La regina di Venere

To the ranks of "Go ahead, make my day", "Badges? We don't need to stinkin' badges" and "You had me at hello," can now be added "Men cannot liff vizout vimmin," uttered dreamily by renowned philosopher Zsa Zsa Gabor in this no-budget sci-fi "epic". Everybody involved seems to be having a good time, with the exception of lead Eric Fleming, who goes through the movie with a "when this is done I'm gonna strangle my agent" look on his face, but it's a fun movie to watch. Director Ed Bernds made his name at the helm of some of the better Three Stooges shorts--including "Micro Phonies", considered by many Stoogephiles to be the team's best--so you know he couldn't have been taking this thing seriously while he was making it. (I've always wondered, however, how a writer with the stature of Ben Hecht--credited with the story--got involved in a project like this. Then a few years ago I read an article that said Hecht got loaded at a party one night and started spinning a yarn about a spaceship that crash-lands on a planet of beautiful, horny women. Somebody who heard that story passed it on to someone else, and eventually it became "Queen of Outer Space." Hecht sued the producers when he heard it was being made into a film, and as part of the settlement he got a story credit.)

It's still a fun movie, although by no standards could it be considered a good one. Just appreciate it for what it is--a chance for '50s teenage boys to see lots of tall, beautiful, leggy women running around in skimpy outfits and short skirts, for one thing--sit down with a six-pack and a pizza and have a good time.

"Vimmen cannot be happy vizout man!"

Thus spake Zsa Zsa Gabor, the most unlikely sci-fi heroine of the fifties. And I guess she'd know. Swanning around the Venutian landscape trailing yards of tulle - she has apparently learned nothing from Isadora Duncan's grisly demise - its up to Zsa Zsa to save the earth from obliteration from what appears to be a ready-to-assemble treehouse.

If logic were the order of the day here it would be patently obvious from this that we're all a-goner. Happily, logic has nothing to do with it; the Venus La Gabor inhabits bears no resemblance to anything in our solar system.

Not for the first time in movie history - I'm thinking "Fire Maidens from Outer Space" here - Venus turns out to be the province of buxom, slightly past their prime showgirls, and there's nary a man in sight. Why? Well, once upon a time the men folk started a nuclear war which caused many of the women, including the planet's ruler, to suffer hideous facial scars. Suitably stung, the men were banished to a nearby satellite; meanwhile the queen wears a stupid mask and the women evidently pass their time doing their hair. In each coif there's never a strand out of place, and somewhere on Venus somebody's doing a roaring trade on fire-engine red lipstick.

Things get sticky when a whole lot of Earth astronauts land on Venus, bringing with them the sets and props for "Forbidden Planet". (Even Anne Francis' gowns get a second outing from the #2 Venus babe. No hand me downs for Zsa Zsa though!) The women are at first hostile, but the natural order is restored when Zsa Zsa takes the helm, and long before the fadeout all is goo eyes and closed mouth kissing. The men are asserting their superiority, the women are all "dames", no doubt scuttling back to the kitchen, and those who showed even the smallest trace of backbone - ie the baddies - are all safely dead.

Its hard to say whether Zsa Zsa thought this was her big break or whether she knew how hilarious the whole thing is. At any rate she dominates the proceedings, which is no mean feat seeing as she has some of the silliest sets, dialogue and special effects to compete with. People who claim that Marilyn Monroe was never given a chance to extend her dramatic range might consider taking up Zsa Zsa's cause as well. I can see her now in a 1956 remake of "Mildred Pierce" in bright, bright Technicolor.

For the time being, enjoy what's on offer. "I hate zat qveen!" snaps our star.

Ah, but how the queens love you Zsa Zsa.

Steve Rhodes (newsgroup review) sums it up best when he says, "'Queen of Outer Space' is a parody of science fiction films. Whether it meant to be so at the time is another question." This is prime material for MST3K (very similar to "Fire Maidens from Outer Space"), but they might be avoiding "Queen" because it almost makes fun of itself. It reeks of cardboard sets, silly dialogue, and more phallic symbols, hot babes, and sexual innuendo than you can wave a stick (or laser gun) at. The astronauts ride in Lay-Z-Boy chairs and Zsa Zsa Gabor is a real treat. Never taking itself seriously, it's the "Austin Powers" of the sci-fi genre.

A spaceship with a four-man crew crash-lands on Venus. There they find the planet is inhabited solely by women, who take the men prisoner believing them to be the first wave in an invasion by Earth. The women are ruled by masked Queen Yilana, who hates men and blames them for the disfigurement of her face. Not all of the women on Venus are man-haters, though. A group of resistance fighters, led by Talleah (Zsa Zsa Gabor), plan to rescue the astronauts and overthrow Yilana.

I love this movie. It's so much fun. It has lots of cheesy appeal and comic value, both intentional and otherwise. It's so ridiculously sexist and outdated that you can't possibly take it seriously unless you have a stick up your rear the size of a redwood. Also, it's a '50s sci-fi movie so it has that charm about it. I love the colorful costumes, sets, and props. The cast is good. Zsa Zsa is memorably bad in the best way. Eric Fleming and Paul Birch play it straight, which helps make the whole thing that much funnier. Dave Willock is always a treat. But it's Patrick Waltz that gets the best (and most sexist) lines. A fun sci-fi movie that everyone should be able to enjoy on some level. Just take your serious hat off for awhile.

The infamous so-bad-it's-good space opera from director Edward Bernds, the man who gave us several of the `Three Stooges' movies. Zsa Zsa Gabor (a former `Miss Hungary') plays one of the Venusian women who defies the evil Queen of Venus (Lauren Mitchell) and falls in love with one of the four Earth men who lands on their planet. The queen hates all males because her face (which she hides behind a mask) was scarred in a war the women once fought against the now-extinct Venusian men (an idea perhaps borrowed from `Abbott and Costello Go to Mars').

The captive Earth astronauts go nuts over the sexy dames, all of whom look just fine in their futuristic miniskirts. The mission commander is Eric Fleming (`Rawhide' and `The Conquest of Space'), and one of the crewmen is Paul Birch (`Not of this Earth').

The best thing you can say about this movie is that it gives the audience a look at numerous props from more worthy 1950s science fiction movies: the astronauts' uniforms and the Venusian women's outfits are all borrowed from `Forbidden Planet' (along with a few blasters). The spaceship is from `Flight to Mars' (from a design originally submitted but rejected for the `Destination Moon' rocket). The sets and monster spider are from `World Without End' (the latter of which was also directed by Bernds, though it's a much better movie).

Amazingly enough, it was filmed in color and CinemaScope, one of the few 1950s sci-fi films that can claim this honor. In 1987 it was beautifully spoofed in `Amazon Women on the Moon', right down to the borrowed `Forbidden Planet' uniforms (recreated for that film).