- The Khasi of Kalabar: May the benevolence of the god Shivoo bring blessings on your house.
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: And on yours.
- The Khasi of Kalabar: And may his wisdom bring success in all your undertakings.
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: And in yours.
- The Khasi of Kalabar: And may his radiance light up your life.
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: And up yours.
- Lady Ruff-Diamond: [brushing off a collapsed ceiling] Oh dear! I seem to have got a little plastered!
- Brother Belcher: I've never ridden in a cart pulled by cows before.
- Capt. Keene: Bullocks, Mr Belcher!
- Brother Belcher: No, I haven't, honestly.
- Capt. Keene: [news of the native revolt arrives] What do you intend to do, sir?
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: Do? Do? We're British. We won't do anything...
- Major Shorthouse: ... until it's too late.
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: Exactly. That's the first sensible thing you've said all day.
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: Tell Major Shorthouse to call me an elephant.
- Lady Ruff-Diamond: He needn't bother I'll do it. You're an elephant!
- The Khasi of Kalabar: [unimpressed by the Fakir's performance] Bring on the dancing girls. Get rid of this idiot!
- Bungdit Din: Fakir! Off!
- [after a servant rings a gong, in the style of the famous Rank Organisation logo]
- The Khasi of Kalabar: I do wish you wouldn't keep doing that. Rank stupidity!
- [the Khasi's soldiers are fleeing from the kilt-lifted Third Foot and Mouth regiment]
- The Khasi of Kalabar: What are you running from? There's nothing to be afraid of...
- The Khasi of Kalabar: [turns to look at the exposed regiment] Ooh, I dunno though!
- Lady Ruff-Diamond: [watching polo game] Ooh, I say! He did not 'alf crack that one, did he not?
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: Dearest, if you can't express yourself in more elegant terms, kindly shut your cakehole.
- The Khasi of Kalabar: [Lady Ruff Diamond has the photograph] I must take that with me now.
- Lady Ruff-Diamond: Then take me with it.
- The Khasi of Kalabar: But what about your husband?
- Lady Ruff-Diamond: Oh, we don't want him!
- The Khasi of Kalabar: Will he not be displeased that you come away with me?
- Lady Ruff-Diamond: Oh, of course.
- Lady Ruff-Diamond: [tearful] My poor Sidney will be ever so upset!
- The Khasi of Kalabar: Oh, do not worry unduly, before many days he and the others will all be dead.
- Lady Ruff-Diamond: [happily] Oh well, that's all right then, innit!
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: [watching a game of Polo in India, 1895] Good shot! Well done, Philip! He'll do well, that boy, if he marries well...
- Sergeant-Major MacNutt: [on the subject of underwear] I am wearing them for sentimental reasons, sir. They were hand knitted by me mother.
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: I don't care if they were hand-embroidered by your father!
- Sergeant-Major MacNutt: Well he did do the flowers.
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: Flowers!
- The Khasi of Kalabar: They will die the death of a thousand cuts!
- Princess Jelhi: Oh! But that's horrible!
- The Khasi of Kalabar: Not at all my little desert flower, the British are used to cuts!
- Major Shorthouse: [eavesdropping on an argument between the Ruff-Diamonds] Makes a change from tiffin!
- Sergeant-Major MacNutt: [pointing to the red line Widdle is painting just inside the entrance] What is that supposed to be, Widdle?
- Pte. James Widdle: The thin red line. They'll never get past this!
- Sergeant-Major MacNutt: Widdle, if you don't get out of here, I'll paint a thin red line across your thick white backside!
- [last lines]
- [after a shot of the Union Flag flying with "I'm backing Britain" printed across it]
- Brother Belcher: [looking directly at the camera] Of course, they're all completely mad, you know!
- Capt. Keene: We need that rope of yours to get over the wall.
- The Fakir: I'm sorry, it won't work. Not without the magic words.
- Sergeant-Major MacNutt: Come on, you'll be well paid.
- The Fakir: Those are the magic words! Help me off this thing!
- [Keene and McNutt lift the Fakir off, to reveal empty space]
- Sergeant-Major MacNutt: What thing?
- The Fakir: Oh look - I've had a touch of the levitations!
- Capt. Keene: Then I was going to say keep a stiff upper lip.
- Missionary: Well I'm not standing around here waiting for mine to stiffen!
- Princess Jelhi: What is there to fear from a warrior who wears nothing underneath his skirt?
- The Khasi of Kalabar: Oh my child, you have not made war. But think how frightening it would be to have such a man charging at you with his skirt flying in the air and flashing his great big bayonet at you.
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: He'd like to massacre me and every other Britisher in India.
- Lady Ruff-Diamond: Well, then, what do you keep smiling at him like that for?
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: Because as a top-rank British diplomatist, I'm as two-faced as he is.
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: This revolt will have to be suppressed with the utmost tact and diplomacy. We'll string up half a dozen of 'em for a start.
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: I wouldn't trust him an inch.
- Lady Ruff-Diamond: Ooh, neither would I.
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: I didn't mean that.
- The Khasi of Kalabar: Go to the women's quarters and pay your respects to your mother.
- Princess Jelhi: Which one is she again?
- The Khasi of Kalabar: Oh, how many more times? She with the hair like burnished copper and the eyes as green as emeralds, and number thirty two stamped on her back.
