in imagination and skill. From the moment Dr Bannister awakens as the glamourpuss Satinik the story takes a steep nosedive into insipidity. Five minutes later, my attention shifted from the youthful reincarnation to other things. I'm unsure if Satanik is a dark force that does good or evil. That is how poor the story is. Even when the writer introduces the drug dealers and Satanik's infiltration of the gang, it's ambiguous as to what her goals are. Is she trying to stop them or trying to take over the business?

The direction is only slightly better. Regrettably, Piero Vivarelli isn't a maestro behind the camera. His cinematography borders on the mundane. Luckily for the audience, he does throw in a few semi-decent compositions. But as one reviewer states, when the action shifts to Geneva, we get a lot of "Holiday" footage showing how beautiful the city is, but nothing of import to the story.

The cast is abysmal, though that could come down to the direction. Magda Konopka is better and more credible as Dr Bannister than she is as Satanik. Satanik is a beautiful but blank individual with next to no personality, whereas Bannister is anxious and worried because she killed Professor Greaves.

I'd advise everyone to stay away from this poor excuse of a story. There are many better and more entertaining thrillers out there. But should you have watched them all, I suggest picking up a book and having a gander at the printed page instead of watching Satanik.

When the kick from the Serum Of Youth wears off, please visit my Killer Thriller Chillers and The Final Frontier lists to see where I ranked Satanik.

Take Care & Stay Well.

A brilliant scientist by the name of "Professor Greaves" (Nerio Bernardi) has just invented a serum that rejuvenates cells and reverses the aging process. His assistant, "Dr. Marny Bannister" (Magda Konopka) desperately wants the formula due to the fact that she is scarred and ugly. However, Professor Greaves is cautious and wants to do more research before even attempting to try it out on a human being. Dr. Bannister then kills Professor Greaves and ingests the serum which turns her into the young and beautiful woman she always wanted to be. But there are two important factors which Dr. Bannister failed to take into account. First, the formula unleashes savage and primordial desires into whoever takes it. The second factor is that the serum wears off after a period of time and the person reverts back to their previous form. What follows is a murderous rampage by Dr. Bannister who is not averse to using her beauty to further her evil desires. Although it was originally filmed in Italian, the English dubbing was very noticeable. Also quite noticeable was the fact that a scene or two was cut rather abruptly. This gave the film a kind of choppy feel. Still, Magda Konopka looked great and the film had a nice late-60's atmosphere to it. All things considered I give it an average rating.

This Spanish-Italian co-production tells an interesting and weird story about Dr. Bannister, a woman that not only has the best years behind her, but also has a scarred face that makes her look like a freak. But in Madrid, a professor she knows has conducted some experiments on animals with a substance which regenerates cells. The experiments were successful, but the animals became aggressive. Because the professor won't allow Dr. Bannister to be the first human guinea pig, she kills him and consumes the substance. She becomes a beautiful young woman, but also a vicious killer when it comes to keep her secret a secret.

The plot of the film is great fun, but Piero Vivarelli had not enough skills and money to make a cool movie out of it. Also, the film becomes boring after a good start and doesn't manage to regain a fast pace even though the film's running time doesn't exceed 83 minutes. And as the setting changes to Swiss city Geneva for the last third of the film, it sometimes even looks like a vacation movie as we see how beautiful Geneva is (which it is indeed - but it doesn't help to push the plot forward...). So, with a more talented director, better actors and a bigger budget, "Satanik" could have become an obscure Italian classic. But, as it is, it's just a lacklustre and boring crime film that isn't really worth looking for. Rating: 3 out of 10.