- Herman Wood: Was tha - was that the clock?
- Homer Erskine: Ye - yes, I - I - I guess so. I - I - I think so. It must have been. But it's a union clock.
- Herman Wood: What do you mean?
- Homer Erskine: Well, it strikes any old time.
- [When Wood starts cough while smoking a cigar, Erskine slaps him repeatedly on his back]
- Herman Wood: What's the idea?
- Homer Erskine: Why you're choking terribly.
- Herman Wood: Well, can you do any better?
- [Wood is startled by a woman's loud and sustained shriek]
- Herman Wood: Erskine, did you hear that scream?
- Homer Erskine: Yes. It sounded like a grand opera star with acute indigestion.
- Herman Wood: Worse than that! It sounded inhuman.
- Homer Erskine: Oh, pure imagination. If I allowed a noise like that to scare me, your voice would have killed me long ago.
- Head Guard: Hello, Professor.
- Head Guard: Why, Mr. McLeevey. What are you doing here? Can't you see I'm busy?
- Guard: Sure, but you've got to come home with us. It's important.
- Professor Twiddily: Oh? Is there anything wrong?
- Head Guard: Don't you remember? You operated on your old friend Julius Caesar a couple of days ago.
- Professor Twiddily: Did I now? Funny I forgot. How'd it turn out?
- Head Guard: Not so good. That's why we have to hurry back. You see, he got tired of his Roman nose, so you grafted on a new one. But you put it on upside down and on rainy nights like this, the poor fellow can't go out for fear of drowning.
- Professor Twiddily: My, my. We'll return at once. Poor Caesar must be miserable.
- [last lines]
- Herman Wood: Now, what's the matter with you?
- Homer Erskine: I was just thinking how terrible it would have been had the professor really operated on us and changed us all. You would have gotten my adenoids and I'd have gotten your false teeth.
- Herman Wood: Erskine, turn your face to the setting sun.
- [Erskine turns and Wood kicks him in the butt]
- Homer Erskine: Hey! What's the idea?
- Herman Wood: Don't forget - you're fired.
- Homer Erskine: Oh, Mr. Wood...
- Herman Wood: Come!
- [first lines]
- [Wood and Erskine are driving along a country road on a dark and stormy night]
- Herman Wood: Erskine, you're fired!
- Homer Erskine: Why, Mr. Wood, what is wrong?
- Herman Wood: You! It was your idea we should come up to this forsaken hole for the weekend. If I die of pneumonia, it will be your debt to society.
- Homer Erskine: Mr. Wood, I try to be a competent secretary, but I have absolutely no control over the elements. How did I know it was going to rain? See? The paper says fair and warmer!
- Herman Wood: That's last week's paper. You're still fired.
- [the crazed plastic surgeon shows drawings of various facial features to his bound and gagged captives]
- Professor Twiddily: I ask your indulgence in looking at this chart. You will notice the various noses, eyes and chins. You all have an ideal, a face you envy. You can have your choice of alterations. You understand my operations run in series. You may look as you do now, but I will slowly change you to fit my model.
- Professor Twiddily: [to Gloria] Young lady, you will have the honor of being the first upon my table. I shall require very little from any of you - just enough to begin my work.
- Professor Twiddily: [points at Gloria, Terry and Herman in succession] A feature from you, a bone from him, and a cartilage from that one.