Sex Kittens Go to College

There are no actual decapitations, cattle mutilation, desecration of houses of worship, or spurting arteries in Sex Kittens Go To College. Within those limits, this is ghastly beyond anything you can imagine.

Imagine Mamie van Doren as an ex-stripper with an IQ of 268 and twelve college degrees - no, thirteen, hired as a college professor. Imagine Jackie Coogan as a blustering oilman doing a 45-minute W.C. Fields impression. Imagine Martin Milner out-geeking Eddie Deezen, a twelve-foot robot named Thinko that handicaps horse races, a chimp in golf pants. Imagine the most credible and disciplined performance in the film being turned in by Louis Nye. Imagine Vampira so hagged out you'd flee to the arms of Nancy Kulp...Brigitte Bardot's little sister as an exchange student...Conway Twitty...fire engine...funny gangsters... Are your sides aching with laughter yet?

Terrifyingly awful. The only saving grace is that neither Woody Woodbury nor Paul Anka makes a guest appearance.

A couple of things. Mamie Van Doren and Tuesday Weld. They are the minimum interest in this completely unfunny, shallow, dim, laugh-less, and absolutely atrocious attempt at broad humor and low-brow shenanigans.

Its only train-wreck appeal is the aforementioned beauties. Everything else misses the mark and cannot be redeemed even by those who love to tout its outdated tendencies and point to all the "talent" on the screen.

Mamie, as always, does her best and wears a trademark shiny, skin-tight dress in one segment that is the standout in this hard to get through parade of "didn't anyone notice that this wasn't the least bit funny" one-liners, slapstick, and cheapness. Watch it if you must to laugh at it and not with it, but the bottom line is that this is just sad.

The remarkable thing is its ability to take so many easily recognizable Characters Actors that apart from this, have done reasonably good work and manage, after all, to put on the Screen a Monkey that outshines everyone.

In the opening credits, somebody sings "Sexpot Goes To College," which is an alternate title for this flick. I can think of a few more titles, but I don't want to get banned. This is one of the greatest wastes of non-talent ever conceived. Granted, you don't expect much from a Mamie Van Doren flick, but this thing is truly abysmal.

A robot/computer named THINKO selects the newest faculty member for Collins College. That would be Mamie, who has 13 degrees, can speak 18 languages, and has a sign over her bed reading "Over One Million Served." The reaction of the welcoming committee consists of astonishment (Louis Nye), disapproval (Pamela Mason), and lust (Martin Milner). Mamie tries to impress them with her knowledge of theoretical mechanics: "When I blast off, I've got an escape velocity which gets me to my aphelion point practically instantaneously." Actually, I understood that. Mamie is introduced to the science class, and gives a psychology demonstration by firing two pistols. Next, she sets her sights on helping the star football player overcome his shyness. The football player is played by Woo Woo Grabowski, whose character's name happens to be Woo Woo Grabowski. Woo Woo is being wooed by Tuesday Weld, who looks cute but does not give her performance the old college try. Elsewhere, we have Minjanou Bardot (Brigitte's sister) as a student who apparently is writing a book about sex, two moronic gangsters (Mickey Shaughnessy and Alan Drake playing characters named "Boomie" and "Legs" who think THINKO is a bookie), John Carradine as a lecherous biology professor, Jackie Coogan as Admiral Wildcat MacPherson, and Jose Gonzales-Gonzales as a Mexican.

The thin plot involves the discovery that Mamie used to be a dancer named "Tassels Monclair." So I'm not sure how she found the time to get so highly educated. Mamie does get to dance in a tight silver dress, and sings "Baby," accompanied by Conway Twitty's band. This is definitely the highlight of the film, but it quickly deteriorates as Coogan, Carradine, Nye, and some other guy prance around with her, and do a weak impersonation of a chorus line. Then everybody scatters when a monkey shoots off a machine gun. Apparently, even Cheetah can pass a background check.

There are a few subplots, but they are hardly worth mentioning. In fact, I can't even describe them. The dialogue is witless, as witnessed by this exchange between Bardot and Drake:

Bardot: "Parlez-vous francais?" Drake: "Not if I can help it baby, it gives me gas."

ROFLMGasO

This makes at least three films I've seen with the musclebound and mentally challenged Woo Woo Grabowski - "College Confidential," "The Beat Generation," and now this. I have no idea what he is doing in any of these films, and apparently neither does he. Coogan is obviously doing a W. C. Fields impersonation, and falls flat. Shaughnessy seems to be channeling Lou Costello; please, switch channels. Horny Carradine gets to do the Charleston and the tango with Mamie. Nye spends the entire film looking like he is suffering from hemorrhoids. Vampira has a bit part as Nye's assistant; I didn't even notice it was her until one of the final scenes. Bardot needs to have her libido excised. Pamela Mason is out of her league. It's no wonder a few years later she cleaned out hubby James in the divorce; she couldn't have made any money from this dreck. Milner overacts, does doubletakes, and mugs wildly for the camera. In the finale, he commandeers a fire truck (from Charlie Chaplin, Jr.), and, with Nye hanging on the ladder, sets off after Mamie to propose. The truck is pulled over by Officer Kent McCord, thus starting a long and beautiful friendship with Milner.

It'll be easier to enjoy "Sex Kittens Go to College" if you simply accept it as a silly movie. The purpose is to show off Mamie Van Doren, and boy does it succeed! There's one scene in particular that probably helped a lot of boys become men. I guess that since we were just coming out of the sexually repressed '50s, they felt inclined to throw overtly sexual material in the audience's faces. Ridiculous though the content is, it's one enjoyable movie. Every scene showing Mamie Van Doren is a treat; that woman really knew how to move! "Sex Kittens Go to College" won't be for everyone. I should remind you that a lot of the content is dated. Nonetheless, the gags that Van Doren, as well as Tuesday Weld and Mijanou Bardot (Brigitte's sister) pull is some cool stuff. Mamie Van Doren was known as a poor man's Marilyn Monroe, but judging by what she does here, there was nothing poor about her style.

Good times.

A college computer nicknamed "Thinko" picks a woman with 13 university degrees to head up the campus science department. Expecting an academic-looking spinster, public relations man Martin "Marty" Milner is surprised to greet Mamie Van Doren at the train station, a stripper nicknamed "Tassels" who has a high IQ and measurements to match (she also speaks 18 languages: "What's the 18th?" .. "English."). Milner (also an associate producer) and Van Doren are an enervated pair; better are Norman "Woo Woo" Grabowski as the captain of the football team who is afraid of girls and Tuesday Weld as a co-ed desperate to get pinned. Brigitte Bardot's sister Mijanou makes her one and only screen appearance as a Frenchie doing her thesis on the human male, Jackie Coogan apes W.C. Fields, John Carradine is hypnotized into joining Tassels on the dance floor, and Conway Twitty wrote the songs. Cult film has all the ingredients for a great B-movie...everything, alas, but a funny script. * from ****