- Carlo Cofield: You know what I want? A box of twenty-five Monte Cristo panatellas. I want a king-size vibrator bed. I want a 35mm. Hasselblad, a Rolls-Royce convertible. I want driving gloves made from the underside of antelope ears. A bold men's cologne for the man who does something to women. A cashmere double-breasted jacket that's going to get me there first.
- Laura Califatti: Get where?
- Carlo Cofield: Doesn't matter. I want to be where the action is. I want to live a life of understated elegance.
- Rod Prescott: [to Laura] How many times have I told you not to send these idiotic letters to my house? Huh? What would happen if my wife had got them? If Diane had read that letter it'd be 86 for you and me, baby.
- Laura Califatti: They use a new process. It was aromarama. You could smell it!
- Carlo Cofield: Smell what? Smelt the picture?
- Laura Califatti: Yes!... You know, they fixed up the theater so that with every scene there was a different smell. In one scene, I lured this man to a small rose garden and the audience was supposed to smell roses. They pushed this - eh, eh, this, eh...
- Carlo Cofield: Spray?
- Laura Califatti: This spray. This spray - the rose - the smell of roses. But, they make a mistake - and the audience smells fish.
- Laura Califatti: Listen, I live here alone. I let you sleep in my house, because, I know you will - you will not make a stupid attempt. Heh? You will behave. Heh? With some men, a woman is not secure. But, you're not such a man.
- Carlo Cofield: I'm not, huh?
- Laura Califatti: No. You're a friend. Ciao!
- Madame Lavinia: Mr. Cofield, you'll be pleased to know that I have destroyed the sex life of Harry Hollard.
- Diane Prescott: Why is it so simple for some people?
- Rod Prescott: Well, because they're simple-minded, that's why.
- Diane Prescott: You're all heart, Rod.
- Carlo Cofield: Look, all great salesmen are nothing more than just a uh - a collection of personality defects: the uh morality of a sieve, the... charm of a schizophrenic, the sensitivity of a rhino, and the uh - the scruples of a blackmailer.
- Ted Gunder: If I'd seen this forecast in advance, I could have really toned my glutes!
- Monster: Your glutes? I told you what was wrong with your glutes a year ago. S-E-X, old buddy.
- Laura Califatti: I'm a terrible actress. I cannot act. You want?
- [lights Carlo's cigar]
- Laura Califatti: I cannot pretend one thing, when I feel another. I'm too emotional.
- [blows out the match]
- Carlo Cofield: What do you do now? I mean, for a living?
- Laura Califatti: I live! I live a rich life. I have my work and for me that is everything.
- Carlo Cofield: Well, I'd like to live a rich life too.
- Laura Califatti: We must all live a full life. A rich life!
- Laura Califatti: It's a marauder!
- Rod Prescott: It's a private dick. I'll take care of him right now.
- Laura Califatti: [to Rod] It is because you don't love me. Only a fool could believe it. Only a fool or someone who didn't care. Why have no jealousy for the one you love? He is my lover!
- Carlo Cofield: Oh, no, no!
- Laura Califatti: He takes me when he pleases!
- Carlo Cofield: Oh, no, no.
- Laura Califatti: We are mad for each other! Tell him!
- Carlo Cofield: I'm not her lover.
- Laura Califatti: Ah, grazie, grazie...
- Rod Prescott: What is your line there, lover boy? You a dance instructor? A paid escort? A hairdresser?
- Jim Backus: Do you want to hear me do Mr. Magoo?
- Carlo Cofield: Oh, I'd love to. Please do.
- Jim Backus: Ha-ha, by George. I'll show you the blue - prints.
- Carlo Cofield: Pecs?
- Millie Gunder: Pecs, Abs, Glutes!
- Ted Gunder: Can you beat that? She's talkin' about my glutes!
- Monster: You really should cut down on it. I tell ya, sex steals away strength like a thief in the night.
- Millie Gunder: Now, that's a crock and you know it!
- Monster: Well, ask anybody. Ask anybody with an IQ over 8 - if sex doesn't destroy the body.
- Millie Gunder: Ah, baloney.
- Carlo Cofield: That's crazy!
- Sam Lingonberry: It's crazy. Homeowners are crazy. The banks are crazy. Cofield, can everybody be crazy?
- Carlo Cofield: You certainly make interesting propositions, Mrs. Prescott.
- Diane Prescott: I didn't go into it, but, there are some interesting fringe benefits. Sleep on it, Mr. Cofield.
- Millie Gunder: Mr. Cofield, do you find me attractive? I mean, if you were a man...
- Carlo Cofield: If I were a man?
- Millie Gunder: Would you be attracted to me?
- Carlo Cofield: If I were...
- Millie Gunder: I mean, it's Harry.
- Carlo Cofield: Harry?
- Millie Gunder: Well, he says that we shouldn't make love anymore! Or, anything. What do you think?
- Carlo Cofield: Well, there are certain authorities who, excuse me, who share that view. I would say this, though, I don't think, I certainly don't think its a proper or nor-, excuse me, I'm sorry, normal environment for a young healthy and beautiful girl to be in. You know?
- Laura Califatti: I think you're - going to make a pass at me. No?
- Carlo Cofield: Considering our record, so far, that's probably the most self-destructive thing - I could possibly do.
- [last lines]
- Carlo Cofield: Here we go!
- Laura Califatti: [reaching out from behind a door in having no clothes] Carlo, please!
- Carlo Cofield: I guess if you start looking at things, uh, realistically you'll never fall in love. I mean you just reject the people you can't stand, and see who's left - if anybody.
- Sam Lingonberry: That's not a pool, that's a bomb shelter.
- Carlo Cofield: A bombshelter?
- Sam Lingonberry: Yeah, I started digging it during the Eisenhower administration, then I stopped during the Kennedy administration, an now I'm wondering if it's big enough.