L'abbraccio del ragno

Oh God, was this painful, the most deepest of Deep Hurtings.

The plot seems to have been improvised. Actually, the plot was only partially concealed in those dancer's slit skirts, (some of which were more slit than skirt!) That is to say, scenes were mere contrivances to film the girls in various states of (un)dress as they lolled about this deserted cabin.

All female voices were obviously dubbed by one actress. She'd simply change her accent to differentiate. One line, she changed accents three times on the same actress! Just beautiful!

Many scenes were filmed murkily. The two fight scenes ivolving male cast members were laughably ridiculous. Watch as one guy, holdinga a chair over his head, WAITS for the other guy to get out of the way before he throws it!

Again, I digress. I realize this was just a thinly transparent effort for voyeurs. It's interesting to note what the concept of beauty was 40 years ago. It was different than today, because, like it or not, those grls had more meat to them than the anorexic models of today!

Oh yeah, I think there were spiders on the island, (plastic models, of course.)

Words can barely describe the genius of Horrors Of Spider Island. Fritz Boettger's crap classic embodies everything I love about Z-grade movies: ingenuity, innovation, ridiculous special effects and a complete disregard for anything as boring as logic or reason. Horrors Of Spider Island will resonate in your mind long after the final credits have rolled.

I think I'm going to start using IMDb's bottom 100 as my official viewing guide. There seems to be more quality product clogging up that list than the overwhelmingly insipid top 250. Horrors Of Spider Island basically owes its place in the bottom 100 to MST3K and their followers who automatically assume that a film is atrocious if MST3K have deigned to make a mockery of it. Forget about those failed comedians and out of work actors. If you want to fully enjoy the brilliance of this movie, watch it without MST3K's incredibly unamusing voice-over.

Horrors Of Spider Island begins like a raunchier version of "King Kong". Sleazy Gary is auditioning ladies to join his "dance" troupe, which is about to embark upon a tour of Singapore. The audition scene is a delight. These girls are a bunch of hardcore skanks. Linda doesn't even bother with the pretence of dancing; she simply walks into the audition and whips off her dress. Unfortunately for the men of Singapore, Linda and her colleagues never arrive. Instead, a plane crash leaves Gary and his ladies stranded on a remote Pacific island.

The film really comes into its own on the titular "Spider Island". We are treated to the hilarious arrival scene in which the women walk along the sand in high heels and then drench themselves under a pretty dubious looking waterfall. Our stranded friends soon find an abandoned house and do not appear to be overly concerned about finding a corpse hanging in a giant spider web. These women have more important things to worry about, like fighting over Gary and determining who looks the best in rags. Unfortunately, this idyll is ruined when Gary is attacked by a giant spider and transforms into a murderous spider hybrid.

The spider effects are adorable. I'm convinced that Gary is attacked by a fluffy toy and the mechanical giant spiders are a sight to behold. The inherent ridiculousness of these effects is kept under control but some wonderfully evocative black and white photography. Once Gary has transformed, the focus of the film returns to the lovely ladies. The scene where Babs, the buxom super-bitch, attacks Nelly with a belt surely belongs to the cinematic highlights of the 1960s. The film becomes increasingly lewd as help arrives in the form of two scientists. Before you can blink, these girls are falling over themselves to grab a man. Barbara Valentin deserved an Oscar for the scene where Babs tries to steal Gladys' lover.

Horrors Of Spider Island is a great 81 minutes of entertainment. The film has an inherent camp appeal but there is more to this film than its technical failings and ludicrous plot. Boettger's film is taunt, tight and terrific. The photography is great and the actors are charming. I can not recommend Horrors Of Spider Island highly enough. A fully restored, uncut version of the film is long overdue.

The HORRORS of being trapped with lovely women for days and days! One cannot imagine the terrible, horrible, mind-blowing pressure that must have been gnawing at Gary's very soul...oh, who am I kidding? Character depth is all three dimensional here, as in "I wish this movie had been filmed in 3D". Girls in ripped dresses, towels, bikinis, and floral panties, and is there a downside? Well, yes, there is the terror of bad dubbing, and the fear of back story being told in a painfully ungainly way. Thank God for MST, and it is a crime they are gone. I miss them.

Anyhoo, if ya get the chance, and can take the intense heat, check out this rockin' flick.

When I watched and later reviewed "The Sinister Urge", I made the comment that pornography, as was defined by Ed Wood, consisted of women in non-revealing bikinis. I must amend that statement. Pornography in the case of "Horrors of Spider Island" consists of women wearing furry bikinis, as well as prancing, preening, and stripping at the drop of ANY hat.

Our story concerns the "tragic" plane flight of a group of dancers and their manager on their trip to Singapore. I guess the nice people of Singapore needed evidence of a morally bankrupt society before they went with their fundamental Islamic state. Anyhow, the girls are more seriously threatened by one of the guys who comes to rescue them. There's a dead professor, some uranium, and this mutant spider that's about the size of the Taco Bell dog who tries to strangle people. The only problem is, there's more scenes of women wiggling than there is of the spider that's causing all the "horror".

It's obvious what the real purpose of the movie is when one of the dancers says, "Ohhh, it's SOOOOO hot!" and then begins to strip for the camera. Notice also that the dancers come in every flavor from tall to short, meek to wild, and from non-athletic to athletic; all the better that every man find at least one of the ladies he likes. Be sure to keep your eyes on the very athletic one; she's a cross between Steffi Graff and "Chyna" from the WWF.

This is a German movie -- the dialog is dubbed, and not well in some places. It is quite racy even for the early 1960s. It's obvious that this bomb never was shown in America.

Sterno says this movie is number one...I just can't show you the digit that says so.

Those that put too much thought into this movie are missing the point. It was made for a few reasons; one to make a buck, and two, to bring in guys to watch scantily clad, exotic European women try to act, and I guarantee they weren't there to watch them act. They were there to watch the actresses run around in their bikinis and garter belts. Think about it, the ultimate male fantasy. To be alone on an island with several beautiful (and presumably willing) ladies.

Is it cheap? Sure. Is it poorly done? Perhaps. But this movie is no different or worse than the other B-grade European sexploitation or even American films of the same genre.

It's good for a laugh and the women were certainly enticing then as they would be now.

Unless you're Leonard Maltin or Roger Ebert, I say watch it and enjoy. Don't try to figure it out.