L'abbraccio del ragno

The HORRORS of being trapped with lovely women for days and days! One cannot imagine the terrible, horrible, mind-blowing pressure that must have been gnawing at Gary's very soul...oh, who am I kidding? Character depth is all three dimensional here, as in "I wish this movie had been filmed in 3D". Girls in ripped dresses, towels, bikinis, and floral panties, and is there a downside? Well, yes, there is the terror of bad dubbing, and the fear of back story being told in a painfully ungainly way. Thank God for MST, and it is a crime they are gone. I miss them.

Anyhoo, if ya get the chance, and can take the intense heat, check out this rockin' flick.

It doesn't take you long to suspect that this movie was made quickly and cheaply, and the opening scenes with the 'dance girl' auditions is definitely a large signpost which says "Bad Movie Buffs Only".

As you might expect from the title, there needs to be a way to quickly get our girls (and guy) to Spider Island, and the obligatory plane crash helps. It's the highlight of the film, as the stock footage suggests we are no longer watching a DC-3, but rather a Kamikaze plane in a ball of fire rapidly dropping from the sky into a raging sea. The fact that they all manage to survive almost confirms the amazing optimism expressed by the girls manager back on shore, where he tells a distressed relative on the phone "No need to fear the worse, all we know is the plane caught fire and we lost radio contact".

OK, I think its best come clean and reveal that the real horror of Spider Island is the appalling overdubbing of the voices. In fact, after a while, you start listening to the secondary sound effects, to see if they are as equally bad. I particularly like a scene where someone is showering in a waterfall, but the actual sound effect is that of someone gargling water. So, the film does manage in this way to keep your interest.

And, in a strange way, as the plot and women begin to be revealed, you begin to wonder what will happen next, only because you know it will not be logical, and probably will involve women fighting. And the women are great, a flash back to when buxom was in, women could really cat-fight, and they had no trouble in throwing themselves shamelessly at an ordinary man.

So overall, a few agreeable moments for the bad film buff. In particular, I suggest you watch out early on for the logical jump when they find an extended-handle hammer, and the guy concludes: "Ahh, an extended-handle hammer, they must be mining uranium". Now, as well known in bad film land, uranium is the universal cause of giant nasty animals, so you are ready for big spiders to start appearing. Yet, in this film, uranium also seems to be an aphrodisiac, making the extended-handle hammer metaphor even more poignant.

This movie was on the Treeline 50 sci-fi classics compilation – I suspect it is not readily available as a single release. The type of film you wouldn't seek to watch, but if you are stuck on the lounge after a heavy pizza and it came on, you probably would end up watching it.

Yes, it's a terrible movie. But it's quite fun watching a crashed plane full of models spend their time go-go dancing and skinny dipping on Spider Island instead of looking for food or rescue. A great one when you're in the mood for grade-Z movies, and a terrific MST3K episode.

Those that put too much thought into this movie are missing the point. It was made for a few reasons; one to make a buck, and two, to bring in guys to watch scantily clad, exotic European women try to act, and I guarantee they weren't there to watch them act. They were there to watch the actresses run around in their bikinis and garter belts. Think about it, the ultimate male fantasy. To be alone on an island with several beautiful (and presumably willing) ladies.

Is it cheap? Sure. Is it poorly done? Perhaps. But this movie is no different or worse than the other B-grade European sexploitation or even American films of the same genre.

It's good for a laugh and the women were certainly enticing then as they would be now.

Unless you're Leonard Maltin or Roger Ebert, I say watch it and enjoy. Don't try to figure it out.

Leering, lecherous manager Gary Webster (Alexander D'Arcy) and his troupe of brain-deprived, female dancers find themselves stranded on a seemingly uninhabited island, after their airplane crashes into the Pacific ocean. However, before reaching land, they must first moan like a sack full of cats, while floating on their life raft.

Once on land, their moaning turns into sighing, murmuring, and a mass case of the vapors. All except for Webster. Luckily, his manliness saves these sighing, moaning, vaporized dancers. Without him, they couldn't have found the waterfall that was ten feet away! Watch those high heels, now!

Happening upon a deserted domicile, Gary and the moaning murmurers enter. Love and partial disrobing commences.

Uh oh!

They're not alone after all. Something else is on the island. Something hideous! Something... spidery! Gary is affected negatively, and the burning question becomes: "Will he ever put his shirt back on?"

Meanwhile, among the dunderheaded dancing girls, moaning gives way to screeching. Jazz plays, as much sauntering occurs, and two strange men arrive on the island. Can more moaning be far off?

HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND (aka: BODY IN THE WEB) is an insanely inept, absolutely enjoyable hunk of gooey Limburger! A must for the ultra-schlock enthusiast!...