- Tom: You can tell who's running the country by how much clothes people wear, see?
- Dick: Do you mean that some people can afford more clothes on, and some people have... less on? Is that what you mean?
- Tom: That's right.
- Dick: I don't understand.
- Tom: See, the ordinary people, you'd say that the ordinary people are the less-ons.
- Dick: So who's running the country?
- Tom: The morons.
- Pat Paulsen: What are the arguments against the draft? We hear it is unfair, immoral, discourages young men from studying, ruins their careers and their lives.
- [pause]
- Pat Paulsen: Picky, picky, picky.
- [while singing 'My Old Man']
- Tom: My old man's a negro...
- Dick: [interrupting] He is NOT a negro.
- Tom: You are a fascist.
- Dick: I'm not a fascist.
- Tom: Then you know some people who are.
- Dick: I know you, and I know me, and I know you're my brother, so that makes it impossible - absolutely, genetically impossible - for your old man to be a negro. You know why? Because my old man is not a negro.
- [long pause]
- Tom: No wonder Mom always liked you best!
- [Dick is singing 'McNamara's Band']
- Tom: Okay, hold it, hold it!
- [Music stops]
- Tom: Didn't hear one Jewish name in there. You really stepped into it that time, didn't ya.
- Dick: Yeah, I...
- Tom: So you launch into a song full of the worst kind of controversy...
- Dick: What's the matter - ?
- Tom: There's not one Chinese, one Italian, one Greek - I didn't hear anybody in there.
- Dick: Of course you didn't, because they're all Irish.
- Tom: There wasn't one Palucci, one Rabinowitz, one Hayakawa. I bet you there isn't even one colored person in that band.
- Dick: You know what, I bet you are right, because it's an all-Irish band.
- Tom: Oh, you're in for it now. Boy, did you start a controversy there.
- Dick: Now what did I start? I'm trying to sing a happy little song...
- Tom: You're going to be hearing from the NA double-I CP
- Dick: Now what is that?
- Tom: The National Association for Advancement of Irish Colored People.
- Dick: It's a very difficult situation. People keep spending our money abroad and it's hurting our economy. People keep wanting to travel to other countries instead of staying in the good old United States.
- Tom: Yeah, well, the way I think is that, see, President Johnson should just come up with something positive as an inducement to keep the people here.
- Dick: But what could the president do to make people want to stay in this country?
- Tom: Well he could quit.