- Lisa Douglas: When you married me you knew that I couldn't cook, I couldn't sew, and I couldn't keep house. All I could do was talk Hungarian and do imitations of Zsa Zsa Gabor.
- Oliver Douglas: Who?
- Oliver Wendell Douglass: [after watching a "conversation" between Lisa and an oinking Arnold] How can you carry on a conversation with him? I can't understand a thing he's saying!
- Lisa Douglas: That's because you don't LISTEN!
- Oliver Douglas: But he couldn't be dead.
- Fred Ziffel: Oh, yes he could, I personally attended his funeral.
- Oliver Douglas: Are you sure?
- Fred Ziffel: I don't know what you do in New York, but around here we don't give a man a funeral unless we're pretty sure he needs one.
- [the Douglases are looking for clothes to donate to a rummage sale]
- Oliver Douglas: Why don't we give away this one?
- Lisa Douglas: No that's the dress I graduated from high school in.
- Oliver Douglas: How about this one?
- Lisa Douglas: That's the dress I wore the first day of college.
- Oliver Douglas: [holding a black, low-cut dress] What about this one?
- Lisa Douglas: That's the one I got expelled in.
- Eustace Charleton Haney: [after learning Oliver and Lisa are going to be out of town for a few days] While yer away on yer trip, I thought you might like to avail yerself of Haney's Farm Mindin' Service.
- Oliver Wendell Douglass: HANEY'S FARM MINDING SERVICE?
- Eustace Charleton Haney: Yessir, at Haney's Farm Mindin' Service, for a nom-yew-nal fee we will move into yer house, eat yer food, drink yer likker, and turn away any unwanted relatives that might show up at yer door.
- TV Kiddie Show Host: Sure, I remember that kid, he had on the most realistic looking pig costume I've ever seen. He won first prize!
- Oliver Douglas: No, you don't understand, Arnold is a REAL PIG!
- TV Kiddie Show Host: I'll say he is! We had five gallons of ice cream for those kids, and he ate every bit of it himself!
- Lisa Douglas: Why do you want to irritate your corn?
- Oliver Douglas: Irrigate. It means put water on it.
- Lisa Douglas: Won't that irritate it?
- Lisa Douglas: Could you keep it a secret from my husband? You see, I want to surprise him.
- Ralph Monroe: My lips are sealed.
- Hank Kimball: Now if we could only keep them that way.
- Ralph Monroe: If you weren't so sexy, I'd beat your brains out!
- Hank Kimball: Hello, Mrs Douglas! How are you?
- Lisa Douglas: Hello, Mr. Kimball. I'm fine. Well, I'm not really fine. I have a little headache. Well, it isn't a little headache, it's a... it went away!
- Hank Kimball: I know somebody that talks just like that. Well, not just like that. What was his name? Oh yes, it was... no, it wasn't him...
- Eustace Charleton Haney: [trying to hawk some worthless ceramic figurines off and claiming they're valuable] These are gen-yew-wine Siamese Catfish.
- Oliver Wendell Douglass: SIAMESE CATFISH?
- Eustace Charleton Haney: Well, they're still in the pussy stage.
- Eustace Charleton Haney: [as he and Mr. Ziffel are going into Oliver's house] Make sure you wipe yer feet.
- Fred Ziffel: You don't ever wipe YOUR feet!
- Eustace Charleton Haney: That's 'cause I don't own a pig farm.
- Sam Drucker: How 'bout a dehydrated chicken?
- Oliver Douglas: A dehydrated chicken?
- Sam Drucker: Yeah. Just add water and bones, and let it sit for a couple hours, and you might have your own reconstituted chicken.
- Oliver Douglas: That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.