- Mark Wallace: Do you know what marriage is?
- Joanna Wallace: Hmm, you tell me, and see if we're thinking of the same thing.
- Mark Wallace: Marriage is when the woman tells the man to take off his pajamas... and it's because, she wants to send them to the laundry.
- Mark Wallace: Just wish that you'd stop sniping.
- Joanna Wallace: I haven't said a word!
- Mark Wallace: Just because you use a silencer doesn't mean you're not a sniper.
- Joanna Wallace: At least you're not a bad-tempered, disorganized, conceited failure anymore. You're a bad-tempered, disorganized, conceited success.
- Mark Wallace: What kind of people just sit like that without a word to say to each other?
- Joanna Wallace: Married people?
- Mark Wallace: Are you a virgin?
- [Joanna seems shocked by the question]
- Mark Wallace: Thought you were. Can always tell.
- Joanna Wallace: Congratulations.
- Mark Wallace: I was two years at the University of Chicago.
- Joanna Wallace: Studying virgin detection?
- Mark Wallace: Only at night school.
- Mark Wallace: [Joanna has returned from an affair] Hello.
- Joanna Wallace: Hello.
- Mark Wallace: Well?
- Joanna Wallace: [softly, on the verge of tears] I'm back.
- Mark Wallace: Enjoy yourself?
- Joanna Wallace: [nods] Yes, thank you. But I *missed* you.
- [Mark sarcastically rolls his eyes, not believing her]
- Joanna Wallace: I *did*.
- Mark Wallace: Why?
- Joanna Wallace: Because he's so serious.
- Mark Wallace: I thought you liked people who were serious.
- Joanna Wallace: But he's *so* serious.
- Mark Wallace: Well, I'd better make some funny faces...
- Joanna Wallace: [softly] You don't need to make funny faces.
- [Mark gives no response]
- Joanna Wallace: Mark, I'm back!
- Mark Wallace: You humiliate me. You humiliate me... and then you come back.
- Joanna Wallace: [nods tearfully] That's right.
- Mark Wallace: Thank God!
- [he hugs her and they tearfully kiss]
- Mark Wallace: Darling, what's French for 'Inspector, I don't believe a word you're saying and you're not gonna get a damn penny?'
- Joanna Wallace: 'Oui, monsieur.'
- Mark Wallace: Why is it whenever you give a woman everything she wants, you get so bloody minded.
- Joanna Wallace: You don't give me everything I want, you give me everything you want to give me.
- [Before getting married, hitchhikers Mark and Joanna spend a night in a hotel together, laying in bed]
- Mark Wallace: This is definitely against my principles.
- Joanna Wallace: Good. I wouldn't like to think that it happened all the time.
- Mark Wallace: I had absolutely no intention of sleeping in hotels.
- Mark Wallace: We agreed before we were married we weren't gonna have any children.
- Joanna Wallace: And before we were married we *didn't*.
- Joanna Wallace: [upset] You just want me to become a beautiful memory, the sooner the better!
- Mark Wallace: Who said anything about beautiful?
- Ruth Manchester: [after Howard knocks the luggage off the top of the car by driving into a low beam carport] Daddy?
- Howard Manchester: Yes, Ruthie?
- Ruth Manchester: Did you do that on purpose?
- Howard Manchester: No, Ruthie, I didn't. No, I did not. No, Ruthie. No.
- Mark Wallace: [to Joanna] Come on, baby.
- Howard Manchester: Well that, if I may say so, is a very revealing usage. Calling her baby, at this point, shows you're prepared to do her thinking and her deciding for her. Now I warn you solemnly, Marcus. You're denying Joanna the right to be her own paradoxical self.
- Mark Wallace: Howard, you're the largest pocket of untapped natural gas known to man.
- Joanna Wallace: [on the plane to Europe] Now, how about getting me some cigarettes?
- [Mark waves done the stewardess, purchases a pack of cigarettes, gives it to Joanna]
- Joanna Wallace: Thank you.
- Mark Wallace: It's just that Maurice...
- Joanna Wallace: He managed to persuade you that it's absolutely imperative that we get to Saint-Tropez by the day before yesterday. Why do you always get taken in?
- Mark Wallace: Well, baby, that's how it is, okay?
- [first lines]
- Joanna Wallace: [referring to a pair of newlyweds seated in the back of a Rolls Royce] They don't look very happy.
- Mark Wallace: Why should they? They just got married.
- Mark Wallace: [Mark and Joanna's car is on fire] Water!
- Joanna Wallace: Oh! But where?
- Mark Wallace: Find some!
- Joanna Wallace: Here, here.
- [she hands Mark a bottle of water]
- Mark Wallace: [he pours the water on the engine]
- Joanna Wallace: Oh! It likes water!
- Cathy Manchester: Ruthie, that hurt Mommy! Howard, did you see what she did? She pinched me!