- Pte. James Widdle: It was on guard duty up the pass, when this huge Burpa suddenly appeared in front of me and pulled it out.
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: Pulled what out?
- Pte. James Widdle: His um... sword thing.
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: Oh. Go on then.
- Pte. James Widdle: Well, sir, the next thing I remember is coming to, lying on the ground... and they were off.
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: They were? Blimey, that's rough.
- Captain Keene: He means his underpants were off, sir.
- The Khasi of Kalabar: Dear Lady, I do not make love.
- Lady Ruff-Diamond: You don't?
- The Khasi of Kalabar: No, I am extremely rich, I have servants to do everything for me.
- The Khasi of Kalabar: You scratch my back and I will scratch yours.
- Lady Ruff-Diamond: Ooh, that might be interesting for a start.
- [the British outpost at the Khyber Pass has been attacked]
- Lady Ruff-Diamond: Oh! How awful! What can have happened ?
- Capt. Keene: I don't like making guesses, but I wouldn't be surprised if there hadn't been a spot of foul play here.
- Missionary: Foul play? Look at them! Lying around like a lot of unwanted cocktail snacks!
- Pte. James Widdle: Ginger!
- Missionary: Who is?
- Pte. James Widdle: He is. Ginger, my mate.
- Sergeant-Major MacNutt: Private Hale ?
- Pte. James Widdle: Yes, Ginger Hale. Hello, Ginge. It's me, Jimmy. Your old mate, Jimmy Widdle.
- Private Ginger Hale: Jimmy? Is it you? My old mate?
- Pte. James Widdle: Ginge, mate! How do you feel?
- Private Ginger Hale: Oh, not so good. I think I've been wounded.
- Pte. James Widdle: Only here and there.
- Private Ginger Hale: Jimmy, I can trust you. Now, give it to me straight. Am I going to be all right?
- Pte. James Widdle: Of course not, Ginge mate.
- Private Ginger Hale: Eh?
- Pte. James Widdle: I said, "Of course not, Ginge mate."
- Private Ginger Hale: I'm not going to be all right?
- Pte. James Widdle: Well, how could you be, with half a dozen dirty great holes in you? You've had it.
- Private Ginger Hale: You're a bleeding fine mate, I must say.
- Pte. James Widdle: What do you mean? You asked me to give it to you straight.
- Private Ginger Hale: Yeah, but I didn't mean you to. You horrible little runt, you!
- Sergeant-Major MacNutt: That's enough! Widdle, you're a great little comfort to a dying man, aren't you? Now listen, Hale, it's Sergeant-Major MacNutt. What happened, lad?
- Private Ginger Hale: They attacked about a half-hour ago, Sir. Hundreds of them.
- [He belches]
- Private Ginger Hale: Burpas! They... they... oooh!
- [Hale faints. Sergeant-Major MacNutt shakes his head sadly]
- Pte. James Widdle: Oh, no! Ginge! Ginge, mate! I'm sorry, I... Poor old mate!
- [Widdle gently covers Hale's body with a greatcoat. Hale throws it off]
- Private Ginger Hale: That's right! Bleeding well suffocate me!
- [Sergeant-Major MacNutt has knocked Captain Keene to the floor with the spear lodged in his back]
- Capt. Keene: Sergeant-Major, report to the surgeon and get that thing taken out!
- Sergeant-Major MacNutt: [McNutt and Widdle are staying behind at the pass to give the others time to retreat] We don't fire until we see the whites of their eyes
- Pte. James Widdle: I can only see the pinks... will that do?
- Sergeant-Major MacNutt: *Yeah*... have a taste of *this* you *swines*!
- Burpa Guard: [responding to enquiry] What do you want pig?
- Brother Belcher: [observing guard's rotten, broken teeth with disgust?] I was going to ask if you could recommend a good dentist. But I don't think I'll bother!
- Sergeant-Major MacNutt: [preparing for battle] Don't worry men. There's only one thing to be worried about, and that's me. And I'll be right behind you!
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: We used to know a missionary fella when we were in the Solomon Islands. Do you remember, dear?
- Lady Ruff-Diamond: Oh, yes, a splendid man. He went down very well with the natives.
- Missionary: Did he?
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: Yeah, they ate him.
- The Khasi of Kalabar: As a mark of my deep respect for Your Excellency's person, I have come to offer you and your people safe conduct out of Kalabar.
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: A very magnanimous gesture. And er... if I do not wish to leave?
- The Khasi of Kalabar: Then, Your Excellency, I shall be forced, most reluctantly, to burn the residency to the ground and kill everyone in it.
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: Is that all?
- Pte. James Widdle: [spotting Bungdit Din holding up some underpants] Hey, those are mine. And that's the chap who took them off me. I remember his face.
- Sergeant-Major MacNutt: I'd hate to think what he remembers of you.
- The Khasi of Kalabar: By the time I'm finished, their stiff upper lips will be so limp they'll be hanging down to their navels!
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: I've got something very important to do.
- Lady Ruff-Diamond: What?
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: I've got to go to the Khasi.
- Lady Ruff-Diamond: Well you should have gone before Tiffin you know it's very bad for...
- Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: The Khasi of Kalabar.
- The Khasi of Kalabar: A thing like that leaves them unmoved but put the tea in the cup before the milk and they go berserk!