- Julian Northrup (Gramps): I can't stand these holier-than-thou folks. If a man's a good Republican, or a mason or an elk, that's good enough for me. Live and let live, that's my motto.
- Mr. Brink: Yes. You can hardly expect me to second that.
- Sheriff Burlingame: [tears up court order] I'm resigning my office tomorrow. The Democrats can have it for all of me!
- Julian Northrup (Gramps): Say, who the devil are you?
- Mr. Brink: You may call me Mr. Brink.
- Julian Northrup (Gramps): Well now, look here Mr. Brink, I don't like you and I wouldn't go with you to a rat fight!
- Pud: Aunt Demetria is a pismire! Aunt Demetria is a pismire! Aunt Demetria is a...
- Nellie (Granny): Julian!
- Julian Northrup (Gramps): I never taught him that.
- Nellie (Granny): You're a liar.
- Julian Northrup (Gramps): Maybe I am.
- Julian Northrup (Gramps): [takes a drink out of a bottle] Don't never touch this stuff, son.
- Pud: Give me some?
- Julian Northrup (Gramps): No. No. Come on, let's get goin'.
- Nellie (Granny): [calling from the kitchen] Junior!
- Pud: Just a little taste.
- Julian Northrup (Gramps): No you wouldn't like it.
- Pud: What do you drink it for Gramp?
- Nellie (Granny): That boy's beginning to be the limit. First thing you know, you'll be teaching him how to smoke, I suppose, and then drink and goodness knows what all.
- Julian Northrup (Gramps): Well, there'll be plenty of time for the what all.
- [first lines]
- Man in Convertible: May I give you a lift, sir?
- Mr. Brink: Thank you, no. I have an appointment - a lady and gentleman.
- Man in Convertible: Oh, I'm sorry.
- Man in Convertible: [coughing] I thought you signaled me.
- Mr. Brink: No. Not yet.
- Reverend Murdock: Wouldn't you like your Grandpa to bring you along some Sunday?
- Pud: Sure. I want to hear you talk.
- Reverend Murdock: Oh, you do?
- Pud: Gramps says you talk like an old woman.
- Julian Northrup (Gramps): Now, by Jupiter, that does it! Get out of here. Get out of this house! And if I ever find you here again, you squid-faced old bird-stuffer, I'll wring your blasted neck and dance on it.
- Demetria Riffle: I didn't make no concession at Bull Run when I was too young and I didn't make none at San Juan Hill - they said that I was too old then. So, I'll be hanged if I'm going to make any now to any frost-bitten, back-stabbin'...
- Pud: Pismare.
- Demetria Riffle: Pismare, like Demetria Riffle. Thank you, boy. I ain't through fightin' yet.
- Julian Northrup (Gramps): She's a narrow-minded, trouble-making, blue-nosed, old pismire. And you know it.
- Nellie (Granny): She's a decent, self-respecting woman.
- Nellie (Granny): Oh, I've got that gas again. Every time I get excited - it starts.
- Julian Northrup (Gramps): Well then, don't get excited, then.
- Julian Northrup (Gramps): Still mad at me, Nellie? Well, I like to see you best that way. Eyes all shinin'. That's when your prettiest.
- Nellie (Granny): Oh, fiddlesticks. Julian Northrup, don't you try to soft soap me. I was down right ashamed of you this morning - you and that boy. I don't know which is the dirtiest.
- Julian Northrup (Gramps): Ah, now old lady, don't you go worryin' about Pud. I keep on teachin' him to cuss and you keep on teachin' him not to cuss. And you'll see. He'll turn out to be pretty good.
- Demetria Riffle: Has my little boy brought a great big kiss for his Aunt Demi, today?
- Pud: No.
- Nellie (Granny): Now, Pud, you give Aunt Demi a nice kiss.
- Pud: She kisses awful wet.
- Demetria Riffle: If they carry on like that in public, what must they do when they're alone?
- Nellie (Granny): Why, Demi, maybe they just - kiss.
- Nellie (Granny): Julian don't mean all the things he says. He's just a rough-spoken man is all. Good lookin' man too, in his day. I remember him at a party when the old century went out, handsome as anything. Everybody was after him.
- Julian Northrup (Gramps): If you listen to one word more this viper has to say, you're just a plain fool!
- Julian Northrup (Gramps): How was you aimin' to teach him not to trespass?
- Demetria Riffle: I'd give him a good, sound whipping. That's what I'd do.
- Julian Northrup (Gramps): Oh, you would, huh? Well, thanks for tellin' me. And seein' as how there's *two* trespassers here, I'll start on the one handy.
- [pulls out his cane]
- Demetria Riffle: Don't be silly, Julian!
- Pud: Hit her Gramps! Hit her a whooper!
- Demetria Riffle: You little brat!
- Julian Northrup (Gramps): Brat, huh? Get off of this property!
- Nellie (Granny): See here, what call of you to come buttin' into a lady's bedroom?
- Mr. Brink: I usually come to bedrooms. It's so much more comfortable.
- Marcia Giles: Shall I turn off the radio, Mrs. Northrup?
- Nellie (Granny): No, dear. They're playing Stephen Foster's tunes. I'm hoping they'll play "Beautiful Dreamer." That's my favorite.
- Julian Northrup (Gramps): Hey Marcia, slip into the bathroom for a piece of sticking plaster, like a good girl, will you?
- Julian Northrup (Gramps): Hey, Marcia, what in blazes do you mean by kissin' men in the park?
- Marcia Giles: What?
- Julian Northrup (Gramps): Don't you know its a sin to kiss men in the park? Next time, bring him up here and kiss him.
- Julian Northrup (Gramps): It's time this house had some kissin' in it. How the heck's young Pud here gonna learn anything about kissin' if he don't ever see none of it?
- Julian Northrup (Gramps): Let's see, what the dickens is the matter with me, anyway? Am I goin' nuts?
- Pud: Grandfather, are you gonna die?
- Julian Northrup (Gramps): Not yet awhile, son.
- Pud: Are you sure?
- Julian Northrup (Gramps): Don't you fret, Pud. I'll be with you quite awhile yet. I feel spry as a cricket.