- Howard Manchester: Yes, well, she probably thinks you're excluding her, Honey Bunch.
- Joanna Wallace: What sort of people sit in a restaurant and don't even try to talk to each other?
- Mark Wallace: Married people.
- Mark Wallace: You promised when we were married, you'd always be happy, no matter what.
- Joanna Wallace: I know!
- Mark Wallace: Why can't you always be happy, no matter what?
- Joanna Wallace: Because I can't.
- Mark Wallace: You mean you broke your promise.
- Joanna Wallace: What do people have rows about, dear?
- Mark Wallace: Money, sex. Sex, money. He wants, she doesn't want.
- Joanna Wallace: She wants, he doesn't want.
- Mark Wallace: He thinks that the counter is all in the wrong place.
- Joanna Wallace: Counter and display cases. It's very funny.
- Mark Wallace: Yeah, that's marriage for you.
- Joanna Wallace: That's marriage for them.
- Mark Wallace: That's marriage. Full stop.
- Joanna Wallace: Shouldn't get too much sun the first day.
- Mark Wallace: I don't burn. I've got asbestos skin.
- [Joanna waves her hand suspiciously over her drink]
- Mark Wallace: What are you doing?
- Joanna Wallace: Just trying to discover where the strings are attached.
- David: I am sorry we did not know each other longer. It would have been easier.
- Mark Wallace: Yeah, and more fun. Then you could have had the supreme pleasure of taking your friend's wife. That's real kicks, huh?
- Joanna Wallace: [voiceover] You haven't been happy since the day we met, have you? If only you were 10 years younger and you knew what you know now.
- Mark Wallace: [Joanna handing Mark the phone] Who is it now?
- Joanna Wallace: Caroline.
- Mark Wallace: Caroline? Who's that?
- Joanna Wallace: Caroline Wallace. Your daughter.
- Mark Wallace: Oh, Caroline.
- [takes the phone]
- Mark Wallace: Hello. How's my little girl, huh?
- Mark Wallace: If you want to live in one half of a suburban shoebox, like your parents, you married the wrong man.
- Joanna Wallace: I don't want to live in one half of a suburban shoebox.
- [kiss]
- Joanna Wallace: And I married the wrong man.
- Mark Wallace: I think we were damn lucky to get the place, frankly.
- Joanna Wallace: I think we'll be damn lucky to get out of it, frankly.
- Mark Wallace: The trouble with women is they try to label you - put you in a pigeonhole. What they don't realize is - the only thing that fits in a pigeonhole is a pigeon.
- Mark Wallace: Why don't you put a very British sock in it.
- Joanna Wallace: Why don't you put a hard-boiled egg in it.
- Mark Wallace: Do you want me to take your picture?
- Joanna Wallace: No. No-no.
- Mark Wallace: This is really a three-dimensional - camera. It's really meant for photographing three-dimensional subjects.
- Joanna Wallace: I'm three-dimensional, as a matter of fact.
- Mark Wallace: Well, it's basically for buildings.
- Joanna Wallace: Well, I'm not a building.
- Mark Wallace: It's not that I have anything against sex. It's contracts I don't go for. Promise of long service and good conduct.
- Mark Wallace: I always thought American women would be different. I thought in America they'd broken the inhibitions barrier and it was all one long sex feast.
- Joanna Wallace: No?
- Mark Wallace: But no. But no. The nicely brought-up American girl plays cool and modern. but what she wants - is what her grandmother wanted: Your head stuffed and mounted on the living room wall.
- Mark Wallace: She was selfish, grasping, philistine, materialistic, stubborn, opinionated. I was crazy about her. Lucky for you, you'll never meet her.
- Joanna Wallace: I think Howard's wonderful the way he organizes everything.
- Cathy Manchester: He's not an efficiency consultant for nothing. Are you, Sweetness?
- Mark Wallace: If he were, he wouldn't be married to you, Honey.
- [Cathy purrs like a cat]
- Cathy Manchester: Howard has a tremendously mature quality, Marcus. That's what I love about him. He has quiet assurance. Don't you think he has quiet assurance?
- Mark Wallace: Very quiet assurance.
- Cathy Manchester: He's the husband type. You were always the lover type. I guess basically you still are.
- Mark Wallace: I've been married to Joanna for nearly two years.
- Cathy Manchester: But your relationship is basically volatile. Anyone can see that.
- Cathy Manchester: Oh, Sweetheart, I hate to say it, but we should've left the car under the sun shelter, Howie.
- Howard Manchester: I know, Sugarbush.
- Cathy Manchester: This may sound absolutely ridiculous to you. I know that you love Ruthie, but she doesn't seem to realize it. I don't think you're getting through to her. She's gotten the idea that you are hostile to her. May I make a suggestion? Why don't you woo her a little bit?
- Joanna Wallace: Woo her?
- Cathy Manchester: That's right, woo her a little bit.