- Missy: You're lucky I'm not the jealous type. In fact, if you want to fuckface me, I'm totally cool with it.
- Tim Morris: Fuckface you?
- Missy: Yeah, you know, if you want to imagine her face on my face when we fuck, I'm more than comfortable with that.
- Tim Morris: Well, I'm definitely not comfortable with any part of that.
- Tim Morris: How did you meet my grandmother again?
- Missy: Jiffy Lube. Yeah.
- Tim Morris: Oh.
- Missy: She's like, "My grandson would be so perfect for you." I'm like, "Sign me up!" So, yeah.
- Tim Morris: I have to visit her more often and possibly smother her.
- Tim Morris: [in the men's room] Could give me a couple minutes in here?
- Missy: Oh, you do have to go to the bathroom now? Yeah, I get it. When I'm droppin' a deuce, I don't want anyone talking to me. So, have a good shit, my man...
- Tim Morris: Thank you.
- Missy: Maybe I'll take a shit, too... Mmm, don't have to... . Eh, you never know. I'll push. See you in a bit...
- Tim Morris: You should go to a spa, and then maybe, you know, like canoe out to an island and just chill, like if there's one nearby, or far.
- Tim Morris: [Airplane flight, after recovering from horse tranquilizer] What are you doing?
- Missy: Did you not want an upsie-downsie, I'm using lotion?
- Missy: When you went to the bathroom, Aquaman started mouthing off again. So I sort of flashed him.
- Tim Morris: You flashed him your breasts?
- Missy: No, I didn't flash him my breasts. I showed him Sheila.
- Tim Morris: Like your Sheila?
- Missy: No. My friend, my protector, Sheila.
- Tim Morris: Gah! What are you, Crocodile Dundee?
- Missy: What? It's a blind date. What if you were some psycho? Then I could behead you.
- Tim Morris: [Wakes up from dreaming of having sex with one Melissa, to find out he's having sex with the other one] Missy? What are we doing?
- Missy: Um, having sex? You kept jamming your little morning wood into my back and saying, "Oh, I want you so bad."
- [laughs]
- Missy: Oh, you're fuckfacing me, aren't you? Cool!
- Tim Morris: No, no, I'm not! No.
- Missy: Yes, you are! Yeah, it's okay. I'm doing it to you, too, Simon Cowell. Now close your eyes and tell me I suck at singing!
- [screaming in pleasure]
- Tim Morris: You're going to Hollywood!
- Missy: You gotta meet our neighbor, Barbara. She and her husband heard us going at it last night.
- Tim Morris: [mumbles]
- Missy: They almost called security. They thought there was a little girl being tortured in here. You're the little girl.